I Want You All To Myself
by Yaymab
Summary: 'All I Wanted Was You' sequel. Josh Ramsay/Hayley Williams (Marianas Trench, Paramore) - Cover art by me
1. Chapter 1

1

Josh's POV

I felt like I had been hit by a car, and then forced to get up right away and run the marathon. All I actually had to do was walk through a long, winding and depressingly white hallway until I finally saw those three familiar faces, with their forced smiles and open arms. But my legs felt like two long pieces of paper.

I couldn't remember the last time I'd eaten anything, and the last time I'd gotten any sleep was during that hour when I'd passed out a few days back. Of course, nobody was supposed to know, but they all did. I could tell they liked it. Knowing that I was going through hell every day, that I barely even knew what a "day" was anymore since it was always the same for me, always a nightmare.

But that was the point, wasn't it? To teach me a lesson. You do something bad, this is what happens. Action-reaction. Pure fucking physics. Like I even knew what that was anymore.

School was the last thing on my mind right then—not that I still had much in there. All I could think about was the importance of making it through that long walk without fainting. The crows were eyeing me with their deceptive white uniforms and fake smiles. One misstep could bring me right back to that prison cell. Not one of them even considered helping me out. It was a test. If I passed, I could finally be filed as "clean." And then it would all be over.

But one question still spun around in my head. Was I REALLY clean? Was this story finally over? If I actually managed to get out and live again, would the craving come back? All I had been able to really focus on for the past couple of weeks—or whatever amount of time that had been—was getting out of here. Once and for all. Clean or not. I hadn't felt the craving, but that was only because I was too exhausted to feel anything else but a huge desire to die. But now that this was—hopefully—over…

One of the crows took my hand then, pulling me out of my thoughts. "This way," she said happily. She was a ghost, a white shadow. They all were. All identical, all fake, all acting like they wanted to help us when all they really wanted was to make us suffer as much as possible. I loathed them, but feared them at the same time because I knew they were in charge. They were dangerous.

She pulled me forward, forcing me to walk faster. I tripped several times but miraculously managed to keep going until she finally let go. And there they were. My sister, my father and my crying mother—she didn't seem to do anything else in my presence lately—waiting for me to appear at the gates of hell, freed.

Even though I had seen them almost every day—especially my mother, who used all her spare time to visit me, which in my opinion was just wasting it—I felt like I was seeing them for the first time in a long time. Like the people who had come to see me during my two months of hell weren't my real family, because they always left without me, abandoning me into the hands of the ghosts. But this time they would take me too.

I felt a twinge of joy at that thought. This was actually happening. I was truly free.

My mother wiped her eyes, only to sob harder as she pulled me into a bear hug, squeezing the last bits of air out of my lungs. "Oh, my baby…" she muttered, stroking my hair. I hugged her back weakly, but my arms were so heavy I could barely hold them up.

Once my mother finally let go of me, it was my sister's turn. Her hug was far less rib-crushing and much shorter, but I could tell she was holding back. Good, I couldn't wait for this to be over so I could finally walk out of here and run away from this fucking nightmare.

My father ruffled my hair before hugging me so fast that by the time I registered what was happening, it was over.

"Well, all the papers are signed," declared a horrible voice I never wanted to hear again. "Your son is clean, and free to go. Here are his things." She probably handed my parents the pathetic suitcase that had been my only companion for past months, but I didn't see anything. I was too lost in the contemplation of the sky through the window. Finally, I would be able to see it without knowing that it would be taken from me too soon. Finally, I could breathe in the fresh air for as long as I wanted without being shoved back into the suffocating little white room like a prisoner.

My dad laid a comforting hand on my shoulder and led me towards the door. Oh my god. This was it. My mom opened the door for us, and light flooded my vision and blinded me. I suddenly felt so dizzy I couldn't tell up from down. I felt my legs finally give in, but I didn't feel anything else. The last thing I heard was that screechy voice, warning my mother not to neglect any signs of relapse on my part and to alert the rehab center immediately if anything happened.

My mom heard it as one last insignificant little detail, but I heard it as what it was meant to be. One last menace.

* * *

Hayley's POV

It's quite incredible how quickly things change sometimes. One moment I was a normal teenage girl, too stupid for school, too unlucky when it came to love and stuck with the second choice… Now don't get me wrong, Jack was an incredibly sweet guy, the kind of guy most girls dream to have—funny, understanding, not a complete idiot… But I was greedy enough to want more. I wanted… If only I could have had…

But I couldn't, and this wasn't the point.

The point was that I had gone from the average teenage girl to rock star in a matter of months. And now I was part of one of the biggest events in the world of punk rock. Woo, somebody pinch me.

Let's back up a little bit.

It all started when Jack and I discovered our genuine love for music—right after our sort of genuine love for each other—which resulted in us jamming together every day of summer for endless periods of time, during which we also talked a lot and did some kissing—and other things people who are in love usually do. Jack was a guitar genius, just like… HE had been, and the first few times I sang along to his melodies I had not been able to stop myself from thinking about HIM, and that Pearl Jam song…

But sooner or later, I got over it, and I was able to sing with Jack—and do other things with Jack—without always thinking about HIM. Eventually, Jack started plugging his electric guitar into an amp and his friend Jeremy joined us, his bass making us sound almost like a full band.

And then one day, my mother popped into my room to announce how she had talked to my dad and some of his "friends"—my dad was a manager with a fair amount of influence and a fair amount of acquaintances—and they had managed to find me a label who was ready to "take a chance with you, Hayley." My first reaction was a mix of surprise and pure joy, until I caught on. With YOU, HAYLEY? But what about Jack and his friend? And then my mother explained that I was actually supposed to pursue a solo career as a pop singer—a fricking POP singer—and I refused as violently as possible. Of course, my mom got angry and we had a big fight, but at least I won. As much as I loved my mom, I was not doing ANYTHING alone. And I definitely wasn't becoming a pop singer.

When I told Jack and Jeremy about that, they both jumped up from their seats, urging me to make my parents find us a label as a band. There was only one problem though. We WEREN'T a band. And besides, it would take a lot to convince my parents. My buds didn't give up though. On the contrary, they searched and searched my old school—the one I wasn't going to anymore ever since I was being homeschooled—for lone musicians who could fill the missing spots and in the end found exactly what we needed. The Farro brothers. A drummer and a guitar player, who filled the empty spots like the last pieces of an arduous puzzle.

Everything worked like a charm. The guys played together so easily you'd think they'd had for a lifetime. The Farros managed to get over the whole "female thing"—because apparently they thought it was awkward to be in a band with a girl. Whatever.

Jack helped me write my first song. The main theme was my parents' attempt to turn me into something I wasn't behind my back. Hence the title "Conspiracy."

And bam. We had our first song. We were a true band. And I wasn't even seventeen yet. Everything escalated quickly from there. My dad, finally convinced that I would not back down, almost signed us to one of the biggest labels out there, but in the end they passed us on to the brand new Fueled By Ramen. A young label for a young band.

And before we knew it, we had half-a-dozen songs and counting, all hot out of the oven and ready to record, and we were invited to that event I was talking about earlier. Vans Warped Tour. Yep. I still couldn't believe it.

The guys had taken a break from school to do this, all except Jack, who had decided this was going too far for his taste. The thing is, he was in another band at the moment, one that didn't seem to have as much success as ours, but seemed more important to him and he wouldn't let it go. I hated that, since I was now stuck on a tour bus—might as well have been the moon—with three guys I barely knew, and no one I could truly trust. My boyfriend had abandoned me.

Oh well. That didn't change the fact that I was so excited I could barely breathe. This was it.

This was Paramore


	2. Chapter 2

2

Josh's POV

When I woke up, the first thing I noticed was the softness of the bed under me. This was NOT normal. The bed they forced me to sleep on was hard and cold, not like this one. What the hell. I opened my eyes slowly and carefully. What I saw almost make me choke on my own spit.

My room.

"Shit!" How had I gotten there? Why wasn't I in empty old room 117 with my black bag and my tiny window and the scratches on my walls…?

Oh, wait a minute. I remembered. I was free now, I wasn't stuck in there anymore. My rehab days were over.

…

So then why did I feel so empty? Strangely enough, I almost missed that crappy little room, that huge scary cafeteria, all those friendly junkies with their half made-up stories, even the white shadows floating around us, telling us what to do, treating us like zoo animals…

Huh. No. I was happy it was over. Very happy.

But I still felt lost. What the hell was I going to do now? I couldn't go back to school since I'd been expelled. I couldn't do anything else since I hadn't finished high school. Except maybe work at McDonald's. Wow. Dream job.

Something caught my eye then. There she was, lying gravely on her stand in the corner of the room. God, I missed the feel of the strings under my fingers, the sweet sound echoing to my ears… I felt a smile creep to my lips. This was the answer to my question. Music. It was the only thing I still had.

I got up as slowly and steadily as I could, trying to keep my head from spinning. The room was flooded with light, so it must've been midday. I had no idea what day it was. As for the month, I was fifty-six percent sure it was July. I also was three percent sure it was December.

I ignored the pull of the guitar and headed for the door. Music could wait for now. My mother couldn't.

I headed up the stairs hastily and almost ran into my sister who was rushing in the other direction.

"Josh! You're awake!" She smiled and hugged me.

I tried to smile back. "Yep, I am… Uh, where's mom?" Better get this done with.

"In the kitchen. Oh, and there's someone else waiting for you there," she added with a mischievous smile. Huh? Who could possibly be waiting for me? I wasn't in the mood for guessing. I hurried to the kitchen to find out, and once I did I realised how obvious it was.

"Josh!" Matt yelled, smiling widely. He was sitting at the kitchen island watching my mom cook something that smelled terribly good. I hadn't seen him in a while, since his mom didn't want him to visit the rehab center too often and spend too much time around "those people"—as if his best friend wasn't one of them—and the amount of joy that flooded me at the sight of him actually took me by surprise. In other words, I was REALLY fucking happy to see my buddy again.

"Hey, Matt." I returned his smile and sat next to him while my mother watched me from the corner of her eye—it was overly obvious—and tried to keep from crying again—also overly obvious.

"Did you sleep well, Josh?" she asked lightly. She opened the oven and started removing the trays busily in order to avoid looking at me. My stomach growled loudly when I saw what was in them. An industrial amount of perfectly beige, perfectly round and perfectly delicious-looking chocolate chip cookies. I felt like I could gulp them all down in one shot. I was starving. "Josh? Hellooo…"

"Huh, what?" I tried remembering what her question had been. Oh yeah, if I'd slept well. "Yeah, yeah. It was fine," I said dully. I couldn't really remember much of it, but considering I'd probably slept more than in the past few weeks combined, it must've been nice.

My mom nodded still without looking at me. An awkward silence crept in as I stared blankly in front of me. Well now what?

"So… Josh," Matt started. "I got you something." He smiled feebly and reached into his back pocket.

"Aw, how sweet of you!" I said in a mockingly small voice. "Is it an engagement ring?"

He chuckled and handed me one of the two pieces of paper that had been in his pocket. "Marry me, Josh?"

I grinned as I looked down at what seemed to be a ticket of some sort. And then my eyes widened. "Warped!?" I glanced at Matt and back at the ticket, bewildered.

"Are you happy, Mrs. Webb?" he asked cheerfully.

Was he kidding? "I'm… I mean… Of course!" I stuttered. "Wait, did you say 'Mrs. Webb'? Why am I the woman?"

He laughed. "Well, it's obvious that if one of us was a woman, it would be you…"

I put on a glum face and glared at him. "If you hadn't just given me this ticket, I would probably have hit you."

"Josh!" my mother squealed.

Matt and I burst out laughing. "I was just kidding!" I said quickly.

Matt stuck his tongue out at me. My mom shook her head disapprovingly but a smile was lighting up her face. Then, she laid a plate of cookies in front of us and said, "Dig in, boys."

Yes ma'am.

* * *

Hayley's POV

I was freaking out. I'd never played a show before. I'd never sung in front of so many people before. I'd never travelled so far from home, so far from my parents. It was the scariest thing I'd even done in my whole life.

We only had to fill up twenty-five minutes. We had five songs. The rest of the time was left to me. I had to talk, entertain. But what did I say?

"Paramore, you're on in fifteen."

My heart skipped a beat. The guys were frantically rehearsing on their unplugged guitars, and Zac—our drummer—was tapping beats on the front of his chair with his fingers. I just hummed quietly, trying to stay calm.

What if I messed up? What if the crowd didn't like me? What if I fainted? I wanted to express my fears, but these guys… They didn't need that. They were already stressed out enough. I needed someone who could listen to me, someone who could help me.

I pulled out my cellphone. Zac's brother Jo…—whom I couldn't pronounce the name of since, ironically enough, it was the same as HIS—glared at me. "Who are you calling? Isn't it a bit late for that?"

"Oh, give her a break," Jeremy snapped.

Zac's brother shrugged. "Sorry, I was just saying."

"It's ok," I said quickly. The last thing we needed was a fight. "I'm just calling Jack."

Jeremy snickered. "He'll just make things worse, trust me."

I shrugged and dialed Jack's number. He answered on the first ring, like he'd been expecting a call. "Hello?"

"Hey, it's Hayley."

I heard him huff loudly. Sighing in relief? So he HAD been expecting my call. "Are you alright? How'd the show go?"

"Uh… We haven't done it yet. It's in like, ten minutes."

It took him a second to answer. "Oh? Well then… good luck! Cause you're gonna need it, haha…"

I frowned. "Why do you say that?"

"Oh, I didn't mean it like that, I just…" He hesitated. "I mean, it IS a show in front of thousands of people so a bit of luck can't hurt, you know?"

Wow. I felt so much better. "You're not helping, Jack."

"Told you so," Jeremy mouthed. I rolled my eyes.

Jack sighed. "I'm sorry. I suck at this. Listen, you're gonna be great, ok? You're talented and funny and beautiful… They'll love you." I could almost see his warm smile like he was right there in front of me. "I love you," he added.

I smiled. "Thanks. I love you too."

"Five minutes!" someone yelled again.

"Oops, I gotta go. Bye, Jack!"

"Bye." And he hung up. As soon as he was gone, my hands started shaking again. I focused on his words—the comforting ones—and shut my eyes tightly.


	3. Chapter 3

3

Hayley's POV

I felt like I was on top of the world. All these people who didn't know me cheered for me like I was the queen. They followed my every more, listened to every word coming out of my mouth. And strangely enough, I didn't feel so stressed out anymore. I actually felt… good. It was all so unreal that I started thinking it was only a dream, and I didn't care about messing up anymore.

"We are Paramore!" I yelled. Everyone yelled back incomprehensible words of encouragement. Wow, was this real?

The next song we were playing was Conspiracy. Ah, that old thing… As the drums and guitar kicked in for the intro, I threw my head backwards and stared at the sky. Wow, this was one beautiful intro. I felt really proud of myself all of a sudden.

I looked back at the crowd and brought the microphone to my mouth. "Please speak softly for they will hear us… and they'll find out why we don't trust them…" My voice echoed through the sky, returning to my ears with a foreign undertone. I barely even recognized it, but I was slowly getting used to that. It was becoming so easy, almost natural. "Speak up dear, for I cannot hear you… I need to know why we don't trust them…"

The speakers exploded then, flooding the crowd with our melodious noise. The response was almost immediate. Soon, everyone was yelling their throats out. "Explain to me this conspiracy against me!" I had done this a hundred times, but the feeling still surprised me. When I sung, I felt like I was in a different dimension. Nothing else mattered. It was just me, my voice and the music spinning around me. The crowd vanished, their yells molding into the music and eventually disappearing as well. For a second I was flying.

And then, I opened my eyes again and a new energy filled me. I didn't care about the heat, the sweat covering every part of me, the sharp pain at the bottom of my throat. I couldn't stop moving. I danced and jumped and spun around to release the energy, but I felt like the more I tried to get rid of it, the more there was. It was truly incredible.

We finished the song without any trouble. I didn't even understand why I'd been so stressed out before. This was so easy. "You guys having a good time?" I asked happily. I took their screams as a "yes."

"Alright!" I yelled back. "Give it up for Jeremy, Zac and…" Come on, just say it. "Josh!" My moment of hesitation had been so short I didn't think anyone had noticed. The crowd yelled even louder—wow, how was that even possible?—and we started our fifth and last long. "I'm Hayley, by the way," I said quickly and everyone laughed. Phew, wasn't I funny! "This song rhymes with the last one!" I said then. My own statement honestly surprised me. I hadn't even realised that until I'd said it. My brain sure worked in strange ways onstage. "It's called Emergency!" I added, thinking it would probably be a good idea to mention that.

And we were off again. The magic was back and I welcomed it happily. This would never get old. This was the best day of my life.

And I couldn't help but look forward to the next ones.

* * *

Josh's POV

The more time passed, the less I noticed it. My life had broken down to a pointless boredom. I couldn't even call it "life" anymore. Just like I'd expected it, the craving had come back. But it was easy to ignore now. It couldn't help me anymore. I didn't want its help.

"Fuck heroin," I muttered to myself as I stared at the ceiling, slumped on my bed like an old rag. That's pretty much all I did anymore. I lay in bed thinking about how much I hated heroin—and pretty much anything else—and not doing anything about it. My mom urged me to get up and do SOMETHING, but gave up after a few tries. Maybe she just thought this was the post-rehab effect. Maybe it was.

Fortunately, my life DID have a better side to it. It stretched from five thirty to nine on week days and filled up the whole weekend. That part was called Matt. Matt had somehow miraculously convinced his parents that I wasn't a terrible influence and that I wouldn't turn him into a reckless, Satan-worshipping junkie, and was now allowed to see me every day, whether it was at my house or his. For now it was only after school, but summer was coming quickly and pretty soon we'd be practically living together.

All we ever talked about was music, mostly because everything else was too painful to talk about. Oh, and he sometimes rambled on about sports, but I usually blocked him out when that happened, nodding once in a while to keep him thinking that I was listening. Either way, it felt good to have someone to talk to, even if our conversations were pretty pointless.

The only other thing we did, apart from talking about music, was making music. We relearned some of the old songs we used to play together—ah, good times—and made up some new ones, since we were too lazy to learn a song that had already been written. The subjects varied from our love for junk food to Dora the Explorer, and the songs were usually shorter than twenty seconds. But it was hilarious. We could practically make up a song about anything. And I mean ANYTHING. A song about brushing your teeth in the morning, a song about the weatherman's red polka dot tie, a song about Matt's funny bed head—ok, that was my idea entirely. I could have done that forever.

Unfortunately, Matt had something else in mind. "We need a real song, man," he said to me one day as we were peacefully sitting on my bed after a long day of school-slash-lying in bed hating stuff.

I looked up at him in confusion. "What's wrong with our fake songs?"

He shrugged. "I dunno. They're not… real?" Wow. Now that was a mind-blowing discovery.

"So?"

He threw his arms into the air desperately. "SO, I wanna write some real songs! And we could start a band or something. Wouldn't that be awesome?" He looked at me expectantly.

"Uhhh…" Well, it wouldn't be a bad idea. But it wouldn't work. It would definitely fail. Everything I had ever done had failed. "Maybe," I said finally.

Matt beamed. "Really? Awesome! So…" His voice faded out as he gazed into nothing thoughtfully. His plan pretty much ended there.

That's when I remembered something. Something I would rather not have remembered. I reached for the untouched suitcase that had accompanied me through rehab without a word. I unzipped it slowly and dug through the old dirty clothes until I found what I was looking for. It was a crumpled piece of paper with an unbelievable amount of almost incomprehensible words scribbled on it.

"What's that?" Matt asked.

"It's your song," I said simply, staring at the paper like it represented my whole life. I couldn't believe I had actually recalled its existence. I wished I hadn't. It was too fucking painful. I sighed heavily and decided to tell Matt about it. It would be nice to finally talk about this for once, take it off my chest a bit. But it was harder than I thought. "One night I… I couldn't sleep and I was just… thinking and stuff." Thinking about death. And heroin. And death. "And then these random words started popping up in my head, and spinning around and driving me crazy… so I wrote them down." I bit my lip. Matt was silent, listening carefully. I wished I could explain to him what it felt like, what I had been through. But at the same time, I was glad he didn't know. He didn't need that, and I didn't want to hurt him.

"It was really bad, wasn't it?" he asked silently, as if reading my thoughts.

I nodded, feeling my hands starting to shake at the memory. I couldn't look at him. I stared at the ground silently, trying to think about something else. But I couldn't. "It's like… being forced to live underground with no air and nothing but time to think about it." I spoke slowly, detaching every word. "I can't even count the number of times I wished I was dead." My voice broke on the last word. I gulped. I hoped Matt wasn't too freaked out.

I felt better all of a sudden. This was the first time I'd ever talked about it to anybody, and the relief was incredible. Wow, I hadn't realised how hard it was to hold it all in for so long.

"Hey now, s'alright…" Matt whispered, laying an arm around my shoulders awkwardly. That's when I noticed the tears prickling my eyes. I blinked quickly, trying to stop them from overflowing…

Shit. Too late. Matt gave me a small squeeze, pursing his lips. He obviously had no idea what to do with me. But he didn't have to do anything. Just the fact that he was there was enough to comfort me, and soon I managed to smile again. I sniffled and wiped my eyes, feeling a bit stupid.

"Sorry," I muttered, letting out a hoarse laugh.

"S'okay. You gotta let it out at some point." He chuckled nervously, pulling away from me.

We sat there awkwardly for a second, and then Matt said, "So…" And that was the extent of his sentence.

"Matt?" I said suddenly, with a disturbing intensity. He looked up at me expectantly. "You're my best fucking friend, man," I said seriously. "I hope you know that." I didn't know why I had told him that. I just needed him to know how much he meant to me. Hell, I would have died for him.

He didn't say anything for a second. And then he smiled. That smile said it all.

Happily, he picked up his guitar and strummed it almost compulsively. "Let's write that song, Ramsay."


	4. Chapter 4

4

Josh's POV

Matt and I hung around the back of the crowd, eating our hotdogs happily under the shading tents. We were planning on making our way to the front of the main stage a bit later, but for now we were taking a break to fuel up a bit.

"Thish ish shuh besht hawg-gog I'ph epha tashted," Matt said between two huge bites.

I laughed, covering my mouth to keep from spilling all the chewed-up hotdog on the ground. Eeew. I gulped it down quickly and said, "I agree, French girls ARE hot when they're wasted."

Matt frowned. "Huh? I said—"

"I know what you said, you idiot!" Matt's confused expression was absolutely priceless. I waved it off and took another bite. Man, that moron was right, this was one good fucking hotdog.

While we were eating and messing around, the bands switched up. I watched as the new guys took their places on the stage. They all looked the same from a distance. The singer asked the crowd how they were doing in an oddly familiar female voice.

"Wow, that chick is hot," Matt muttered absently.

I shot him a bewildered glance. "How do you even know what she looks like?" As if on cue, the cameras locked on her then and she appeared on the huge screens, her warm smile seeming to light up the already bright sky.

And then it hit me. Like a hundred bricks.

I choked and coughed as I tried to make sense of what was happening to me. This wasn't possible. I was dreaming. She was gone. Forever. She wasn't supposed to come back. …

She wasn't supposed to come back!

"You ok, man?" Matt asked in a concerned voice.

I nodded quickly, but it was a lie. Fuck. I couldn't believe it. I looked back at the screens to make sure it hadn't just been an illusion. Just as I did so, the beautiful girl opened her mouth to sing, and what came out was unmistakably Hayley's voice. I would never forget that voice. She was magnificent, her wild hair flying in every direction, her small tank top clinging to her perfect curves… Wow, she had grown up so much. But her smile hadn't changed. It was still so wide, so welcoming, so contagious and… so… beautiful…

"Wow, somebody's got a crush on the sexy vocalist," Matt taunted.

I snapped out of it immediately and shot him a distraught glare. "I do NOT."

"Dude, you were practically drooling." He chuckled and patted my back lightly. "Don't worry man, your secret's safe with me."

I rolled my eyes. He couldn't understand—obviously, since I hadn't even explained it to him. I wasn't planning on doing it anyway. It was just too fucked up and complicated. Sadly, I realised there was a huge part of me who wished she'd never showed up. It was just too much. I had barely managed to let go of her and now THIS?

"We are Paramore!" she shouted into the microphone. Paramore? Huh. Cool name.

I sighed thoughtfully. I couldn't believe she had already made it so far. While I was being a dumb fucker smoking heroin she was building up her path to fame and glory, and now look at her. Standing on top of the stage proudly, reaching her arms out to thousands of people… My stomach knotted painfully as I realised I would never be there, in that magical place she practically already owned.

I looked away, trying to ignore her perfection until she vanished again. "Give it up for Jeremy, Zac and Josh!" she yelled happily while everybody clapped and cheered. My head snapped up and I looked at her again despite myself. She had… actually… said my name.

I knew she was talking about someone else, but I couldn't help but imagine she wasn't. I remembered the way she used to say my name, with that shy smile pulling at the corners of her lips just at the thought of me. I missed that so much in that moment that it literally took my breath away, and I had to gasp in order to breathe again.

"Ok, seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you?" Matt sounded fairly annoyed this time.

Instead of answering his question, I said, "I'll be right back." What? Why had I said that? Where was I going?

Before I knew it, I was rushing past the thickening crowd, ignoring Matt's questions, running towards the stage, towards HER… This was crazy. I would never reach her like this. Eventually, the crowd got too thick for me to go through, and I had to think up another plan. I was so close.

There was only one way I could get to the stage.

I tapped the shoulder of a guy who looked bigger than Arnold Schwarzenegger and hoped he wouldn't punch me in the face in return. "Hey, mind giving me a lift?" I yelled over the noise surrounding us.

The dude frowned and stared down at me in confusion. "A lift? What for?"

"Well you know… crowd surfing…" I flashed a confident smile—or whatever, something like that—and mimicked carrying something at the top of my arms for emphasis. Wait, what was I doing? I had never crowd surfed before and wasn't planning to. But it just couldn't stop myself.

Arnold's lookalike raised his eyebrows. "You're crazy, you know that?" Yes. Very much. Before I could respond out loud, he grabbed my feet and lifted me up as if I was light as a feather. I clung to him for dear life as he yelled, "Incoming!" to the people in front of us. They turned around just in time to see me dropping towards them, my terrified screams muffled by the noise. And then all I saw was the sky.

* * *

Hayley's POV

I was getting seriously good at this. The first few shows had started off shakily, but by the time we got to the fifth or sixth one, I felt like I'd done this all my life. It was always the same, but always different at the same time. The crowds were similar but never identical. I loved seeing all these different people cheering for us, for ME, and some even started singing along at some point. How did they even KNOW these songs!?

I was so caught up in this that I didn't notice when the tour brought us to Vancouver. I didn't realise what that meant. I didn't see the opportunity stretching out in front of me.

So when I saw him being thrown into the slimy arms of an annoyed bodyguard by the angry crowd, I was taken completely unaware. What was he doing here!? I stopped singing in mid-sentence and stared at the lanky boy trying desperately to escape from the bodyguard's strong grip. Even though he was failing, he didn't give up. It was quite hilarious.

I snapped out of it suddenly and realised my band was shooting me panicked glares. I resumed singing the chorus of Emergency, but for the first time since the tour had started, I wasn't paying complete attention to what I was doing.

I kept an eye on Josh, who was now being thrown back into the crowd. He pushed his way to the front row again and looked up at me with a triumphant smile. I returned his smile so he would know that I had seen him, and he looked happy enough in that moment to float his way past the bodyguards.

I couldn't believe this. He was really back. Josh, MY Josh, had come back to me.

He waited patiently for the song to end, throwing his arms into the air and head-banging ridiculously while I tried my best not to burst out laughing. I managed to finish the song without messing up any further. "Thank you!" I told the enthusiastic sea of people clapping and screaming. "Once again, we are Paramore and you've been… para-rocked!" Haha, what had I just said? I laughed at my own weirdness and walked off the stage quickly to avoid any further embarrassment. I turned back at the last moment and waved for Josh to follow me. He tried to climb on the stage but the bodyguard stopped him once again, looking very angry. I saw them argue and decided to step in before Josh ended up in jail.

The crowd roared again as they saw me come back to the stage. I smiled and waved at them before leaning toward the large man yelling at Josh. "Um, mister bodyguard sir?" I said, tapping his shoulder. He turned in surprise. "This guy's with me," I said sweetly. "I'd like it if you let him through." He shrugged and grabbed Josh's arm before brutally pushing him up on the stage. Josh stumbled and fell straight into my arms. Awkward. As soon as he regained his balance, he pulled away and chuckled nervously. I took his wrist and quickly pulled him off the stage, waving one last time at the crowd which was now echoing with cat calls.

As soon as we were hidden again, I stopped abruptly and faced Josh who almost ran into me. He tried taking a step back but I caught him before he could move and wrapped my arms around his neck to pull him close. He seemed to accept the embrace happily, hugging me so tightly I could barely breathe anymore.

After what seemed like forever, he pulled away to examine my face. His eyes sparkled with joy as they locked on mine. Wow, I had forgotten how dreamy they were…

"Hey," he said suddenly. I thought that was very funny for some reason. We hadn't seen each other in almost three years and all he said was "hey."

"Hi," I replied, holding back my laughter. Josh let his hands fall off my back then, and I took mine away from his neck reluctantly.

"So…" he started. Well, this was incredibly awkward. "Para-rocked, eh?"

Oh no, don't bring that up. I scoffed and rubbed the side of my head with my sweaty palm. "That was so lame."

He smiled. "It wasn't…" I looked at him in disbelief. "Ok, it was," he rectified. "But everything else you did was amazing," he added sincerely. "You're absolutely incredible."

I felt my cheeks burn as I looked down. "Thanks. Uh… Josh?"

"What?"

I managed to look back up at him shyly. He smiled warmly, and all of a sudden I regained all my confidence. "I missed you so much." The graveness in my own voice took me by surprise.

Josh pursed his lips. He obviously struggled to look me in the eye. Finally, he sighed and said, "I missed you too. Too much."


	5. Chapter 5

5

Josh's POV

"I missed you too," I said gravely. Wow, that sounded so fake and lame and corny and pathetic. I needed to fix that. "Too much," I added. There. Now it sounded intense.

Hayley looked on the verge of tears—oh yeah, I remembered now how emotional she was. Especially around me. I smiled awkwardly and she started laughing, her laugh quickly turning into some sort of weird sobbing though. Ahem. Well.

I pretended nothing was weird with the situation and smiled at the people surrounding us who were now sending me lightning bolts through their eyes—sheesh, what was their problem?—until finally, Hayley sniffled and seemed to calm down a bit.

"Sorry," she mumbled.

"That's ok," I said immediately. "I'm used to it."

She chuckled nervously. "So… You wanna meet my band?" she proposed.

Oh, finally something to do! I nodded eagerly and she led me towards the line of tour buses hidden a couple hundred metres behind the stage. "Wow, they've all escaped quickly," I joked lightly, trying to release some of the awkward tension between us.

"Yeah, they tend to do that. Guys, you know. They gotta go pee every thirty minutes." I laughed at the truth of that. I was glad the mood was finally lightening.

Once we arrived at her bus, Hayley climbed on and motioned me to follow her. The inside was pretty spacious and cozy, which kind of surprised me because I'd always thought tour buses were horribly tiny. But what did I know?

"Hey, Josh!" Hayley said happily, not looking at me.

I stared at her in confusion. "Huh?"

At the same time, another voice coming from the right said, "Yo, Hayley!" And that's when I noticed the thin guy lying on the small couch next to the window watching his phone intently. I hadn't even realised he was there until now. He hadn't even looked up at us.

"Josh… I'd like you to meet a friend of mine," Hayley continued in a sweet but slightly annoyed tone.

The other Josh finally took his eyes off his precious screen and sat up lazily. He shot me a disinterested glance and held out his hand. "Hey there. I'm Josh." He sounded like he would rather eat a pencil than talk to me.

I decided to play it cool and pretend I didn't notice his asshole-ness. "Me too," I said with a smile, shaking his hand energetically.

He frowned at that statement but shrugged it off, returning to whatever the hell he was doing on his phone. Probably playing Angry Birds or something.

Hayley looked at me apologetically and led me towards the back of the bus, where I would most likely get to meet a couple more of the seven lovely dwarves. On the way, Hayles presented me with a description on every item she saw. The sink, the pantry, her coffee cup, her favourite pillow, her unfinished bowl of cereal, and even some stinky black socks that obviously weren't hers lying on the ground. And all that with a smile. It surprised me how she didn't seem too shy when it came to spending every hour of the day with a bunch of smelly dudes.

"Hayley!" a deep voice shouted then. Well, this one was definitely having more fun. He came running at her like he hadn't seen her in years. I guess I had something in common with all of them.

"Hey, Jeremy!" she greeted with a huge grin. Gosh, he was so tall next to her! Almost as tall as me. Whoa. Hayley stepped out of the way to reveal me standing there awkwardly. "Meet Josh."

I smiled a tiny smile and waved a tiny wave. Jeremy returned my smile multiplied by twenty and gave me a friendly pat on the shoulder. Er, ok. "Hiya, Josh! Nice to meet you!"

"Hey," I replied curtly. I suddenly didn't feel like meeting all these people anymore. I wanted to be with Hayley. Alone. Might as well enjoy it while I could. "Well, we better get going, eh, Hayles?" I threw her a meaningful glance and she caught on immediately, nodding sadly.

She said goodbye to Jeremy and we headed out. I kind of felt like shit all of a sudden. Hayley had been so enthusiastic about this and I just ruined it…

"Phew, glad that's over," she said then, pulling me out of my guilty thoughts. And once again, what the fuck?

"Wait, wait. So… You're GLAD that I ended up not giving a shit about the other members of your wicked band?" I figured complimenting her band would be a good way to brighten the question.

She chuckled and a sly smile crept to her lips. "More like glad that you give more a shit about me than them." Wow, since when did she start swearing?

I grinned and shook my head in disapproval. "You are just so full of surprises, Sponge Bob."

* * *

Hayley's POV

Well, I wasn't the only one full of surprises. "Josh, you appeared out of nowhere and tried to jump on the stage in the middle of my song, and I'm the surprising one?"

He nodded slowly. "Fair enough. You have to admit that was fucking epic. I thought I was gonna die." He laughed half-heartedly before adding, "No, really. I really did."

"Oh." Well, that was nice to know.

"So, how've you been?" he asked, a flaring interest in his eyes.

"Great," I answered immediately. What was I supposed to say? "I'm in a band."

"You don't say!"

I laughed. "Yep! And I have a boyfriend!" At that, Josh's smile vanished and he stared at me in shock. Oops. "Oh Josh, I'm so sorry."

"No, no, it's ok." He forced a smile. "I'm glad you managed to move on." Unlike him? Something told me there was more to that statement than he'd wanted me to understand. "Is it Jack?" His question shocked me. How had he guesses so fast?

Then again, there weren't so many options. "Yeah," I muttered. "But he's a really sweet guy and…"

"I KNOW how he is, you little freak." A patronizing smile accompanied his words. "And I'm glad it's him. He kept his promise."

I frowned. "What promise?"

He hesitated, but finally gave up and answered. "Before I left, I made him promise that he would take care of you once I was gone. This wasn't exactly what I had in mind, but I guess it fits the bill." He forced that feeble smile again. I didn't know why he bothered, I could tell that smile was completely fake.

I sighed heavily. Well, this wasn't going as well as I'd hoped.

"Hey, you wanna meet my friend Matt?" Josh asked then, breaking the silence with a new enthusiasm.

I nodded eagerly and we half ran back to the show, driven by a new excitement. The ear splitting music was enough to brighten our moods again, and we forgot all about the boyfriend conversation. I followed Josh through the crowd as he avoided the knots of people blocking the way here and there. At some point it started clearing up a bit, and we finally reached our destination.

We were under one of the shading tents now, the one facing the main stage directly. Josh halted, but he kept looking around, scratching his head. "Where the fuck is he?" he asked half for himself. He turned to me and shrugged apologetically. "Well, I guess Matt vanished."

"Let's look for him," I suggested. It wasn't like we had anything better to do.

We started walking aimlessly, searching for Matt—well, Josh was searching and I just followed him, since I had no idea what Matt looked like.

Finally, after almost half an hour of walking in circles, he gave up and crossed his arms angrily. "Shit. I told him to stay put!" I watched him helplessly while he kept talking. "Actually, I didn't. That was a lie. But I thought he would figure out that it's the best thing to do!" He sighed in defeat.

"Maybe he got hurt and went to the medical tents?" I tried. It was pretty much the only place we hadn't checked.

Josh's eyes widened with worry. "Shit, maybe you're right! Oh shit, what if something happened to him?!" Oh great, now he was panicking. He eyed me frantically, waiting for a response.

"I'm sure he's fine," I said as calmly as I could. I couldn't help but smile at how much he cared about his friend. "I mean, it's not like he had a heart attack."

"But he has severe epilepsy!"

I gasped. This WAS serious. "Oh my god, we have to—"

"I was just kidding, he doesn't have epilepsy." Josh laughed at my concerned expression as it slowly turned to annoyance.

"That's not funny." He was laughing even harder now, and I smacked him to make him shut up.

"Ouch!"

"Let's go find your friend already!" I eyed the huge red cross of the medical tents sitting proudly on top of a long pole on my left, higher than anything else. "If he's really there…"


	6. Chapter 6

6

Josh's POV

"You. Fucking. Idiot." I glared at Matt angrily and he stared back with an expression of pure innocence on his face. "What did you DO?"

"I uh…" He looked down, smiling like a retard. "I tried to follow you, but uh, I got lost and…"

"Yes?" Come on, just get over with it.

"Well, I ended up in a crowded spot and—"

"This whole place is crowded, Matthew."

"AND…" He looked annoyed now. Excuse me, but he'd just scared the fuck out of me by vanishing like that so I had the right to fucking interrupt him. "Someone pushed me and I fell," he continued. "On my hand."

I felt like slapping my forehead, but instead I just stared at him in disbelief. "How helpless can you GET? I seriously can't leave you alone for five minutes without having to worry about you getting killed?"

He looked down at his bandaged hand guiltily. We were under one of the medical tents now, where Hayley had thankfully guessed Matt was. I supposed he'd headed there after the accident to get his probably painful hand checked out.

Oh my fucking god, I still couldn't believe this. What a dumbass.

"Look, I'm sorry, ok?" He raised his hands helplessly, seeming undecided as to what to say next. "I mean… It's not my fault you left without any kind of warning! You could've at least told me to stay there if that's what you wanted." Oh, so this was MY fault now?

"Well, maybe if you'd taken a second to think about it you would've figured it out by yourself!"

"Josh, I think he's right." We both turned sharply towards the voice who had spoken. Hayley was looking at me with that apologetic smile of hers, and even though I was annoyed at the fact that she was taking Matt's side, I couldn't help but feel calmer all of a sudden.

I sighed in defeat. I didn't feel like arguing anymore. "Whatever. But be more careful next time!" I added, pointing a menacing finger at Matt's face.

He nodded quickly and muttered, "Whatever." And that pretty much ended there.

We spent the next couple hours just enjoying the show, the warm weather and some more of those heavenly hotdogs—which Hayley devoured like a pig before flashing a smile that made us all break down in hysterics. She and Matt got to know each other a little more, and strangely enough I always caught them talking about me when they thought I wasn't listening.

And then Matt decided that his hand was causing him too much pain and it was better if he went to the hospital soon, so he called him mom—who didn't take it lightly in the LEAST, which I thought was pretty hilarious but according to Matt it wasn't—and he left. Leaving me and Hayley alone. With a few thousand people. But still.

I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. My thoughts were all just a big messy knot now, and I could feel panic creeping in. Hayley. Me. Hayley. Alone. This had been so much easier when Matt had been there. I had to say something. We had stopped walking for some reason, and now she was staring at the ground awkwardly, throwing me nervous glances. Uhhhh…

"Hey, you wanna come over tonight?" What? Had I just said that? Well, either that or the Invisible Man had the same voice as me.

Hayley looked up in surprise and smiled. "Sure! But…" She rubbed her cheek thoughtfully, her eyes sliding toward the ground again. Oh, no. "I can't. We have to leave in, uh, in the morning."

"Well you can spend the night and I can drive you back tomorrow morning!" Man, wasn't I a genius?

"Josh, I…" Why did she hesitate? Didn't she want to? Did she hate me? Oh fuck, what if she hated me? What if she was still angry at me for bailing out on her three years ago? What if she thought I was an asshole? What if she felt guilty about talking to her ex-boyfriend? What if… What if… "Ok, fine," she said suddenly. "But I wanna be back here by tomorrow morning." And she smiled the most beautiful smile in the universe.

* * *

Hayley's POV

I had lied.

I had lied because there was nothing I wanted more than to spend as much time with Josh as possible, even if I knew it would have to end soon. I had lied by telling him that I had to be back by morning, when actually I had to be back by eleven. That night.

But in that moment it had seemed so soon, too soon. I wanted to be with Josh that night, to stay up and talk to him, laugh with him, have fun with him. I wanted to catch up on the past three years of his life. What was he doing while I was building up my band? I needed to know. I missed him. More than I would've hoped.

So who cared about a few hours? They could wait for me until the morning. They wouldn't die. I would find a good excuse.

I managed to find my band again—well, two of them anyway—where they were signing autographs for some of our few fans—I still couldn't believe we actually had FANS—and told them I was going to a friend's house until tonight. Zac gave me a look, but Jeremy smiled and said goodbye with a hug. I signed a few autographs as well, mostly for people who were my age or older, which felt extremely weird even though it wasn't the first time, and we were off.

"Can you drive?" I asked Josh as he guided me to his gray Chevy—well, his parents' gray Chevy, I supposed—in the huge, slowly emptying parking lot.

"Nah, I'll call my personal chauffeur in a minute. His name is Butler but he doesn't like it when we joke about that."

I laughed and rolled my eyes. "Let me rephrase that. Do you have a driver's licence?"

"Now THAT is a completely different question." He opened the door and sat behind the wheel. I took my place next to him and looked at him expectantly. "The answer is no. But it doesn't matter."

I stared at him wide-eyed. "Of course it matters! What if you get pulled over?"

"I can drive, ok?" He gave me a look that made me giggle stupidly and I forgot what my argument had been. But damn, who cares?

He drove us to his house—thankfully we got there alive without being pulled over. His neighborhood impressed me as soon as we reached it, and so did that huge beautiful house with that pretty lawn and those pretty cars. I suddenly wondered why in the world anyone would move from there to go to a shitty city in America.

"So… we're here."

"It's beautiful!" I said quickly.

He looked at me and chuckled. "Yeah. Thanks. Come on!"

We entered the house silently and snuck to his bedroom without a word. I didn't really want his mother to see me and recognize me and question me… This was like a secret mission. It was exciting!

"This is my room," Josh introduced as soon as the door was safely shut behind us. It was a small room compared to the rest of the house. Messy, of course, but that was to be expected. The walls were covered in pictures and posters and a few papers with words scribbled on them, all placed in a vague pattern around a huge Queen poster that seemed to dominate the place. There were clothes lying everywhere, along with a bunch of CDs and…

"Is that a bra?"

Josh frowned and followed my gaze until he saw what I was seeing. At that his eyes widened and he started laughing. "That is NOT mine! I think you just found Sara's lost treasure." I giggled as he went to pick it up between his thumb and forefinger. "I swear, she looked for it for AGES. And all that, why? Because it has fucking glitter on it." He was laughing even harder now. He lifted the corner of his bed sheets and hid the bra under them. "She can't find out it's been here all along or I'm dead."

"Well then, I guess you'll just have to sell it on eBay," I suggested.

"Yeah! Awesome idea!"

He didn't say anything else. It took a few seconds before our laughs died out and we stood there silently, clearing our throats. I looked up at him and he smiled awkwardly. This was so strange.

It hit me then that I hadn't seen this guy in three years. That he used to be my best friend, my lover… And what was he now? An old acquaintance? I felt guilty about forgetting him, even for a second, after he had left. I had a feeling he hadn't forgotten me.

"So how've you been, Josh?" The question had been burning my lips for so long. It was a serious question. I wanted the truth. I wanted him to tell me a story.

But the story he told me took me completely by surprise. It was not what I was hoping to hear. "To be honest, I haven't been very well," he said first. He hesitated and sighed heavily. "Hayles… I fucked up."


	7. Chapter 7

7

Josh's POV

"Hayles… I fucked up." Here came the dreaded moment. I'd known she would eventually ask about the past years of my life, but I hadn't taken time to think about what I would tell her. I had avoided the thought. And how I wished I hadn't. But it was too late now.

Hayley took a seat on my bed and I sat on my desk chair, squeezing my sweaty hands between my knees. "What happened, Josh?" she asked wearily. Her voice was soft, but her eyes urged me to say something.

Well, I figured I should probably do that. But I couldn't just blurt it out. Oh yeah, well ya know, just did some heroin and all that. Haha. Nope. I needed a fucking speech.

Hayley stared at me expectantly, her face slowly filling with annoyance in front of my silence. "I, uh…" Oh fuck it, it wasn't like she was gonna eat me. "I just got out of rehab a few weeks ago." That's right Josh, start with the end. Start with the good news.

A second ticked by and then Hayley gasped and clasped her hands over her mouth in horror. "You were in REHAB!? What for?"

"Uh… jellybean overdose?" She frowned. I chuckled nervously. Shit. Out of all the drugs in the world, I had seriously picked the worst one. I cleared my throat and looked down. "Um, heroin," I muttered, giving my voice a casual tone to make it sound less devastating. I pursed my lips and waited for a reaction.

But nothing happened. What, hadn't I spoken loud enough? I looked up at her in confusion, and that's when I noticed the soft tears slipping from her now swollen eyes. Oh fuck. Not this. Anything but this.

"Hayles…"

"Josh," she cut off harshly, "how could you?!"

Her question didn't make much sense to me at first. How could I WHAT? I wasn't a psychotic serial killer. What I had done wasn't a crime. It wasn't entirely WRONG… right?

I shook the obsessive question away. I could philosophise later. Right now I needed an answer for Hayley. But what could I possibly say? "Look, can we just talk about something else, please?"

"No!" The hardness of her tone took me by surprise and I felt myself stiffen. "We are NOT changing the subject," she continued. "This is serious, Josh. I wanna talk about it."

Oh, come on! I had talked about it enough! I had thought about it long enough and lost enough sleep over it. All I fucking wanted was to move on. I was done. It was over. "There's nothing to talk about. It's over, Hayles."

"Are you sure?" She eyed me challengingly.

I rolled my eyes. "Of course I'm—" Dammit. Now I was starting to doubt again. Was I really sure? Was it REALLY over? The craving had returned several times after I'd left rehab—I mean re-HELL—but it was nothing. Just a shadow. A reminiscence. "Of course I'm sure," I repeated in a softer but still firm tone.

She sniffled and stared at her pink and green socks. "I can't believe it. Hadn't you been through enough… CRAP before? With all those disorders a—and… all that? D-Did you really have to… mess up even more?" She was sobbing again. I felt my stomach twist with shame. She was right, I HAD been through enough, I hadn't needed heroin to fuck everything up even more.

But I knew deep down that it wasn't like that. Heroin hadn't been an additional problem at first, it had been a remedy. I had fallen into its grip BECAUSE of my former problems, because it made everything seem better. Of course, it had gotten out of hand quickly enough, but I still had a point. Heroin had been my friend for a while. My only friend.

And I knew Hayley wouldn't understand. The last thing I wanted was for her to be able to understand that. She was happy and I was happy for her, I didn't have to burden her with my horror stories.

I stood up from my chair and sat next to her on the bed. I put my arm around her shoulders awkwardly, waiting for her to stop crying. I wasn't exactly sure what I should do next. I knew what I WANTED to do, but I figured it was better to ignore those thoughts.

"I… I'm sorry, Hayles," I whispered uncomfortably. I wasn't quite certain of the extent of my sorrow, but everything else I considered saying just sounded stupid and fake. Probably because it WAS stupid and fake.

Without a word, Hayley turned to me abruptly and gave me a long warm hug. Well, that was nice.

"I'm just glad you're better now," she muttered against my shoulder. "I love you, Josh."

Woah.

Well.

That was… MORE than nice.

Hayley pulled away the teensiest bit. She looked up at me and smiled before wrapping her arms around me again. But this time it was different. Slower. Softer. I felt my heart beat faster as she stretched her neck to lay a kiss on my jaw. I leaned down and pressed my lips against hers, and the whole world disappeared.

It was like Freshman year all over again. But different. So much sweeter, and so much better… Our tongues tangled like old friends meeting again. My heart was pounding in my ears. I could feel Hayley's grip on my hair while my hands travelled from her waist to her face and down her back again. Without breaking the kiss, she leaned on me and pushed me down on the bed, sitting on top of me.

God, this was perfect. But I wanted to try something new. I broke the kiss and brushed my lips over her jaw until I reached her neck. She moaned as I kissed her softly, my hands pulling hesitantly on her tank top. I wanted to tug it off so bad, but I was scared of what would happen next. What if I went too far? What if she suddenly changed her mind?

So instead I gripped her waist and rolled over so that I was on top of her and we weren't on the edge of the tiny bed anymore. Careful as to not lay too much weight on her, I leaned in and locked her lips between mine again, smiling slightly. This was good enough.

* * *

Hayley's POV

This was so wrong.

But it was so beautiful. I felt unbelievably happy, euphoric even. I had missed this so much. It was a taste of what I had lost three years ago, but it was also a taste of something new, something I'd never felt before.

Josh broke the kiss again to place his mouth near my ear, laying a gentle kiss on my cheek on the way. "I love you too, Hayles," he whispered softly. God, he was so good at this. My stomach just about burst with butterflies as the kiss resumed, our lips and tongues meeting yet again.

Why was this so perfect when it was so wrong?

No, that was silly. There was nothing wrong about this. How could it possibly be wrong? It was perfect. It was perfectly right.

But then again… Ugh. Wow. It was getting so hot in here. Too many clothes, had to get rid of them…

Jack.

I gasped and before I could stop myself, my arms were already on Josh's chest, pushing him away almost brutally. I had never gone this far before. And I would've if there wasn't another name spinning through my head, burning me with guilt. Jack.

Jack, who had been there for me when no one else was, who had caught me when I'd had my worse fall. Jack, who'd always been so patient with me, so sweet and understanding. Jack, my best friend. My boyfriend. How could I do this to him?

Josh stared at me, a mix of bewilderment, confusion and pain playing on his face.

"I'm sorry," I said breathlessly, unable to meet his eye. I tried sitting up and he quickly moved over, letting me escape from under him. As soon as I was back on my feet, I turned to him again, feeling a knot building up in my throat. His eyes were full of questions. Painful questions. WHY? "I have… someone else," I said, trying to keep my voice from breaking. "You know that."

He understood then. He knew who my boyfriend was. I had told him. There was no more confusion in his expression. Just disappointment and grief, both slowly replaced by anger. "I get it," was all he said. He clenched his fists, staring intently at the wall behind me. He looked so tense now that I was almost scared he would strangle me. No, I was more scared for Jack. But Jack was far away now, and soon so would I be. Far away from both of them.

"I guess I'll go now…" I muttered quickly before walking out the door as fast as I could. It wasn't so late and the car ride to Josh's house had been short. I would find my way back to my tour bus. Alone.


	8. Chapter 8

8

Josh's POV

Fuck.

Why didn't anything ever go RIGHT? What was fucking wrong with me!?

I heard Hayley shut the front door upstairs. That's it, leave. Fuck off. I felt as if she'd ripped that stupid front door off the hinges and hit me with it. I just wanted to hit her back.

I squeezed my eyes shut. Of course I didn't want that. I didn't want to hurt her. Ever. I guess it wasn't mutual.

But Jack… Giving HIS face a bloody makeover wouldn't have given me nightmares. I despised every little bit of that asshole's existence. I just wanted to strangle him until…

Ugh. What the hell. This was so stupid. I wasn't going to strangle anybody, except maybe myself. This wasn't Jack's fault. He hadn't done anything wrong. And it wasn't Hayley's fault either. I had convinced her to come over. I had started all this shit. I had MADE her cheat on her fucking boyfriend. I was the other guy.

I was always the other guy.

All my anger evaporated then, leaving me empty. I unclenched my muscles one by one and let myself fall back on the bed like a dead leaf. My life was a sad, pointless piece of shit. I would have to face that one day. Nothing would ever go right. I didn't even know why I tried anymore. Maybe because every time I'd given up I'd failed. Everything I ever did failed. I failed at failing.

I felt so lost. There was nothing I could hold on to. Every time I had found a way to fill up the hole burning through me, they'd taken it away. They took everything away because it was "bad for me," but they didn't put anything else back in. And then they wondered why I was always getting into trouble. Maybe because trouble was the only thing I still had? Ever thought of that?

Like I always did, I thought back on the times when I used to have Hayley, almost three years earlier. It had been short, but it had been the best time of my life. She had filled up the hole with pure joy, HEALTHY joy, but when she'd left my life she'd taken a part of me with her. The good part.

She had left me all alone for years. Of course, I had Matt, but Matt just couldn't handle me. It wasn't his fault. I was just too much shit for him. It was Hayley that I had truly needed, but Hayley wasn't there.

And now all of a sudden, she had reappeared out of nowhere. Shining on that stage like the sun, like a demon trying to charm me… At first it had felt like a miracle, like the best day of my life. But then… It was all just a trap. And I fell for it. Hard.

In the end, I had to face the facts. I would never have her back. I would never have what I'd had in high school. It was just too late for that. I had to suck it up.

I would never have anything.

Suddenly, there was a light knock on my door. Great. Maybe if I stayed silent whoever was out there would go away.

The knock came back again. "Josh?" Oh no. Not her.

Sara was a rather insistent person, and I knew that if I didn't do anything she would most likely burst into my room uninvited. "Go away!" I shouted. Well, with the way my voice sounded, I knew it would have the opposite effect.

The door opened then and I rolled over to hide my face. "What's wrong, Josh?"

I groaned. "Can you not comprehend the meaning of 'go away'? Do you want a demonstration?"

"Oh, I already got one." He voice was closer now. Shit. "I think the girl who just stormed out of the house was a pretty good demonstration."

Shit, shit, shit. She had no idea what she was talking about. God, this was the last thing I needed. "Leave… me… alone," I muttered through clenched teeth.

There was a momentary silence, and then I felt her hand on my shoulder and I stiffened. "Oh my god…" Sara breathed. "I'm sorry, I didn't think it was THIS serious." Uh, ok? What had suddenly made her change her mind? "Oh, please don't cry, Joshie…" Oh. That.

I buried my face in my pillow in an attempt to hide it from her again, but totally failed. Haha, obviously, since I always failed. Sara reached out her hand to wipe my stupid wet cheek, but I pushed her away. "Just go away," I whispered so silently it would surprise me if she'd actually heard anything.

"It's just a girl, you know," she said matter-of-factly. Oh great, now she was gonna try and make me feel better, eh? "There are plenty of girls out there, trust me. You shouldn't let her break you down."

"Oh, what the fuck do you know!?" I turned sharply and plunged my gaze into hers. "You have NO idea what you're talking about, Sara! You have NO idea how I feel!"

She frowned, unimpressed. "You think I've never been in love before? I don't know what just happened here, but I know break-ups suck. Any type of break-up." Even the type where you're not even the actual boyfriend? Then again, did it really matter who Hayley's fucking boyfriend even was?

"But it's more than that…" I realised as I said it. "You don't understand how… empty I feel! I'm just a worthless… idiot…" God, I had so much trouble putting my thoughts into words.

"Of course not."

"Yes, I am!" My voice sounded so hoarse. Ew. "Please don't try to make me feel better, because it's not gonna work."

Sara looked down, seeming to deliberate on what to say next. "Josh, I've been here for a while. I know what your life looks like from the outside, ok? I know what YOU look like from the outside." A shaved llama? "And it's not as bad as you think. You're not THAT much of a loser."

Uhuh. "Sara, I got kicked out of high school."

"Well, you had a tough time! That doesn't mean you don't have potential!"

I sighed in exasperation. "But I DON'T have potential! What does it even matter!? I'll never be anything! Ever! I. Have. No. Future."

Sara crossed her arms, looking at me hopelessly. "Fine, then, if you insist, you won't have a future. But just know that you can control that. The second you decide to turn things around, things WILL turn around. It's up to you, Josh." That said, she got up and left the room, leaving me speechless.

It's up to you, Josh.

Could she be right? Could I really turn things around?

After all, I had nothing to lose. Nothing.

Fuck it. I would get Hayley back. No matter what it took.

I got up so quickly that my head started spinning and I had to hold on to the wall in order to stay on my feet. As soon as I could see again, I rushed out the door and climbed the stairs two by two. I slipped my sneakers on and grabbed a random jacket before flying out the front door, looking around frantically for any sign of Hayley.

She was gone. I started running down the sidewalk hoping I could catch up to her before realising how stupid that was. Of course I wouldn't catch up to her like that. I doubled back on my steps and rushed back inside to grab my car keys—I mean, my mother's car keys. This way, I was sure to find Hayley in no time.

I was filled with hope, fear and nervousness, but it was much better than the emptiness that usually haunted me. I actually had a goal in mind.

Thank you, Sara.

* * *

Hayley's POV

I was lost. Like, literally. I had no idea where I was. It was dark outside and all my assurance was gone. I thought I would be able to find my way back to the stadium where the tour buses were, but I guess I had been wrong.

And I had been so confident at first! I had been SURE of walking in the right direction, sometimes recognizing things I had seen on the way to Josh's house… Ugh, I didn't want to think about him. Actually, I didn't want to think about what I had DONE to him. Oh man, I was such a horrible person. He probably hated me now. I wouldn't blame him.

I should never have come to his house. I shouldn't have taken things so far. I had KNOWN it was wrong, but I had ignored it… And now I had not only hurt Josh, but Jack too. He didn't know it yet, but I knew I wouldn't be able to keep something like this a secret. It was only fair to tell him. Tell him what an irresponsible… BITCH I was.

Tears prickled at my eyes and I blinked quickly, trying to make them go away. The freezing wind started blowing in my face then, and I couldn't do anything about the tears anymore. The flowed freely as I quickened my pace, completely clueless as to where I was headed.

Suddenly, a car pulled over next to me. Oh no, maybe it was a rapist or something. I walked even faster than before, breaking into a jog. My heart beat so fast I was sure I would have a heart attack. Sheesh, what was wrong with me?

And then, I felt a hand on my shoulder.


	9. Chapter 9

9

Hayley's POV

I let out a shriek that hurt my own ears before echoing through the houses lining the long road I didn't even know the name of. I shoved away whoever was behind me and turned to run as fast as I could in the opposite direction. Maybe if I was fast enough he would give up on trying to catch me and I would escape…

"Hayley!" yelled a voice I recognized too well. That was NOT a rapist. But it was probably worse. I froze and spun around slowly. At first, I was blinded by the headlights of the car that had stopped next to me, and then I started to distinguish a vague shadow standing in front of the light, a dozen feet away from me, unmoving. "It's me, Josh," he said softly, his arms held out in front of him, as if he was scared of startling me again.

"What are you doing here? How did you find me?" I asked, a million questions spinning in my head.

"I, uh, I figured you would probably get lost, so I went out to look for you," he answered dully, a carefully composed expression on his face. Well, that was obviously half the truth. But I faked belief, nodding understandingly. "To be honest, I wasn't wrong," he added with a smile. "The stadium's that way." He pointed his thumb in the other direction from where I was going. Oops.

I chuckled nervously and took a few steps toward him until a normal distance separated us. "Well then… Could you, um…"

"Drive you to your bus?" he completed. "Sure, that's… that's why I came." Again that unsure tone.

I cleared my throat uncomfortably. "Ok, well…" Ugh, this was so awkward. No, it was worse than that. It was embarrassing.

I smiled nervously as he gestured me to sit in the passenger seat of the car while he walked around it to the driver's seat.

I buckled up and stared out the window while he started the engine. Small drops of water covered my view of the big gray houses as it began to drizzle. Josh turned on the wipers and we were off. He drove slowly back towards his house, which must have been on the way—wow, I had been walking in the wrong direction since the beginning!

I could feel the tension rise between us in the irritating silence. I tried not to think about what Josh and I had done, about what we'd been ABOUT to do… About Jack.

This was so wrong. It was so… so… Funny? Before I knew it, I was chuckling into my hand, trying to dissimilate the sound. Of course, it was useless.

"What's so funny?" Josh asked, a confused smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

I shrugged. "I dunno… This whole fricking situation! I mean, it's terrible, but it's just so… pathetic and… hilarious!" This time, I couldn't control it anymore. I was giggling almost hysterically. Josh joined it a bit half-heartedly at first but soon he was laughing as hard as me, hard enough that he had to stop the car so we wouldn't run into a tree.

After a few long seconds of idiotic laughter, we fell back into a gloomy silence. Josh turned to me gravely. "I don't want you to leave," he said quietly.

My stomach knotted. I didn't want that either. "But I have to," I whispered regretfully. "I have to leave just like you did three years ago." It wasn't the same, but close enough. Back in Freshman year, Josh had had no choice but to move back to Canada and leave me behind in my crappy American town, all alone—or almost. I had been so angry at him, but I knew it wasn't his fault. He'd had no say in that.

This time, it was his turn to understand. I had a life. I had a boyfriend. I had a band. And he just didn't fit in anywhere.

* * *

Josh's POV

"I have to leave just like you did three years ago."

I was perfectly aware of that. But wasn't it a little douchey of her to throw that on me like it had all been my fault? I hadn't wanted to leave! So what, was I somehow guilty of fucking everything up three years ago that now I had to suddenly be understanding and let her go? Again? Wouldn't that just add up to the guilt?

Would letting her leave make up for the time SHE had let ME leave, like that would somehow make us even?

It felt like the opposite. It was been a mistake to let anything pull us apart the first time. Doing it again wouldn't fix anything. She had miraculously appeared out of nowhere. NOWHERE. I couldn't take that for granted. I had to hold on to her. This time, I wouldn't make the same mistake.

Except this time, it was HER life that was in jeopardy of being fucked up, not mine. Would keeping her with me be a selfish thing to do? Wasn't it better for her if I just stopped poisoning her existence and let her go? Too bad I was a selfish human being.

Despite my complicated reasoning to make a decision, I still had one big problem. How the fuck would I keep Hayley from leaving?

"Josh? Are you alright?" she asked in a tiny voice full of guilt. Ugh. I hated this. She had no reason to feel guilty.

I nodded and forced a smile. Of course I wasn't alright. I turned the engine back on and continued our slow progression across Acadia road towards the Thunderbird stadium where Hayley's tour bus was probably waiting for her.

Haha, it would be so funny if they'd actually left without her. Then she would have no choice but to stay with me forever. Problem solved.

Of course, that wasn't gonna happen. She said she had to leave the next MORNING. Which meant she still had a whole night… which she could very well spend with me. That was SO happening.

I slowed down when we started to approach my house—and since we were already going about thirty kilometres per hour, it would probably have been faster to walk by then. I finally stopped in front of my front door and cut the engine. I stared out the windshield sheepishly, waiting for the inevitable question.

"Uh… what are we doing here?" There is was. "Aren't you supposed to take me to the stadium?" I could feel her expectant stare on me. I didn't know what to say. "Josh!?"

Dammit, I had to snap out of it. I took a deep breath and looked at her. "Hayley, I…" God, she was so beautiful. I just wanted to get lost in her big green eyes and stay there forever… Fuck, fuck, fuck. Focus. "I—I thought it would suck to, uh, l—leave each other like that," I stammered stupidly. Ugh, I was so unconvincing. "So uh… I thought maybe we could… try again?" Somebody slap me. Why was it so hard for me to talk to her? I had told her so many things before, INTIMATE things, without any trouble, and now I could barely ask her to spend some time with me? Of course, it wasn't exactly like that. It was much more complicated. And the fact that I hadn't seen her in three years changed things. So did the fact that I would probably never see her again if I fucked up.

Suddenly, she grinned widely and nodded. "Of course! I mean… I have to get back, but I guess a few more hours wouldn't hurt."

A few more hours. Now we're talking! I returned her smile and stepped out of the car. We walked back into the house as stealthily as the first time, but I got spotted by my sister who was spying on us from the dining room. She'd been waiting for me, that pig-headed mule, just to prove that she'd been right! Well, she'd been right. Way to go, Sara. She shot me a thumbs up and I couldn't help but smile at her before following Hayley down the stairs.

Once we were back in my room. I shut the door and leaned against it, sighing in relief. I had succeeded. Sort of. Now I had my second chance. I couldn't mess it up again. I just couldn't.

"I'm actually so glad you're not angry at me," Hayley said sincerely, sitting down on my bed, just like before.

What? "Why would I be angry at you?"

She looked at me like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Because I… ran away! And… we were… making out? Ugh." She looked so miserable in that moment that I felt bad for asking.

I studied the floorboards, trying to find the right thing to say. "It doesn't matter. Let's just put it all behind us, ok? Like nothing happened." I smiled as warmly as I could but she looked away.

"But it did. And I can't ignore it… I just don't know what to do anymore, Josh." I pursed my lips. This wasn't going as well as I'd planned. She was so confused, drowned in guilt. And it was all my fault. Maybe it was better for both of us if I just let her go… No. I wasn't going to think about it again. I had made my decision. I was keeping Hayley with me, one way or another.

"What if you just stay here? With me?" I proposed stupidly.

She snickered. "Oh, of course! I'll just sleep in the bathtub and no one will ever notice me!" Yeah, it did sound pretty pathetic.

I sighed, searching for a different solution. "What if… We keep in touch, and once you're done with all this and we're both free…"

"We live happily ever after together?" she completed sardonically.

"Yes." I was entirely serious. What was wrong with that? It felt like the perfect solution. I could even feel a triumphant smile creep to my lips. God, I was a fucking genius.

"But what about Jack?"

Ugh. Again, that idiot. "Nevermind him! I'm sure he'll be just fine without you."

Hayley looked down painfully, hugging her knees. "But I love him."

Ouch. Fuck. I hadn't thought of that. I was such a fucking idiot. This had just become a hundred times more complicated. Of course she was in love with him. They were fucking perfect together.

"I'm so sorry, Josh," she whispered hoarsely. Oh no, now she would cry again. Because of me. It was always because of me.

And that's when I realised something. It was useless for me to try to decide whether it was better to let her go back to her boyfriend or keep her with me, because it wasn't my choice. This was all up to her. It was her life. It was her decision. I had no say in it.

If she loved Jack, there was nothing in the world I could do to change her mind. Besides, if he made her happy, why would I even try to take him away from her?

But still, I didn't want to lose her. Not completely. I was sick of that. I was fucking tired of always having to say goodbye to her, over and over again.

"It's alright," I said as lightly as I could. "We can still be friends, right?"

"Of course." She smiled a little through the tears that were now rolling down her cheeks. "I will never forget you, Josh Ramsay."


	10. Chapter 10

10

Hayley's POV

My heart was torn apart. It was stretched painfully between my lover and my best friend, to the point where I didn't even know which was which. I almost wished I could have two boyfriends at the same time without feeling like a whore. Oops, excuse my language.

I looked up at Josh who was still leaning against the door, smiling weakly at me. He was trying so hard to be friendly and understanding, and all I could do was deny him. It all felt so wrong.

Sure, I loved Jack. He was not only a great boyfriend but an amazing friend, who'd helped me through a lot of things. But just a few hours ago Josh had revealed to me that he'd been the one to ask Jack to do that, to "take care of me once he was gone." Maybe that didn't really matter, but now I couldn't pull this thought out of my head—the thought that Jack had only been just another gift from Josh.

Josh was so special. He had a sort of pull on me that no one else had, not even Jack. Sure, we'd been pulled apart before, but I had always longed for him, even when I managed to convince myself that I didn't. And suddenly, I felt like I would never be able to walk away from him. Not entirely. Even if I did, he would still be there, in my every thought. And that actually was kind of creepy.

No. I wanted Josh for real, not just as the memory of the perfect man I never had.

But how could I have that without losing everything else?

* * *

Josh's POV

Well, this was awkward. The last thing she'd said to me—"I will never forget you, Josh Ramsay" in a melodramatic voice—had honestly freaked the fuck out of me. It felt so much like a goodbye. Why would she ever have to forget me? It wasn't like we would never see each other again.

Right?

"So, Hayles…" I said to break that horrible silence. "Wanna see something really awesome?" I wasn't exactly sure how awesome it actually was, and I wasn't exactly ready to show it to her—or anyone, for that matter—but it was the only thing I could think of.

"Sure!" She seemed happy to finally have something to do. I knew I was.

I quickly searched my desk for that piece of paper I had left there a few days earlier—dammit, why did I always forget in which drawer I left stuff? Finally, I found what I was looking for and ran to grab my guitar before sitting next to Hayley.

She giggled and said, "You don't have to rush like that, you know. I have time."

"I'm scared you'll vanish," I answered honestly—TOO honestly. She laughed again, but I could tell she knew that I meant it.

"Ok, so…" I took a deep breath and handed her the paper. "It's not much, but it's the beginning of a song me and Matt are writing. I mean, I know you're practically an expert in that stuff…"

"Not at all!" She shook her head, smiling widely. "I had a LOT of help with writing my songs. Jack pretty much did all the work."

For some reason, I had a lot of trouble believing that. "You're just being nice."

Surprisingly enough, she didn't deny it. She just smiled at the paper, reading the words scribbled in my sloppy handwriting—and occasionally Matt's annoyingly perfect one—with careful attention. Too careful.

"So, you wanna hear it?" I asked nervously, pulling her away from her study of my lyrics. For some reason, I almost felt like she was reading something very private, like that was a diary or something. Of course, it was kinda stupid of me to make a song with it if it felt so goddamn intimate. Fucking genius.

"Of course I wanna hear it!" Hayley stared at me expectantly. My fingers started shaking slightly as I placed the guitar on my lap and cleared my throat. I remembered the chords clearly, and the lyrics were carved into my brain forever.

Staring blankly into space, I strummed the guitar once. "I never took you for a trick but sometimes, I don't know what you want. I can take it if you need to take this out on someone." I was so weird to sing it like this, for someone who'd never heard it before. Sure, I'd written songs before and sung them to people, but not personal songs. And not to such special people.

Hayley listened carefully, without moving a finger. I gained confidence with every word, and soon it didn't matter whether it was personal or not. It was just me, her and the music.

"Yeah, you can take it all away and I'll miss. There's a little bit of you in all this, and you can say you only think you know. Please, there's a better bit of me to see yet, cause you haven't seen any of my best. You know I hate myself without you now…" I was actually pretty proud of those lyrics. I guess staying up for endless hours every night did pay off in some way. "Hurts the same when nobody knows, guess that's just how it goes. And I… I won't say anything at all." I wasn't exactly sure what the next chord was, so I winged it. Of course, it ended up sounding really bad. REALLY bad. Way to finish that song like a pro, Ramsay. "Ouch," I mouthed, throwing Hayley an apologetic glance. "Well, that's all we got for now. But I guess the second verse will be pretty much the same, so I guess from now on it's a piece of cake."

Hayley sat up straight with an exaggerated smile, clapping eagerly. "That was amazing! Really, REALLY amazing!"

I smiled half-heartedly. I wasn't sure about that. "Yeah, I guess it's pretty good…"

Suddenly, she grabbed both my shoulders and forced me to look her in the eye. "Josh. That. Was. Incredible. Ok? Stop being so hard on yourself." She waited until I finally nodded and she let go. Then, she looked back at the paper still in her hands and bit her lip. "If you don't mind me asking, what was this about, anyway?"

Uh… "Well…" I searched for the right way to explain it to her.

"If that's ok with you!" Hayley added in front of my hesitation.

"No, it's fine! I just… I'm not sure how to put it." I chuckled dumbly. Wow, I must've looked so fucking stupid. "Basically, it's about everyone around me thinking they know everything about me without even knowing my fucking last name. And judging me and always… blaming me for everything." Yeah, that seemed accurate. "Like my mom." Ok, that was going too far. "I mean, she knows my last name, but…" Alright, it was time to shut up.

Hayley nodded, somehow understanding something from my terrible description. "I like how it isn't TOO obvious," she declared then. "You're good with words." She smiled sweetly and I could feel myself redden.

"Yeah, uh, I wanted it to be… broad, in some way. I wanted everyone to be able to relate to it, not just ME. It's pretty metaphorical… If you know what I mean."

Hayley nodded again. "I try to do that too." She smiled at the ground thoughtfully.

Silence.

And then her eyes slid from the floor to my desk to my end table, until they suddenly locked on something. She squinted for a second, and then her face lit up in amazement. I glanced from her to the end table in confusion, trying to figure out what she was looking at.

"What IS that?" she asked, getting up slowly to pick up the mysterious object.

Oh. That. It was the porcelain figure of a swan, but not just any swan. An origami swan. Don't ask. "It's uh, a paper swan. Except it's not paper."

"Wow, this is so beautiful!" She picked it up carefully to study it closely. Er, ok. Whatever.

"If you say so… It was a gift from my aunt for my birthday. She's kind of weird. Thinks I'm into birds and stuff."

Hayley chuckled. "Well, I wish MY aunt had given me this."

"You can have it if you like," I said quickly, glad I had finally found a good use for that creepy object.

Hayley looked at me with such marvel in her eyes that I wondered if that swan wasn't actually some lost treasure from Atlantis worth millions of dollars or something of the sort. "Thank you SO much, Joshie, you're the best!" I rolled my eyes. Why did people enjoy calling me "Joshie" so much? Oh right, because it pissed me off. "Hey, want me to show you something too?" she asked happily, putting the little white figure back on the end table. I smiled and nodded and she quickly grabbed a random piece of paper or my desk. "Can I use this?" I nodded again, curious as to what she was gonna do.

And then she started folding the paper with the utmost precision, transforming it into a beautiful swan just like the porcelain one in a matter of seconds. I watched in bewilderment as she placed the tiny figure on top of her palm and presented it to me proudly.

"Teach… me… master," I said breathlessly, stretching out my hands towards the swan and making them shake dramatically.

Hayley giggled and handed me another paper—yeah, I had a lot of fucking paper on my desk from the time I used to go to that thing called "school"—before grabbing another one for herself and saying, "Alright, but it's not easy!"

I shrugged smugly and took the paper from her hand with an air of defiance. "I think I can do it…"

I couldn't do it. I didn't know why, but my paper was such a bitch compared to hers. It kept sliding from my hands and folding at the wrong places, so after ten minutes of wrestling with it, all I managed to make was a shapeless mass of ruined paper. "Look, I made a golf ball!" I shouted happily, holding it up like a trophy.

Hayley laughed and grabbed it from my hands, examining it with a look of disapproval. "You weren't listening to me, were you?"

"I was!" I said defensively. She ignored me and handed me the second perfect swan she had folded before starting to unfold mine.

"No, this is wrong…" she muttered, folding it back differently. And then, miraculously enough, the shapeless ball turned into a pretty little bird. I stared with wide eyes as she gave it back to me proudly. Wow.

It wasn't as beautiful as hers, but compared to what it had looked like thirty seconds earlier, it was unreal. "How did you…" I trailed off, discouraged. What was the point of asking? Hayley crossed her arms with a superior smile. I looked back at my swan. "I shall name it Francis!" I declared grandly. But suddenly I felt like something was missing. I got up from the bed slowly, picked up a pen and drew a small dot on each side of the tiny figure's head. "There, now you can SEE, little one! Go! Explore the world!" I swiftly threw Francis towards the small widow like a paper plane, and for a second it actually looked like he would spread his wings and take flight… Unfortunately, the window was closed, and Francis ran straight into it before bouncing back and falling on the floor. Aw.

Hayley gasped dramatically. "Francis! Nooo!" She rushed to Francis' side, picking him up with an exaggerated sad face.

"It's too late…" I whispered, shaking my head. "He's gone."

Hayley headed back to the bed, but before she could sit on it something happened. One of the perfect swans she had folded earlier had ended up on the floor, and somehow she'd managed to step exactly on it, and slipped. Before I knew it, she was falling.

* * *

Hayley's POV

I swear, my life flashed before my eyes.

All I knew was that one second I was peacefully going to take a seat on that comfty bed, and the next I was falling face up into nothing. I squeaked and braced for impact, but the pain never came. Instead, I was caught by two strong and careful arms. Phew. I had been inches away from death.

Once he was sure I was ok, Josh started to let go of me, but stopped midway. Instead, he hugged me from behind and rested his head on my shoulder. "Be careful," he breathed, and I could almost hear his taunting smile. And suddenly, he was kissing me, and I turned in his arms to kiss him back. I felt my heart beat faster and faster and the butterflies dance in my stomach like they always did.

Of course, they was always that guilt at the back of my mind, but unlike before, it seemed to dim with every second instead of escalating towards unbearableness. The more we made out, the less I seemed to care about anything else, including my, er, boyfriend.

Because after all, no matter who I was dating, he would never replace my one true love. Boyfriends came and went; he had come and had never left—not in my heart anyways.

"It's you, Josh… It's always been you," I whispered between two long kisses. Everything escalated quickly from there. Once he knew I was ok with it, he didn't hesitate. And I didn't hold back.

Soon, my shirt was off, and his shirt was off, and the light was off—except for the lamp—and my head was spinning while my heart was going crazy. Somehow I ended up on the bed again, with him on top of me, but that changed quickly.

Once I was sitting on him, a few seconds later, I pulled away for just a second to stare at him—hell, he was so perfect—and before I could lean back in, something caught my eye. Dozens of thin little lines covered his stomach, just a teensie bit whiter than his already pale skin, barely visible. Maybe I had seen them only because I already knew they would be there. I gulped and Josh quickly pulled me back close to him. "Don't mind them. That ended a long time ago, you know that. They'll be gone soon."

He smiled a little and I forgot everything but the color of his eyes. And then, he placed another soft kiss on my lips and click, we were off again.

That night was the most beautiful night of my life. That night, I stopped being a girl and became a true woman.

If Francis could talk, he would have a lot to say about that night.


	11. Chapter 11

11

Josh's POV

When I opened my eyes, all I saw was darkness. That wasn't unusual, since I often woke up in the middle of the night for no reason. But there was still something odd about the situation. For instance, it was extremely hot, and my right arm was pinned down by…

Oh.

Ohhh… Everything started making sense as the evening—with all its, uh, happenings—came back to me and I got used to the idea that I wasn't alone. Just that thought comforted me so much that I felt like I could fall back asleep right then and there, but just as I was starting to slip into unconsciousness, Hayley let out a heavy sigh and started to roll over. Wow, wicked timing.

"Hayles?" I muttered, wincing at the sound of my crappy sleepy voice. She opened her eyes with a start. Oops, had I woken her up? "You're squashing my arm," I continued. For some reason, that made me laugh.

Hayley didn't seem to think it was funny though. In fact, she was so confused that she looked up at me, and you know what she said?

"Jack?"

Jack. JACK.

With that one little word, the huge weight of the painful reality came crushing me yet again. Ow, ow, OW.

She wasn't mine. And she never would be. Fuck.

I suddenly felt like a complete intruder. What the hell was I doing here with her? I pulled my arm from under her clumsily, moving away the farthest I could without falling off the bed—which meant not too far. She finally seemed to come back to reality then, staring at me with wide eyes. "Josh…"

Yep. It's Josh, that stupid freak ruining your life. Not your dear boyfriend.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry…"

Why? Why are you always sorry, goddammit!? I felt the disgust boil up inside me and turn to anger. Anger and sickness and misery. All I wanted to do was scream—at her, at everything. But I kept my mouth shut, held back by some kind of force. Maybe it was love. Or the need to stay in control of myself because if I knew that if I let go I wouldn't be able to stop. Or maybe I was just really tired.

Hayley sighed deeply. "What time is it?" I pointed the alarm clock next to me head, trying as hard as I could to keep a neutral expression, even though she probably couldn't even make it out in the dark. "OH MY IT'S 2 AM ALREADY!?" she yelled.

I covered her mouth with my hand urgently. "Shhhh! You wanna wake up the whole neighbourhood? And yes, of course it 2 AM, we were sleeping!" I felt a knot form up in my stomach as I thought of how we'd fallen asleep, of what we'd done BEFORE falling asleep… My breath came in shallow gasps and my palms got sweaty. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath in a hopeless attempt to calm down.

Hayley stared at me for a second before jumping out of the bed. She probably hadn't noticed my nervousness, but then again she might've guessed it pretty easily. When I looked at her, she was hastily throwing her clothes back on with brisk but clumsy motions, as if she was panicking.

"What are you doing?" I asked without moving.

"Getting dressed!" she snapped.

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, I noticed that. But why are you getting dressed now?" I felt a twinge of guilt as I realised that she probably hated me for what I had done to her. Forcing her to cheat on her boyfriend like that, and to that extent, when she actually LOVED her boyfriend… I was a fucking monster. Of course she wanted to escape from me.

"Because…" She hesitated as if she was scared her answer would hurt me. Had I been right then? Did she really hate me? "Because my bus was supposed to leave two hours ago."

Well, that was definitely not what I expected to hear. "But I thought you said your bus left this morning."

She smiled apologetically and shrugged. "I lied."

"You… what?" She had lied about the time her bus left? "But why?"

"Because I was scared that if I told you the truth you would want me to leave since it was the RIGHT thing to do," she answered. "But I wanted to stay with you as long as I could…"

I looked away uncomfortably. "And… now you regret it."

"Of course not!"

Ugh, I hated these pointless lies people loved to throw at me. "Of course you do! I made you cheat on the guy you love, I made you do things with me because I'm a selfish moron and I want you all to myself!" I made sure to put as much venom as I could into my words. Maybe this time they would reach her. "And now I made you forget your bus," I continued, "just like you forgot your fucking LIFE. I made you ruin that life you worked so hard for. How could you not regret it?"

She didn't budge at first. Then, she crossed her arms and shot me a harsh look. "You listen to me, Joshua. You didn't MAKE me do anything, because if you had even tried I swear you would have lost the ability to make babies very quickly. Everything happening in my life right now is in my control and if I mess up, it's my fault, not yours. So just stop acting like you're the most horrible person ever to have walked this planet and get dressed! I need a ride."

* * *

Hayley's POV

Josh hadn't said anything since we'd left the house. He looked thoroughly confused and distracted from everything, as if a great internal battle was using up all his concentration. He even seemed a bit distracted from the road as we drove towards the stadium—this time, in the right direction.

When he drove right past a stop sign without even seeming to notice, I turned to him sharply. "Hey! Are you asleep or what?" In front of his lack of response, I snapped my fingers in front of his face as loud as I could.

He jumped and hit the brakes with such violence that we both almost knocked our foreheads against the dashboard. He then stared at me in confusion for a second before sighing deeply and passing his hand through his adorable messy hair. "Sorry," he muttered. "I'm just trying to make sense of… everything."

All my anger evaporated at the sight of poor, vulnerable little Josh trying so hard to be strong. I knew how he felt—to some extent. I was just as confused.

I knew I wanted him forever. I needed him. Maybe I had survived through three years without him, but that wasn't gonna continue to happen, especially after all that had happened the previous day.

But then there was the rest of my life. My band, my education, my over-protective mother. My boyfriend. Where could Josh possibly fit in? What could I do to keep him there?

I knew he felt so bad about… whatever he felt bad about. Maybe it was just that he thought he was the cause of my dilemma—which wasn't the case. He wasn't a problem, he was the best thing that had ever happened to me. Everything else was a problem. I just didn't know how to make him understand that.

Why did he always blame himself for everything?

"It's not your fault, Josh." I had felt the need to say it out loud.

His face twisted with confusion and something like despair. Without a word, he looked back at the road and focused entirely on his driving—or so he made it seem.

Soon, we had reached the Thunderbird stadium. A huge weight seemed to lift off my chest as I saw the headlights of my bus shining brightly a couple hundred yards away. I suddenly felt a little stupid for thinking they would actually leave without me.

"Well, this is it," Josh declared in a strangled whisper, avoiding my gaze. "I'll see you soon, ok?" Just by the way he said it, I knew he didn't believe it.

I unbuckled my seatbelt and reached out my hands to gently place them on each side of his face, forcing him to look at me. "I promise I'll come back as soon as I can," I said as seriously as I could. "I love you. For real." Then, I laid one last soft kiss on his lips and pulled away reluctantly.

As I was stepping out of the car, he gripped my wrist and pulled me back in abruptly. "Hayles?" I looked at him expectantly and he continued. "I have something for you. It's really stupid but…" He reached into his back pocket and took out a piece of wrinkled paper that he carefully smoothed out to reveal a small three-dimensional figure. "Here."

I felt the too familiar tears welling up in my eyes as I picked up the little white swan from his cupped hands. "Thank you." A rasp laugh escaped my lips as I realised something. "I forgot the porcelain swan in your room…"

"I know. That's why I'm letting you keep Francis." He smiled sadly and I returned it, even though my vision was getting blurrier by the second.

He continued to look at me even as I stepped out of the car again and started to walk away towards my bus. I forbade myself from looking behind me until I reached it. And then, right before opening the door, I looked back.

Two little lights still sparkled in the distance.


	12. Chapter 12

12

Josh's POV

I watched her walk away until she became a tiny figure and disappeared into the blinding light of the bus's headlights. Even then, I continued to watch her. She hadn't looked behind her, not once, and I was glad she hadn't. I didn't want to see the pain in her eyes, the pain I had caused her.

I drove back home slowly. I didn't care that all the other cars passed me; I had too much on my mind and I was too exhausted to drive fast. Better safe than sorry.

Thankfully, once I reached the tranquil roads of my neighbourhood, all the traffic vanished—which was rather normal at three in the morning. I was free to drive as slowly as I wanted without anyone honking at me.

Why did it have to be so hard? Why was I always forced to say goodbye to her, over and over again? Why did she keep coming BACK? Normal people didn't have to live with such horribly complicated relationships, right? So why ME?

"What do you want from me?" I asked out loud though I was alone. I wasn't exactly sure who I was talking to—God, or fate, or myself—but I had never needed an answer so drastically before. "What have I done?! Why do you hate me so fucking much?!" I felt the rage fill me up like lava in a volcano, ready to explode. I just needed to blame someone, anyone, for all the shit going on in my stupid life. And of course, the guilt always bounced back to me.

I could only recall one time when I had felt this lost, and that day I had almost died—I had WANTED to die; surviving had been just another failure. But this time I didn't want to kill myself. I didn't even know what I wanted anymore. The only thing I truly needed was the one thing I couldn't have, no matter how hard I fought for it.

I realised then how terrified I was that she might not care. What if I didn't really mean anything to her? What if she was happy with Jack and she loved her life and she didn't need me like I needed her? What if…

Suddenly, a loud noise pulled me out of my thoughts—another one of those annoying honks. My eyes focused again and I saw two painfully bright lights closing in on me. It didn't take me long to understand what was going on. Shit.

I almost felt like it was happening in slow motion—the lights blinding me as they grew, the noise perpetuating indefinitely… I hit the brakes in a wave of panic, but it was too late.

I barely felt the impact. It was as if all the adrenaline flowing through my veins made me immune to anything but panic—even that everlasting pain at the back of my mind seemed to dim in that second. I clearly saw the hood of the other car begin to crumple as the headlight on that side shattered to pieces. And then my eyes squeezed shut on their own while an invisible force pulled me forward violently.

It would be impossible to describe what went through my head at that moment. Every feeling in the world crossed me, but at the same time, I felt blank. And through all that, it didn't even occur to me that I was about to die.

I was millimetres away from flying through the windshield when another mysterious force suddenly put an end to the first one, pulling me back against the seat and knocking every bit of air out of my lungs. My head hit the top of the seat with just as much strength—it felt like falling on a brick—and that's when I finally opened my eyes in horror and understanding.

Whoa.

"Fuck."

Thank god I was smart enough to put my seatbelt on or I probably wouldn't have been alive enough to say that ever again. Or do anything else for that matter.

I saw the driver of the other car—a man in his forties—step out of his ruined vehicle angrily, wiping some inexistent dust off his clothes. I looked around, trying to figure out what had happened. We were in the middle of a three-way junction, and I had been about to turn left—unconsciously, of course—when he'd suddenly appeared out of nowhere right in front of me, without stopping…

Obviously, since I was the one with the stop sign—which I had unwillingly ignored. Oops. Well, now he would probably sue me or something. And my mom would kill me. Slowly.

I stepped out of my own car—ahem, my mother's car—shakily, biting my lip. I felt the man's disapproving glare on me and avoided looking back at him. After all, I was just a reckless teenager with no licence. And it WAS three in the morning.

I studied the damage with something like relief as I realised it wasn't as bad as I'd thought. Sure, both cars now looked like pugs—because they were all flattened… haha… get it?—but they could still function. As far as I could tell.

After all, I had been going like twenty kilometres per hour.

"Well, what do you have to say for yourself, young man? Do you realise the importance of this? Do you?"

Eesh, why did it have to be some grumpy old schmuck?

"I—I'm sorry. I'll pay you for the damage if—"

He cut me off with a deep laugh that reminded me of Santa Claus. "That won't be necessary. But I'm gonna have to call your parents…"

"No! You really don't have to do that."

He raised his eyebrows condescendingly. "Oh yes, I do." He then took out his phone from his back pocket and asked, "Now, what's their phone number?"

Ok Josh. You have two options. Give him the number and suffer endless hours of torture, or make a run for it, get caught by cops, spend a night in jail and then suffer endless hours of torture.

I sighed in defeat. "604…" I started, staring angrily at the ground.

* * *

Hayley's POV

As soon as I stepped on the bus, I was greeted by three worried faces, all staring at me while a different expression started forming on each of them. Zac looked very surprised to see me while Jeremy had his usual sympathetic expression. Josh—ugh, just thinking the name made me sick with sadness—took a step forward angrily, pointing me accusingly. "Where the fuck where you!?"

"Hey, cool it," Jeremy ordered. He walked passed Josh and put a comforting arm around my shoulders. "There, there… It's alright." That's when I realised I was still crying. How embarrassing.

I quickly wiped the tears off and stepped away from Jeremy, making my way toward the bunks at the back of the bus.

"What's wrong?" he asked worriedly.

"I don't wanna talk about it!" I snapped louder than I intended. I climbed into my bunk and pulled the curtain abruptly. Then, I unclenched my fists and looked down at the paper swan that I was still holding. It was crumpled, crushed by my fist, distorted by my anger.

I straightened it as well as I could and laid it down on the bed, sitting cross-legged in front of it. We just stared at each other for a few minutes while I pretended it was alive and, even though it couldn't talk, it could understand me. I couldn't help but smile as I noticed all the little imperfections—one wing being shorter than the other, the folds being all crooked or too loose—all the things that reminded me of who had made it. "I'm sorry, Francis," I whispered. "I'm sorry I took you away from daddy."

"Who are you taking to?" I jumped and turned around just as someone pulled the curtain a little to peek inside the bunk.

"Seriously Josh, have you never heard of privacy?"

He sighed and looked down. "I'm sorry. I just wanted to apologize for… before."

Aw… Well, this was my chance to make peace with him once and for all. "It's ok, Josh. I'm not angry at you." And strangely enough, I suddenly felt like he wasn't the only Josh I was addressing in that moment. "You didn't hurt me."

Too bad the other one couldn't hear me.


	13. Chapter 13

13

Hayley's POV

There were two last shows I had to go through before I could go back home. For the first time, I didn't even care. I practiced my vocals just enough so I wouldn't forget any lyrics, and paid no attention to the actual meaning of the songs. There was only one song that came spinning around my head whenever I was alone. It was the song Josh had sung for me that night, one of the most beautiful things I'd ever heard.

It was strange, usually I wasn't able to remember a melody that I had only heard once, but in this case I sometimes caught myself humming it, and some lyrics even came back to me now and then.

Anyway, the last shows passed dully, just another gray splatter on a big gray wall I could call "my life." Maybe I was acting like a spoiled brat. I knew so many people would give anything to be in my place right then, in front of thousands of people, doing what I loved most, but I couldn't bring myself to be happy anymore.

I was just tired, bored, lonely… I missed him so much.

And then our tour dates had passed and we could finally go home again. I was happy to go back to my warm and familiar corner of heaven again, but there was a deep worry weighing on me, and it could be summarized in one word. Jack.

I had to tell him. I HAD to tell him about Josh. I simply couldn't pretend nothing had happened and move on. I couldn't lie to my best friend. And I was so scared about what his reaction would be. I knew he wouldn't take it lightly—if he did, I would probably doubt his love for me. But I hated the thought of hurting the one person who'd been there for me for so long. This was the way I thanked him for all that? By sleeping with someone else?

Ugh, Hayley, you horrible person.

We took the plane home, our bus having been taken by another band who would play the last half of Warped. I hadn't been in many planes in my life, and the experience still scared me a little, but that was nothing compared to the terror I felt at the thought of my next conversation with Jack.

I thought back on the few times we'd talked on the phone during the past days. I hadn't mentioned anything suspicious—I wanted to tell him face to face, when he wouldn't be able to just hang up—but every "I love you" he shot me was like a slap in the face.

I didn't even notice when the plane landed, being so caught up in my anxiety.

"You ok, Hays?" Zac asked, noticing my distracted behavior. He, as well as the rest of my band, often asked me that these days. My constant evasive answers had made the frequency of the questions drop dramatically, but they still threw in a little "You ok?" here and there.

I nodded quickly and focused my attention on checking my bag to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything so I wouldn't have to look at him.

My mother was waiting for me at the airport, a huge smile plastered on her still splendid—even though she was almost forty—face. "How was it!? Tell me everything!" She hugged the breath out of me before I could answer. I had called her almost every day to tell her about the tour, so I didn't see what else I could talk to her about.

Oh. Well, there was one thing.

And before I knew it, I was sobbing. My mom pulled away in worry and confusion before hugging me again and stroking my hair. "What's wrong, darling?" she asked in a voice full of concern.

"I did something so wrong, mommy…" I felt like a helpless little girl again, crying in her mother's arms, confused and scared. "I cheated on Jack."

Bam. I said it. My mother stopped stroking me and pulled away to look my in the eye. "What happened?" Her voice wasn't as harsh as I expected. She looked at me with a mixture of compassion and seriousness.

I looked down in shame. There were too many people around us. I wasn't ready to tell her everything like this. "I'll explain later, k?" My voice was thick with tears but I held them back, smiling to the others and hugging them goodbye for now. That was over quickly, since we all couldn't wait to see our homes again, and then I followed my mom into her car.

That's when I let my thoughts go loose and spill from my lips, and soon she knew everything.

* * *

Josh's POV

My dad's car soon appeared around the corner. I could imagine my mother's angry face behind that dark windshield, and hoped she would be nice enough to not run me over. Just yet.

Thankfully, the car pulled over a safe ten metres away from me and out stepped… my dad? Oh, okay. I knew he wouldn't be that angry with me, seeing that he'd been in a lot of crappy accidents during his teenage years as well—after all, there are some things that all guys have in common.

Still, his first glance at me was shadowed by a deep frown. I put on the sorriest expression I could manage and it wasn't long before the—probably fake—anger in his eyes turned to sympathy.

"I assume you are this young man's father?" asked the old schmuck I had been lucky enough to run into.

"Miles Ramsay," my dad introduced with a jolly smile, holding his hand out for the other to shake.

Of course, the dickhead didn't move a muscle. "Nice to meet you, mister Ramsay," he said bitterly. "Now, let's get over with the legal procedures before I end up late for work." Working at 3 AM, eh? Well, he was either a security guard of the owner of a strip club.

My dad cleared his throat awkwardly and turned to me. "Go home, Josh. Walk," he ordered. He made his voice sound harsh, probably to please the strip club owner, but I could tell that he was on my side. I was pretty sure I couldn't say the same about my mom though.

I walked back home with one goal in mind: to discover the scientific theory that would allow me to turn invisible before I reached the house.

As soon as I opened the door—still visible, unfortunately—I was struck with exactly the sight I expected. My mother's Glare of Death.

"Joshua Keeler Ramsay, where the HELL were you?"

Wow, I should've spent the walk home thinking about what I could tell her instead of scientific bullshit. How smart of me. "I was… just…" I was just giving my rock star ex-girlfriend a late-night ride to her tour bus after sleeping with her even though she has a boyfriend. Oh, and we made origami swans.

"Do you know how WORRIED I was!?" she screeched before I could answer. "First, I hear a mysterious voice coming from your room at two or… or three in the morning, and then I go check on you and YOU'RE NOT THERE!" I gulped. She must've heard Hayley yelling about how late it was—ugh, thank you Hayles, thank you so much. "A—And then I get this phone call…" She seemed about ready to burst into tears. "All the things that went through my head then, oh god…"

Wow, this was much worse than I thought. Of course, I expected her to scold me, but not act so… victim-ish. Now I just felt more guilty—if that was possible. I had hurt my mother, I had hurt Hayley, hell, I had even hurt Jack. Not to mention all the people I had hurt in the past. And all the people I would hurt in the future.

Fuck you, Josh. Just go to hell.

"You were with your FRIENDS, weren't you?" my mom asked in a broken voice. "Doing… whatever it is you do. I always knew you wouldn't stop." She wasn't even able to look me in the eye.

It took me a second before I finally comprehended what she was talking about.

Oh shit. "NO! Of course not!" I shook my head vigorously to reinforce my statement. "I would never go back to that!" Those long nights of walking aimlessly with these so-called 'friends' of mine, smoking heroin and talking about what stupid things we could do next. It was hard to admit, but those were some of the happiest times of my life—well, the rest of my life was crap then, so obviously those nights were heaven in contrast. Come to think of it… my life was STILL crap.

But I wasn't lying when I said I would never, ever go back to that. It wasn't that I didn't want to, but I was NOT going back to rehab. Nah-hah, forget it.

My mother didn't seem convinced though. She stared at the floor, seeming to deliberate on whether she should believe me or not.

And suddenly, before I even knew it, I was spilling the whole truth. About meeting Hayley again at Warped, about inviting her over, even about our make-out session and how she'd left and I'd ran back after her… I admitted I had slept with her—only starting to feel embarrassed after it was out of my mouth—and I explained how I had gotten myself into that stupid car accident to finish.

I felt exhausted by the time I was done. I noticed Sara had magically appeared behind my mom, probably to listen to my story with an annoying interest. I shot her a venomous glare and she smiled in return. I was not in the mood to smile back.

Even though I sucked at explaining stuff, my mother nodded slowly. She didn't say anything at first. At least she looked like she believed me. Phew. Finally, she looked at me and whispered, "I remember Hayley. She was a sweet girl." Oh, right. Hayley and my mother used to be pretty close during the short months we'd lived in America. A little too close, I would say, considering that they were always talking about me. "But she's gone, Josh." Her voice was hard again, lacking emotion. "It's too late, you have to understand that." Wow. That was not what I expected to hear. "I don't want you to go looking for her, do you understand me? I don't want you to ever see each other again, not while I'm here! And I don't ever want you to touch that car EVER again."

I was petrified. Who the hell was she to tell me whether I should or should not see Hayley!? Oh yeah. My mother. My own mother ordering me to stay away from the only good thing in my life. She didn't even try to understand. She didn't care. Fuck, who did?

Wasn't it enough that Hayley didn't need me? That fate seemed determined to keep her away from me? That she loved someone else? Now, even my mother didn't want me to see her.

Wow, I was the luckiest person in the world.

This was so unfair. THIS WAS SO UNFAIR. All my thoughts melted together into that dreadful conclusion. I couldn't think straight anymore. I couldn't process anything. That horrible woman standing in from of me talked again, but I had no idea what she was saying. I needed to get away. Now.

I shoved my way past her without caring about her reaction. I headed to my room as fast as I could, knowing it would be my only place of safety. Well, as close to safety as I could get.


	14. Chapter 14

14

Josh's POV

My parents had removed the lock from my door after all the 'incidents' I had gotten myself into, so I pushed the dresser in front of it to keep anyone from entering my room. Just the effort made some of my anger evaporate, enough to allow me to think again.

But my thoughts were terrifying. The same redundant cries nobody seemed to hear. You're pathetic, Josh. You're stupid. You're worthless. You're a waste of everyone's time. All you ever did amounted to nothing good, and usually you just end up ruining everybody's lives. It was just painful. And nobody cared.

Nobody cared.

As if on cue, a strange tingle started forming at the bottom of my stomach. Oh no. Not this. Not now. The tingle turned to a painful scratching as it climbed to my head, making it throb madly. Then, it descended back into my stomach, sending cold shivers down my spine and making me feel nauseous. I sat on the floor shakily and placed my head between my knees, waiting for it to stop. It would go away soon. It always did.

But this time, it didn't. Why was it taking so long? My head was about to explode and I just wanted to throw up—but since I couldn't move and I wasn't about to do that right there on the floor, I just held it back. This was worse than usual. It was so much stronger. Was that because of my stupid feelings? Because I was so much more upset now than I usually was?

"It's all in your head. It's all in your head." I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to ignore the word floating through my head, the only solution, the only thing I could hold on to. H—

It would solve everything. The physical nightmare I was going through in that moment as well as the psychological one that seemed to hang upon me forever. It was so easy…

But no. I didn't want to go back to that. Even though… was it really much worse than what I was going through right now? I didn't really have much to lose.

I tried hard to ignore the memory that started creeping its way back to me then. I really did. But I did remember it, and in that moment I felt almost happy about it. A long time ago, I had hidden something under a floorboard, like in the movies. It was like a first aid kit, with just enough things for one hit.

One. Little. Emergency. Hit.

I had actually forgotten about it over time—probably since I had been high as fuck when I'd come up with that dumb 'first aid hit' idea. But now, for some reason, it had come back to me. Like it WANTED me to fall for it. Well maybe I would. Fuck it.

I crawled to the corner of my room where the loose floorboard was and dug my nails into the cracks, tugging at it to pull it out. It didn't help that my hand felt like a damp paper towel and that I could barely open my eyes without having the whole world spin around me.

The stubborn piece of wood finally gave up and I managed to grip it between my weak, shaky fingers and throw it aside. And there it was. Like an old hidden treasure.

It surprised me that my mom hadn't found this during her thorough search of my room after she'd found out about my addiction. I guess she hadn't watched enough spy movies.

I took a deep breath to try and calm down—this was a delicate operation—and picked up the four dusty objects that I placed on the floor in front of me. Damn, I had done this so many times. I felt a twinge of nostalgia just looking at them.

I opened the little plastic bag and tried to carefully pour the brown powder onto the tiny square of tinfoil, but my hands were shaking so hard I spilled most of it on the floor. Oh well. I wouldn't need it again. I placed the plastic tube between my lips, biting on it hard so I wouldn't drop it, and picked up the lighter. It took five or six tries before I managed to light a flame. I held it under the foil and watched the brown powder slowly start to turn to smoke as it heated up. Soon, the smoke was thick, rising to the ceiling in an almost straight line.

All I had to do was breathe in.

Shit. Here goes nothing.

* * *

Hayley's POV

My mom drove us home while I told her everything about my encounter with Josh, doing my best to control my stupid sobs. She sighed heavily once in a while, but she didn't say anything. By the time I was done, we were almost home.

She waited until the car was parked and the engine was off before looking at me. Then, she took my hand and squeezed it gently. "You know you're going to have to tell Jack, right?" I nodded curtly. "Well… you should probably know that he's waiting for you in the house." As soon as she said it, I started panicking. My heart rate went up through the roof in a second while my palms got sweaty and my breathing got shallow.

Jack was in the house. Waiting for me. I would have to face him in less. Than. A. Minute.

"Calm down, now! It's gonna be okay!" my mother urged, grabbing my face between her hands and looking straight at me. "You listen to me, now. What you did was wrong, but if Josh means more to you than the guy you call your boyfriend…" She sighed and leaned back in her chair, letting go of me. "… then there's a good chance he's the right one. For now. Now, I know I didn't pick the right one, and that was because I was too scared to ruin what I already had with your father. I rushed it. Unfortunately, it never got better. You know what happened." She paused and set her gaze on me again. "I don't want you making the same mistake."

My parents had divorced when I was little, for a reason I couldn't imagine. I loved my dad—he was sweet, smart, hard-working. But my mother didn't. Maybe… maybe she was still looking for her Josh, but had never found him. Maybe she hadn't looked long enough.

Had I looked long enough? I was smart enough to know that most teenage relationships were ephemeral, but what if I was an exception? After all, what more could I possibly want than Josh? And if I still wanted him after three years of zero contact between us… Maybe he really WAS the right one.

What had my mom meant by "I don't want you making the same mistake"? What mistake? Going for the first choice? Not following your heart?

I shook my head in confusion. "I don't wanna lose Jack. What if he's the right one? What if the right one is someone I haven't even met yet?"

My mother pondered that for a second, and then she said, "The right one is the one you can't live without. Only time will tell you which one that is."

But somehow, I already knew. Time had already told me. A strange peace filled me as I realised that for what seemed like the hundredth time. Of course it was Josh. I had always been him.

"Now, go!" my mom said, motioning me to leave with her hands. "I'll go get your bag." She smiled encouragingly. "You can do it. Just give him a chance."

"Thanks, mom." I smiled back at her and stepped out of the car, ready to face my best friend. I walked up to the front door and found it unlocked. As soon as I walked it, I was greeted by Jack's huge, heartwarming smile. He looked so adorable with his weird half-brown, half-blonde hair and his red "Wholesome Cheerios" t-shirt. He looked happier than ever to see me again.

Suddenly, I didn't feel so confident about breaking his heart anymore.


	15. Chapter 15

15

Josh's POV

I stared at the heroin while it burned, the smoke vanishing into the air. I was holding my breath.

Come on Josh, just inhale!

I wanted to, but I couldn't. Even though it seemed like the only right thing to do, it felt wrong. But I wasn't about to give up at the last second. I wasn't turning back. I had nothing to lose, right?

I focused on the task at hand, bringing the tube stuck in my mouth above the burning powder and taking one deep breath.

And then the strangest thing happened. It was like an electric shock, but less painful and more overwhelming. The feeling was so excruciatingly familiar but at the same time, it felt so new and foreign. Different. And not in the least way pleasant.

A tingling numbness filled my body then, and the lighter fell from between my trembling fingers. My first reflex was to catch it, but it dropped flame-down into my palm and I pulled away, gasping in pain. I let go of the tinfoil and it fell next to the lighter, crumpling as it started burning while the powder scattered all over the floor.

"Shit!" was all I could say or think. My palm was insanely painful and I still felt dizzy as fuck. Whatever amount of heroin I had inhaled really hadn't done anything but make things worse.

Discouraged, I barely managed to turn off the lighter before shoving it in my pocket. I gathered as much of the brown powder as I could into my hand—the one that wasn't burned—and threw it along with everything else I had found in the trash can—probably not the smartest thing to do, but that wasn't really a big concern right then.

Still shaky, I leaned again the cold wooden side of the bed and tried to think about something else. But what else was there? I looked up in despair, ready to burst into tears, but my eyes were dry and that stupid ceiling light stung them, making my head pound even harder. I made one last effort to get up and turn it off before literally falling down next to my bed again, the hard floor seeming more welcoming than that stupid fluffy mattress.

I let my eyelids close even though I knew I wouldn't sleep. All I wanted was to float into unconsciousness and never come back. Maybe if I lay there long enough without moving, I wouldn't have to ever get up again…

Why would I anyway? My life was a pointless series of events that led to nothing. All that throwing up and all that cutting and all those stupid drugs. For what? A little bit of relief once in a while? A few moments away from the pain? It just wasn't worth it.

And Hayley. Was she worth it? Why had we even met? Why had all of this even happened if all it led to was just more pain? Was there some divine force out there who enjoyed fucking me up?

Oh, what could I do to ruin Josh's life today? How 'bout I give him a sweet, perfect girl, just long enough for him to fall madly in love with her, and then take her away! Oh, and then I could make them meet again and again without ever being able to be together, just so Josh can feel the pain over and over again…

Wasn't it funny?

And you know what the punch line was? There was nothing I could do about it. I was completely helpless. No matter what, I would never be able to let her go like I let go of my other addictions. There was no rehabilitation center for lonely people with broken hearts.

My only hope was to stick with the drug. Hayley was the only one who could put me back together again. She was the only one who could fix me.

A dim melody starting forming at the back of my mind as I lost track of reality, random words filling the blank spots until they turned to phrases. Normally I would write them down, but this time I was too exhausted, too lifeless to move. There was only one sentence that came back several times as I unconsciously insisted upon it, and it was addressed, like most of them, to Hayley.

How will you fix me now?

* * *

Hayley's POV

"Hey, Hays!" His greeting was enough to make me giggle and forget about my worry for a split-second. "How's it going?" And then I remembered. It's uh… not going so well, Jack. He ignored my silence and reached out for something lying on the couch behind him. "Check this out!" He held it up proudly for me to see.

It was a dark purple hoodie with the word 'Paramore' carefully written on the back in bright yellow. I had never seen anything like it before. It was… beautiful.

"Wow! Where'd you get that?" I asked suspiciously.

"I made it," he answered, a smile of satisfaction stretching across his face. "This better earn me the status of 'biggest fan'!"

I gawked like an idiot for a few seconds before repeating my "Wow!" and taking a closer look at the perfect letters he had drawn. Man, it was flawless. I felt a painful knot form in my stomach as I realised yet again how much he cared about me, and what I was about to do to him in return.

"Do you like it?" he asked expectantly.

"Of course! It's amazing!" I tried to keep the shame out of my eyes—for now—but I had a feeling I failed. Oh well, he probably interpreted it as bewilderment in front of his masterpiece.

"Good," he said, "'cause it IS for you…"

I clasped my hands over my mouth, feeling my eyes fill with tears. Why was he being so nice? This was horrible.

"Are you alright?" Jack took a step towards me and wrapped a hesitant arm around my shoulders, the other one still holding the hoodie. "Come on, it's just a sweater! It's not like I asked you to marry me." He chuckled nervously as I shook my head in denial.

"That's not it. It's just that… There's something I have to tell you." He pulled away to look at my face, gently gripping my arms right under the shoulders.

"What is it?" He was serious now, concern having replaced the excitement in his expression.

Oh, god. Oh, GOD. "I did something terrible…" I gulped and, in an almost inaudible whisper, I added, "I cheated on you."

I just wanted to slap myself right then and there, over and over again. It sounded so much worse actually coming out of my mouth than it had in my head. For an unbearable second, the room fell silent. And then, Jack slowly let go of my arms and stared at me in shock and incomprehension.

I felt the sudden need to explain everything. As if it would make things better. "We were in Vancouver," I choked out, "a—and Josh was there, JOSH." I insisted on it like it was an excuse. "And he took me to his house, a—and…" Silence. "And we… made out." I chickened out. I couldn't tell him the whole story. It wouldn't help him to know that I'd done with someone else something I had never been able to do with him. "I'm so sorry."

I felt pathetic. If I couldn't forgive myself, how could he?

Jack stood there, petrified. The only thing that had moved since the beginning of my explanation was his face. I only glanced at it for a second, unable to bear the grief in his expression for longer.

The silence was choking me. I had to do something before it weighed me down and drowned me. "Just say something," I pleaded silently.

But he didn't. Instead, he tossed the purple hoodie on the floor, right in front of my feet, and walked past me and out of the house without a single word.


	16. Chapter 16

16

Hayley's POV

I couldn't have been lonelier. Despite my mom's attempts at making me feel better—god, she was so understanding—I couldn't stop crying for hours. Hugging the purple hoodie but not daring to put it on, I watched Francis slowly crumple down as my tears soaked him. I kept wiping my eyes with him, partly because I couldn't find any tissues and partly because it made him look sad too.

I had seen this coming. But I hadn't done anything to stop it. And now, I had lost the two people who meant the most to me in less than a week.

"Why!?" In a wave of anger, I ripped one of the swan's wings off and crushed it into my palm. There, you worthless piece of paper.

I was about to start bawling again when I noticed something scribbled on the inside of Francis' neck, between his right wing and where the left one had been. I hadn't noticed it before, but now it was uncovered. I took a closer look and managed to make out a number through the messy black lines. A phone number.

Of course. I couldn't help smiling at his clumsy ingenuity. We could've just exchanged phone numbers normally, but no, he must've felt too guilty after what had happened—just like I did—to do that. So instead of giving up, he'd quickly written his number on the one last thing he could give me. He'd left it up to fate to decide whether I found it or not.

I picked up the phone, bubbling with excitement, and dialed his number. But before I could hear the first ring, I realised I had no idea what I would tell him. I couldn't talk to him now. I ended the call abruptly while my short moment of happiness left as quickly as it had come.

This was stupid. We had nothing to talk about. He was probably blaming himself for everything when actually he'd done nothing wrong, and there was nothing I could say to make him change his mind. He probably never wanted to talk to me again in fear of making things worse. Then again, if I had his number, it was because a part of him DID want me to call.

But I wouldn't, not yet. I needed a good excuse. I needed a speech.

And I was just too tired for any of that. All I truly needed was his presence. I just wanted him by my side. We didn't have to talk about anything. Just sit on the same bed in the same room, breathing the same air, hearing the same sounds, thinking the same thoughts.

Who knew how long it would take until we would be able to do that again? Maybe it would never happen. Maybe I would never have him. Maybe my mother was wrong and he wasn't the right one, and I would meet someone else later who would be better and who I wouldn't hurt over and with who I would live happily ever after forever and…

That's when the sobs finally came back again, and my mind emptied out.

* * *

Josh's POV

"Josh? Josh!?" An annoying hand kept shaking my shoulder, pulling me out of that beautiful state of peaceful sleep. Sheesh, for once I had actually managed to get there and I couldn't even enjoy it.

I forced my eyes to open, ready to tell whoever was there to fuck off, but I stopped when I saw my mother's worried face so close to mine, studying me. She pulled away with a sigh of relief when she realised I was awake.

Strange. What was her fucking problem?

And then I started to notice things. The hard floor beneath me. The sharp pain in my right palm. The strong smell of heroin still floating through the air. The expression of pure grief on my mother's face. A light bulb finally lit up above my head.

Oh shit.

I pushed myself up to a sitting position, noticing too late the sharp pain of numbness in my left hand—the one I'd slept on. I ignored the black spots filling my vision and took a deep breath, ready to explain everything.

Before I could say a word though, my mom put on her poker face and asked, "Why were you sleeping on the floor? And why was there a DRESSER blocking your door!?" There goes the poker face. "Can you even imagine what it was l—like to not even be able to open the d—door!?" She was crying now. I couldn't stand to look at her. "And to find you on the floor l—like that…? And this terrible smell! It reminded me of when…" She didn't finish the sentence.

Instead, she stared at the ground unseeingly, remembering that night engraved in both our memories. The night I had almost died after slitting my wrist open carelessly. I had thought many times of what it could have done to her, but I would never truly know.

She looked up suddenly, biting her trembling lip while the tears still streamed down her face uncontrollably. "Don't you realise the danger of this!? You could've overdosed!" Her face turned angry then, but it didn't last long. Instead, she kept on crying while my heart was slowly being ground to pieces.

Ah, overdosing. The one thing I could be proud of never having done. And it wasn't going to happen. Ever. "It—it was nothing!" I finally stammered. "I didn't smoke it, I threw it away! I promise!" My mom pursed her lips in thought. I knew she had trouble believing me after all the lies I'd shoved down her throat. "I promise," I repeated almost soundlessly, knowing it was useless.

Surprisingly enough, she nodded slowly as if she had decided to accept that as the truth this time. I don't know what could've possibly convinced her, but I was so relieved I even managed to smile a little. For once, I had told the truth. And for once, she accepted it.

Gently, she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me close. I laid my head on her chest and let my own tears flow freely while she stroked my hair, rocking me back and forth. I felt like a helpless child again, crying in his mother's arms. Maybe that was all I was after all. A helpless, confused child.

"I'm sorry," I muttered. She most likely couldn't hear me, but that didn't matter. It just had to come out. "I'm so sorry."

I was the worst child in the universe.


	17. Chapter 17

17

Josh's POV

Time was flying by. I spent most of it working on the song that had come to my mind the night Hayley had left and helping my mom out with whatever I could—all the pain I'd caused her had finally caught up to me in the form of unbearable guilt, and I did all I could to make things a little better, even though it wasn't much.

But seriously, I had never realised how much cleaning this fucking house needed before.

I hadn't talked to Matt in days, the last time being at Warped Tour when he'd broken his hand trying to follow me—clap, clap—but I didn't feel ready to tell him yet. What would he think of me if he found out I'd slept with Hayley? He'd probably laugh at me. Or tell me I'm irresponsible and give me a longer speech than my mom had. Well, my mom's speech hadn't really been that long…

Anyway, I ignored his incessant calls and desperate texts for as long as I could without exploding with guilt, until one glorious day I finally gathered the guts to call him back. I was sick of being alone all the time and I really needed to see him again.

"Oh look, the chick magnet finally calls," he said as soon as he picked up.

Wow, that made me feel even shittier. "Sorry, man. I was just… busy." He had to be retarded to buy that. "Anyway, I need to talk to you."

He probably noticed the way I said 'need' instead of 'want', because he immediately proposed to come over and I accepted gladly.

"Oh, by the way," he added before hanging up, "my finger's still broken, so I can't play anymore. Just thought you should know." Aw. That sucked. He hung up before I could say it out loud, but he didn't need me to say it to know I was thinking it.

It only took him about five minutes to reach my house. Well, he'd either sprinted all the way here or he'd used that adorable chubby scooter of his. He didn't even know how to drive an actual car yet, poor little guy. Oh course, I took every chance I got to tease him about it and the way it pissed him off WAY more than necessary was hilarious.

I opened the door to let him in and threw a quick glance at the driveway. Yep, it was the scooter. "I see you brought Toby over," I said, already smiling at the reaction I knew he would have.

"Shut up, shut up!" he ordered angrily. Why was this so funny? "Stop calling it that!"

"What? Chubby Toby?" I was laughing so hard I could barely stand up.

Matt grunted and headed toward my room without bothering to wait for me. "Hey, slow down!" I ran after him down the stairs and found him studying a sheet of paper on my desk. Aw, I liked it better when he was pissed off and not closely evaluating a piece of my very private feelings. Now I was starting to feel awfully self-conscious. "That's uh, a song I'm writing now."

I almost never wrote anything without Matt's help, and I could tell it bothered him that I hadn't asked for it this time. It had felt weird for me too, and I was glad to ask him for help now—even though it kind of felt like sharing with him something I would rather keep to myself.

"I think you'd like it better if I actually played it, don't you think?" Might as well get the shyness out of the way. I picked up my guitar and sat on the edge of the bed. "Oh, by the way, feel free to make any changes you want. And tell me if it sucks—but do it nicely." Matt was silent as always, watching me strum the first chords nervously. I couldn't stop wondering what was going through his mind. "All the times I tried to steal my best for you," I sang. Well, my voice had had better days. "And I threw it up to keep it down and watch it burn I hate the sound…"

I just hoped I would remember all the lyrics. I usually had them right in front of me, but now Matt had the paper. Oh well, it wasn't like I was singing in front of a judge, just my best friend in the whole world… who probably hated me after I'd deliberately ignored him for days during which I'd broken the sacred promise of never writing a serious song without him. Oops.

"'Cause I still feel all the things I did before, when you used to need it more. Remember all the ways you fixed me? How will you fix me now? And if you're ever feeling you're bruised and battered, always sore, I won't tell no one. Just breathe, breathe…"

I didn't have a strumming pattern yet so it was all pretty dull, but I managed to go through the first half of the song without causing a natural disaster, so that was good news. I stopped at the bridge since I had no bridge yet—actually, I didn't have much for all the hours I'd spent working on it. The lack of Matt really showed.

"Well, that's all," I said, looking up at him sheepishly.

One heavy second ticked by before he smiled and gave me a thumbs up. "That's great, man! I am truly surprised you managed to do all that without my prestigious talent…"

I snickered. "Oh right, your 'prestigious talent', of course. Well why don't you put your prestigiously talented ass to work and help me find some strumming patterns for this?"

"Wait, wait, wait," he interfered, waving his hands in front of his face. "You said you needed to talk to me about something. What was it?"

Oh, yeah. That.

"Uh…" Damn, why was this so hard? "Promise you won't tell anyone?" I already knew he wouldn't, but I wanted to give myself as much time as could, to wait until the last moment before admitting everything.

"Of course. Who do you suppose I would tell?"

I figured that question was rhetorical and answering it would just annoy him more, so I decided on not doing that—not that I didn't want to annoy Matt, because I loved annoying Matt, but right now it just wasn't funny anymore.

I just had to fucking tell him. "Matt, do you remember when we were at Warped with Hayley and you broke your hand and had to go to the hospital? Well, I went home too, but uh, Hayley came with me. We talked a little, and we made out." I watched Matt's eyebrows rise as I slowly revealed my secret. Oh, just you wait, Matty. You haven't heard anything yet. "But then she started feeling guilty and ran away, so I chased after her and convinced her to come back." The way I said it made it sound like some cheesy romance movie. Oh wait, it was EXACTLY that—well, except the 'movie' part. "And then we talked some more, and made these stupid origami swans…" Ok Josh, get to the point, "And then…" I gulped. "We did it."

* * *

Hayley's POV

Time was flying by. I was constantly busy with all the homework my mother was throwing on me after all the months I'd slacked off for my band. Phew, this homeschooling was more tiring than normal school used to be. But it didn't matter. I had nothing better to do with my summer, and it was nice to be able to take my mind off things.

Whenever I had some free time, I would take a stroll around the neighborhood to breathe some fresh air and try to clear my head. Forget. That's all I wanted.

But for some reason, my unconscious brought me farther away from my house with each walk, and one day I realised in bewilderment that I had travelled all the way to Jack's neighborhood without even thinking about it.

My stomach knotted while I forced myself to turn back. He couldn't know I was here. It was getting late anyway, I had to go back home.

But then, I had come all the way here. I was so close… I needed to talk to him. My stubborn feet doubled back on their own and brought me closer and closer to him, until I was standing right in front of his tiny square house. Ugh. This would only make things worse. Leave, Hayley. Leave now.

The sun had almost set. The sky was hidden behind a dark gray layer of menacing clouds. A cold breeze filled the air and I shivered. I started to feel a little scared all of a sudden. Not the smallest sound disturbed that heavy silence. My mother had warned me not to linger outdoors late in the evening, but I had waved it off. I suddenly wished I hadn't.

I could just go knock on Jack's door, right? No, of course not. I was a cheating slut and he hated me. I would be more welcome in a stranger's house.

I took a deep breath and started towards the house, ignoring my brain that kept screaming at me to turn back.

I was halfway through the front yard when suddenly, I heard a tiny noise behind me, like someone stepping on the concrete sidewalk. Probably just a harmless stranger taking a walk. That's all. Not a serial killer.

That's when I was violently pulled back by a hand covering my mouth. I tried to scream, but my throat was a painful, dry knot. The stranger pinned me against him with his arm while his other hand was still pressed over my face. I couldn't move.

"Hello there," he whispered in my ear while my eyes filled with tears of terror and despair. He sounded young; probably some jock who liked raping helpless girls in his free time. Maybe I even knew him. But what did it matter? He would probably kill me anyway.

Maybe it was for the best. At least then I would stop hurting everyone. Jack would be able to find himself someone who truly cared about him. Josh would finally be free from my cruel grip on his heart.

Still, I knew it wasn't what they wanted. They would want me to fight, to survive through this, even if it wasn't what was best for them. And I would. For Jack. For Josh.

I gathered all the strength I could and managed to pull one arm from under the stranger's iron grip. I clenched my fist and brought it up to where I expected his nose to be with as much power as I managed. Bullseye. He yelled in pain and let go of me.

I tried sprinting to Jack's door but another pair of annoyingly strong arms caught my waist and lifted me up from the ground. This time, I screamed until my own ears hurt and repetitively punched the second guy until he let go and pushed me to the ground—though I had probably fallen on my own.

I stumbled back to my feet when suddenly, a voice I knew too well yelled, "STOP!"


	18. Chapter 18

18

Josh's POV

"We did it." There, I said it. Go ahead Matt, make fun of me. Tell me I'm too young for that shit. Run away and never talk to me again. Just do SOMETHING.

Matt stared at me for a few seconds, his face empty of emotion. And then, he frowned the slightest bit and asked, "Did what?"

I had to refrain from slapping my forehead. How could he be so idiotic? "No, Matt. We DID IT." I made sure to put as much emphasis on the words as I could, plunging my gaze into his with what I hoped was a meaningful expression.

Finally, FINALLY, his eyes widened in understanding. "Oh… Ooohhh!" Yes, dumbass, 'oh.' "Fuck," he muttered.

"Yeah, that," I confirmed with a half-smile that I didn't quite feel.

Matt went back to staring at me, until finally he smiled widely and a strange little laugh came out of his mouth. "SCORE, man!" he shouted, throwing his palm up in hope that I would actually high five him.

Obviously, I wasn't gonna do that. I honestly hadn't expected this reaction from him, but it wasn't exactly better than the ones I had seen coming. I mean, how could he be HAPPY about this? Didn't he understand how fucked up this whole situation was?

Oh, but maybe he didn't know. "Heh, yeah…" I said slowly, "except she has a boyfriend."

His arm fell back into his lap limply as he gawked at me with his mouth literally hanging open. He quickly composed himself though, but only to ask me the weirdest most unexpected question. "Was she a virgin?"

Uh, what? What did it matter!? What the FUCK? "Uh…" Ok, this was WAY too private. I wasn't actually going to answer that. "Yeaaah…" Oops, too late. Ugh, Hayley would hate me for this.

"Well DUDE," Matt said immediately, as if I was supposed to understand something then. "If she'd rather lose her virginity with you than her boyfriend, I don't think he'll still be her boyfriend for long."

Huh, he had a point.

But it was all irrelevant. She loved him, so what did it matter?

"So… what are you saying?" I asked cautiously. "That she'd rather be with me?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying." He sure seemed confident. Maybe… maybe he was right.

Still, it didn't hold together. "But dude, why would anyone pick ME?"

He seemed confused by that question. "Why not?"

"Well… because I'm… ME." Wasn't it obvious? I was a friendless asshole and a stupid failure. All I could do was get myself in trouble and turn everyone's lives to nightmares. Who the hell would want me?

"So?" Matt asked, still confused. "What's wrong with you?"

Wow, he really WAS an idiot. "Are you fucking kidding me? Do I need to make a list? You better have some spare hours in your schedule if you want to have enough time to read it!" I practically barked the words at him, but he didn't budge.

Instead, he crossed his arms across his chest with a sympathetic smirk. "C'mon man, listen to yourself. I just think you're giving yourself a really hard time. I mean, do you honestly believe you're that bad?" He sounded like a fucking counselor. Ew.

"Even worse," I answered coldly. "I don't see how anyone could ever like me."

"And that makes me… the friendless reject who's stuck hanging out with the most obnoxious person in the universe?"

I let out a short laugh. "Well, if you put it that way…"

Matt raised his eyebrows, looking amused but a little insulted. He'd probably hoped I would give up and admit I was wrong. Ha, never.

It's true that, for a second there, I actually started to doubt that self-loathing of mine. After all, I DID have the most awesome friend in the universe, and he didn't look like he just wanted to run away yelling in terror. But… after all, I HAD lost whatever other friends I used to have. Even my childhood besties had completely forgotten I existed, so I guess I couldn't have been that great. If Matt was still dumb enough to waste his time on me, it was probably because he had nothing better to do. But I knew that soon enough, something would come and he'd forget me too, just like everyone else.

And I'd be completely alone.

"Whatever, man," Matt muttered, giving up on trying to change my mind. Good. "You got anything to eat?"

I rolled my eyes—still glad he'd let it go though—and led him upstairs to the kitchen.

* * *

Hayley's POV

"STOP!" yelled a voice I knew too well. I jumped and tripped over my own feet, dropping to the ground yet again.

And then, the world seemed to freeze for a second. Lying face down on the cold grass of Jack's lawn, I was unable to think about anything but the pain in my elbows and my imminent death. I expected to be attacked once again any second, but silently prayed they would go away now that Jack was here.

I was saved, right?

"Hayley!" Jack called desperately. I felt a strong hand suddenly grab my shoulder and immediately rolled on my back, my legs kicking restlessly until they found a target. "OW! Fuck, Hays, it's me!"

I stopped moving as soon as he said it. I tried to find my breath again while I watched Jack rub his forearm—the one I'd kicked—but my lungs seemed to shrink and curl up on themselves. I just… couldn't…

"Breathe, Hays! It's okay!" Jack crouched next to me, worry and sadness engraved into the lines of his face. I barely recognised him like this. His usual little smile, the one that never left him even when he was in a bad mood, was gone. His face seemed to stretch down in misery and exhaustion, and I could swear he looked skinnier than usual.

This was all my fault.

With that realisation came another one: I could breathe again. It only came in jerky gasps as if I had been drowning, but at least I was still alive. Jack stretched a reluctant arm toward me and gently helped me sit up. He seemed extremely unwilling to touch me, like I was a piece of old cheese or something. Oh but wait, I was way worse than that.

I tried to look up at him but my head was spinning so hard I was afraid of taking my eyes off the ground. Slowly and gradually, I pulled my head up and…

A shrill yelp escaped my lips as I saw three huge dark shapes standing right in front of me. Though the sunset made it impossible for me to distinguish anything but their outlines, I knew exactly who they were. It was them! The violent… heartless… attacking… rapists—

"It's okay, Hays!" Jack reassured me. "They're not gonna hurt you! They're just a bunch of dumb assholes." At that moment, one of the shadows took a step towards me and kneeled right next to my legs—too close; I had to fight the urge to slam my foot in his face.

But now that he was closer, I could finally distinguish his face better. He sure didn't look like a rapist to me. His small apologetic smile kind of reminded me of Jack—of the happier Jack, I mean—and his expression was that of pure innocence. He was actually kind of cute—shut up, you cheating slut.

"Hey, sorry about the heart attack I just caused you. I honestly didn't think you'd react like someone was cutting out your insides." Ew, what? "I mean, it DID kind of feel good to get some justice…"

"Shut up, Alex," Jack ordered harshly. He sighed and looked back at me. "I tried to stop them, I swear."

"Hey! I was NOT part of this!" another shadow protested. "This was Alex's idea entirely!"

"Wait, what?" I asked Jack. This was seriously confusing.

Jack sighed again and helped me to my feet before finally beginning to explain. "Hayley, these are my friends Rian, Zack and of course, the magnificent Alexander William Gaskarth. Now that you know his full name, you can sue him properly." The three guys all waved shyly, friendly smiled stretched across their faces. It was hard to believe that thirty seconds earlier I had been sure they would rape and murder me. "A minute ago," Jack continued, "we noticed you standing outside my house staring at it," Wow, how embarrassing. "and Alex had the brilliant idea of scaring the shit out of you for uh, what you did to me." The last few words were barely a shameful whisper, as if he was scared they would hurt me. "I tried to stop him, I swear."

I stared at Alex, unable to believe he could actually think up something that sick. "So… this is your idea of a prank!?" For some reason, I was suddenly overtaken by anger. "What are you, some kind of sadistic freak!? You thought this would be FUNNY!?"

"Of course not," he answered seriously. His apologetic expression was gone. "I just thought you deserved it. After all, you ARE just a double-crossing bitch."

I huffed in disbelief at his bold insult. Who the heck did he thing he was!? So maybe he was right, but that didn't mean he had the right to…

But man, he was right.

"Shut up, Alex," Jack said again, a little late. "Just shut the fuck up. You sick bastard."

Alex didn't say anything. Instead, he glared at Jack with a look of painful betrayal in his eyes. "I did this for YOU," he mouthed clearly enough for me to understand. Then, he turned on his heels and started to walk away angrily. "I'll come pick up my guitar later," he threw over his shoulder in a toneless voice. "See you, fucktards."


	19. Chapter 19

19

Josh's POV

Matt was emptying the cupboards on the counter in the search for something edible. In vain. "Wow, all you have is pasta and flour and salt and weird spices!? And…" Another small wooden door flew open. "…dishes." Matt sighed in frustration. "What about the junk food? Gosh, how do you survive!? And seriously, what even IS this?" He picked up a small brown bottle and held it up to his face in disgust. "Camel oil...? CAMEL OIL?" That was either one of the weird new things my mother was experiencing in her impulsive cooking spree, or it was some kind of soap. Matt looked about ready to vomit. "What's next? Llama spit? Mountain goat eye juice? Where do you keep the cauldron, Josh?"

I doubled over in hysterics. This was almost as hilarious as Chubby Toby. "Stop! Can't... breathe..." I managed to gasp through my tears of laughter before dropping to the cold floor, drained of all energy.

"Wow, I sure am funny," Matt concluded dubiously before returning to his search. "Eureka!" he yelled after about ten seconds. I looked up in curiosity and saw him holding up a box of Oreos like it was made of pure gold. "Why were you hiding, my babies?"

"Because you're about to grind them to pieces in your mouth and swallow them and let them decompose in burning acid," I answered while getting up from the floor. "I'd hide if I were them."

He shrugged. "True." And the Oreo massacre began. He gulped down three cookies in ten seconds and was about to reach for another one before I snatched the box from his hands.

"Woah, slow down, cowboy! I wouldn't want my mom to think that… Nevermind, just take it easy." I wasn't about to start talking about my past bulimia problems now. I didn't even know why I had thought of that anyway. Ugh, stupid memory.

Matt didn't seem to notice my uneasiness, being too focused on extracting the box from between my hands again. The little cast around his pinky and ring fingers kept sliding off and I practically gave him the box back in pity.

"Wahn shum?" he asked right after stuffing his mouth again. Disgusting.

"Er, no thanks." I didn't exactly feel like eating anything. Ever.

A frown crossed Matt's face as he crossed his arms in exaggerated disappointment. "Buh, duhe," he started before swallowing noisily. "You look like a starving Third World child during a peaking famine. When's the last time you ate anything?"

Dammit, I hated that question. "Uh—"

"You've lost count, haven't you?" he said before I could answer. "You're aware that human beings need to absorb food in order to survive, right?"

"Ok, listen up, Matthew," I ordered sharply, pointing my finger at his face. "First of all, I am not human. I'm a refugee from planet 'Shut Up', in the galaxy 'Leave Me Alone' visible between the stars 'I Don't Give A Shit' and 'It's None Of Your Business' in the constellation 'Go Fuck Yourself'. And second of all, Oreos are disgusting, and chewing in my face with the manners of a cow isn't helping."

Matt's eyebrows went up in shock at my snappy reply. He froze in place for a second until a huge smile started growing across his face, and before I knew it, we were both snorting with laughter. Wow, this was so easy.

"Eat it!" Matt yelled suddenly, half jumping on me and attempting to insert a cookie in my mouth. I pressed my lips together and shook my head. I was stuck between Matt and the wall with no chance at escaping. I tried pushing his hand away but he persisted, tickling me to get me to open my mouth. Despite my immense effort, I felt my lips finally part and gave up, laughing freely while the horrifying taste of the Oreo filled my mouth.

"YES!" Matt let go of me, watching me wince in disgust with a triumphant look in his eyes.

Ugh, that little—hey, this actually didn't taste so bad. Huh. "You know," I said once I was done swallowing—because, unlike Matt, I actually had some kind of manners, "these are pretty good."

We finished the whole box in record time. My stomach welcomed the food happily, and I only then realised just how hungry I really was. I had been about to starve to death.

"Matty, you saved my life." I just thought I should let him know. "Yet again."

He chuckled at that, not quite realising how true it was. Oh Matthew, if you only knew.

* * *

Hayley's POV

After Alex had left, Jack had tried talking to me, but I had been unable to pronounce another word. Under the pitiful eyes of Zack and Rian, I had walked away from my ex—ow—boyfriend without even giving him a chance to stop me. I had only made things worse. Again.

Why was he so nice to me? And why was everyone else treating me like dirt? Just this morning during band practice—an activity we had finally decided to resume after so long, except this time without Jack—Jeremy had shot me glares like throwing knives, he who was always so sweet to me. Jack was one of his best friends, and I had… I had…

I had to face it. I had messed up real bad. I had to talk to him again.

I just wished I knew what to say.

And then, of course, there was that godforsaken phone number. I stared at it for timeless minutes that slowly amounted to hours, still without being able to call.

I couldn't talk to him either. I couldn't talk to anyone. I might as well have been mute. At least I still had music. In time, I would learn to write songs without Jack's help. Just like I would do everything else without Jack's help.

I would survive without Jack's help.

I just wasn't sure how pleasant a survival it would be. I felt more and more like I was turning into a zombie. All this guilt was growing on me, making me feel tired from the first breath I took in the morning to the last blink of my eyes before I fell asleep—an action which seemed to happen later and later each night.

And then there was my unbelievable hunger, my increasing headaches, even this annoying nausea that caught me at the most unexpected moments. I had never felt this miserable before. I could barely think, and all I wanted was to talk to someone, but I simply didn't know what those words that were making my head explode were.

Josh, I love you. Jack, I'm sorry and… I love you too? Wicked.

I was so confused. This was all wrong.

Help.


	20. Chapter 20

20

Josh's POV

Sometimes I stopped to wonder: had this all just been a dream? Had my encounter with Hayley been real? What were the odds? For some reason, I had a tendency to forget the most recent parts of my life during the shorts nights of sleep I got, so much that when I woke up and it all came back to me, I felt like I had leaped through time and landed somewhere in a future that had yet to happen, like in an epic sci-fi movie. For example, some mornings I woke up still thinking I was in rehab, and other times I even forgot I had been there in the first place, and them BAM—

I saw the disappointment in everybody's eyes, the songs I had written that told my sad story, the brand new bumper on my mother's car, and I remembered. I remembered what a roller coaster my life had been after I'd escaped from rehab, especially that one day when I had seen Hayley again.

It was quite incredible how many things had happened in one single day. I had not only seen my long-lost ex-girlfriend for the first time in three years, but I had also taken her home, made out with her—even though she was NOT single—run after her when she'd noticed the wrongness of the situation and decided to leave, brought her back to my house, slept with her, driven her back to her bus in the middle of the night, crashed into a middle-aged strip-club owner on my way back AND almost gotten back into heroin that same night. Thank god I had pulled through without killing myself one way or another.

But now… Now nothing happened anymore. Just my regular routine, splitting my days between loneliness, Matt and useless attempts at getting some sleep. I had never thought I would miss high school so bad.

I wondered how much time had passed. Maybe three months. Maybe two days. Ok, more than two days, but most likely less than three months. I really needed a calendar.

At least Matt and I were really starting to think about getting a band together—well, Matt was; I was too stuck in my state of melancholic lethargy to think about anything. I think he was a bit annoyed at me for not seeming interested in anything, but I WAS interested, I just didn't show it! Still, 'Are you listening to me, Josh?' was a question I was being asked more and more frequently, in more and more irritated tones, and not only by Matt. I don't even know why anyone still bothered to talk to me.

"Josh! Are you listening to me!?"

My head snapped up and I stared at Matt in confusion. I had a feeling he'd been calling my name for a while before I'd actually been aware of it. He returned my gaze with the usual annoyed expression before it turned to worry and then pain. He looked down and threw the paper he was holding on the floor. "Nevermind," he muttered.

"No! What is it?" I asked desperately, trying to make up for my lack of attention with a new enthusiasm. Matt didn't answer. He didn't even look at me. I suppose it was exactly what I'd been doing for the past few hours.

I swallowed back my regret and picked up the paper, trying to spot what he'd wanted to show me. I couldn't find anything interesting though—except for an ad by a lady trying to sell her washing machine because, and I quote, 'I accidentally bought two.' Genius. "Seriously, Matt, what is it!?"

He only managed to pout for one more second before sighing in defeat. "Bottom left," he said, pursing his lips.

I looked to where he indicated and finally noticed the tiny rectangle hidden between two overly colourful car wash ads. I felt a smile grow on my face as I read the two little sentences and looked back up at Matt. His eyes sparkled with hope as he waited for my reaction.

"Ian Casselman the drummer, eh? That's a pretty funny name. I can already think of twenty nicknames for this guy…"

"Doesn't sound like a fake name, though," Matt noted unsurely. It actually did, but I chose to keep that to myself.

Let's just say we'd had a pretty bad experience with a fake name a few days earlier—at least, I supposed it was a few days, what with my internal clock being all whirly and all—when we'd fallen for some dude's bogus ad and we'd ended up calling some wealthy politician asking him if he wanted to be in our band. Since then, Matt and I—mostly Matt—were very weary when it came to dubious ads that contained unusual names.

"I think we should give it a try," Matt said. I could feel a slight panic in his voice as he watched me, worried that I would slip back in my state of living-vegetable.

I smiled to reassure him and added to it by going, "Yeah! We should!"

I reached for my phone while a new hope started building up deep inside me. Maybe, just maybe, for once, something might go right for me…

But just as I laid one finger on the cellphone, it rang and vibrated out of my reach. Before I could react, Matt picked it up and looked at the screen curiously. His smile suddenly faded.

His next words explained why and made me wanna throw up. I just didn't know if it was of happiness or horror.

"It's Hayley," he said.

* * *

Hayley's POV

"Breathe," I ordered to myself as I watched my reflection in the mirror slowly growing blurry while my eyes welled up with cold tears.

I had to keep it together. It would be okay. It had to be okay.

I had to tell him. He had to know.

Without thinking, I grabbed my phone from my back pocket and dialed the numbers I knew by heart with shaky fingers. I held the phone up to my ear and tried to listen to the ringing despite the sound of my heart pounding in my head.

"Breathe," I repeated, slightly annoyed. This only made me burst into tears and I fell to the floor, my knees no longer capable of holding me upright. The cellphone sprang from my hands and dropped a few feet away from me. I ignored it at first, but finally decided it was better to pick it up in case someone was waiting for an answer on the other side. Someone…

Did I really want to talk to him now? Would it make things better? I didn't really feel like I had a choice though, given the circumstances.

While I reached for the little object apprehensively, I thought back on how this all had happened. I still couldn't believe it.

Half a day. That was all. That was the amount of time I had spent with Josh Ramsay, and now it destroyed me. It had pulled Jack and me apart, and I had later pulled Jack and his friend Alex apart as well. It was pulling our band apart, along with my relationship with Jeremy and my mother and… everybody else. Everything was falling to pieces. All because of one little day and one little night that had gone terribly wrong, but had also been the best time of my life.

And now, to top it all…

This.

I had to tell him. With that thought, I was shoved back into reality and to the phone I was about to hold up to my ear.

"Hello? Anyone there? Yoohoo…" came a voice from the other side. It wasn't Josh though. Had I dialled the wrong number?

"H—Hello?" I mumbled anyway.

"Hayley?"

I gasped. Whoever that was, he knew my name.


	21. Chapter 21

21

Josh's POV

"Hayley?" Matt whispered into my phone, careful not to scare her away. "Are you alright?" It had taken Hayley a few long seconds before she'd said anything after picking up—I could tell because Matt had mumbled a lot of "hello's" before his face had finally lit up—and that was never a good sign.

Another strained silence passed and then Matt chuckled nervously and slapped his forehead. "Oops! Sorry. It's Matt… You know, Josh's friend…?" Oh right, Hayley was probably wondering who the hell was answering my cellphone and why it wasn't me.

The truth is… I was unable to talk to her. Don't ask me why, but no matter how much I missed her and longer for her, whenever I had the opportunity to actually speak to her, my brain blocked. When Matt had told me Hayley was calling, I had almost been able to feel each of my limbs slowly go numb one by one while my mind was drowning in panic. Matt had probably noticed the lack of colour in my face and had decided it was wiser to just pick up the phone himself.

It was only now that I started to feel embarrassed for being such a wussy. I mean seriously, it was just a GIRL. Nothing to be scared of. Nope.

Except that I had most likely ruined her life in the length of half a day and half a night and she probably hated me and loved me at the same time, and now she would either declare her love to me or leave me forever. Eep.

"Uh, she wants to talk to you," Matt said before handing me the phone. He awkwardly watched me struggle to raise my arm and wrap my fingers around the little object without moving.

When I finally managed to hold the phone up to my ear—after centuries of hard work—I swallowed hard and whispered, "Hello?" I winced at the croak I had just produced while Matt failed at hiding his laughter. "Shut up," I mouthed, shooting him lasers through my eyes.

"Josh?"

Oh shit. It's her. What do I do? Help! "Hi… Hayles… Uh, how's it going?" Wow, Josh, that was great. I mean, she's obviously in a FANTASTIC mood, it's a good thing you asked!

"Not so good…" Hayley muttered from the other side of the line. She sounded terrible. Oh, man.

"What's wrong…?" I asked unsurely. Why was she calling me? How in the world could I help her?

"Um… would you mind asking Matt to leave, please? I'd like it if we were alone." But we're on the phone. Technically, we're not together, thus we can't be 'alone.'

I let that thought go and told Matt to get the hell out in the nicest way I could. He obeyed like a good boy—he was surely glad to escape to the kitchen by himself and eat all the Oreos—and I told Hayley that we were now 'alone.'

I could practically hear her gulp. "Josh, there's something I need to tell you. It's probably gonna be shocking." Uh oh. I did not like where this was going. "And please don't be mad." Ok, now I was confused. "I'm…" She took a deep breath. "I'm pregnant."

* * *

Hayley's POV

I would rather have told him I was a man-eating unicorn.

At first, there was a deep silence. He then let out a short and fake chuckle and said, "You're kidding. This can't be true."

But it was. Oh my god, it was. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, you don't even know…" Apologizing didn't make me feel less guilty and horrible for what had happened to us, but I still tried.

It still took him about half a minute before he finally answered. "We're so fucked," he declared. "I can't believe this. I just…" It was silent again.

The guilt kept rising and chocking me, so I muttered some more apologies to keep from suffocating. "I'm sorry… I'm so sorry… I really am…"

"Why the fuck are you sorry!?" His voice was now thick with tears and he cleared his throat quickly—too late. I couldn't answer his question. I didn't really know the answer, but at the same time it felt so utterly OBVIOUS that I wondered why he even asked. "This is all my fault," he muttered. "I knew this would happen. This kind of thing only happens to me. I'm the biggest fucking jinx in the universe…" He was now muttering to himself and I had trouble understanding his words.

It didn't really matter though.

At least he knew. I had managed to tell him. That's all that mattered for now. I could at least enjoy my tiny victory before the true battle began.

And to think that, two days ago, I hadn't even been aware that there would BE a battle. I had found out so abruptly when my mother had made a humorless joke about me being pregnant since I was always sick for no reason. I used to blame the sickness on the deep sadness that weighed on me, but I guess it was something much simpler. Or much more complicated.

In a few hours, my whole life had been flipped up-side down. And now all I had to do was hold on and never let go, try my best not to fall in the abyss of panic that waited under my dangling feet.

I had to stay strong and clean up the awful mess I'd made.

* * *

Josh's POV

Oh shit.

This couldn't be happening. She was probably kidding. It just couldn't—

BUT WHO THE HELL WOULD MAKE SUCH A SICK JOKE?

Nope. This was real.

For some reason, I'd always known this would happen. I mean, I hadn't known EXACTLY what would happen but I knew that something bad would result from my short encounter with Hayley, and unfortunately, I had been right—for once.

Still, even if I had expected it, it took long and painful moments for it to sink in. And just when I thought that I had truly grasped the meaning of the situation, I realised that I hadn't really grasped anything at all and that this was WAY worse than I could comprehend.

There was a baby inside Hayley. No, not a baby. A brain-eating six-legged creature that sucked the joy out of her soul. And that I, ME, had shoved into her. Gross.

Why me? Why her? What did we do to deserve this!?

Were people normally happy to find out they had somehow contributed to the perpetuation of the human species? I suppose it was a good thing when you weren't seventeen and the mother didn't have another boyfriend and lived a million kilometres away.

Mother. What a strange thing to call Hayley.

Ugh, this was just sick. Without thinking, I hung up on her and stormed out of the room. I climbed the stairs two by two and told Matt I was going for a walk before slamming the front door behind me. I needed to be alone. Away from all this crap.

The warm summer air felt soft and welcoming. I inhaled deeply and let my feet guide me through the peaceful streets coated in the orange light of dusk, forgetting everything.


	22. Chapter 22

22

Josh's POV

"What the hell happened, man!?" Matt almost yelled in my face as I walked back into my house.

"Chill, dude." I walked lamely to the couch and threw myself on it, turning on the TV while I made myself comfortable. Ok, so maybe Matt had a good reason to be confused. After all, I had stormed out of the house without a word and taken a two-hour walk after getting a phone call. Leaving him standing there. He probably thought I was a secret agent or something. … 'Agent Ramsay, we have a mission of high importance for you. Report to headquarters immediately.'

Matt suddenly walked in front of the TV and stood there with his hands on his hips and that annoying-little-brat look on his face.

"I'm not a secret agent." I felt the urge to reassure him.

His frown faltered for a second but he regained himself quickly—wow, he really WAS angry. "What the fuck are you talking about!?" he asked. I smirked. He would never know. He would spend the rest of his life trying to figure out what I was talking about and he would go mad and live in Wonderland with Alice. Haha.

I really needed to control my thoughts a little.

"Josh, where did you go!?"

I fought the urge to say 'to HQ' and focused on the seriousness of the situation. I hated remembering though. I didn't want to think about Hayley and her—OUR bab—THING. I just wasn't ready to… accept this. I was just… so scared…

"Hey, you ok?"

My eyes flickered to Matt's now worried expression and I wondered what the hell was on mine.

"Hayley's pregnant," I said, sitting up quickly as if my own words had sent an electric shock through my body. Matt gawked at me, unable to move. I waited patiently for his reaction, trying not to hyperventilate.

Finally, a distorted smile started growing on his lips. "Seriously?" he asked in disbelief. I nodded guiltily and stared at the floor. "Whoa," I heard him mouth before he plopped down on the armchair across from me, next to the TV. "Well that sucks." I nodded again. I didn't know what to say. "Are you um…" Matt began slowly, rubbing his arm thoughtfully.

"What?"

"Are you happy? I mean, do you like… love the baby or something?"

What the fuck. I stared at him with a look of pure disgust on my face while he stared back awkwardly. "Are you out of your mind?" I articulated slowly. I promised myself I wouldn't go punch him in the face now.

"Well, I don't know! I've never gotten a girl pregnant before!" He threw his arms in the air defensively. "Maybe there was some weird chemical brainwash that automatically made you wanna… protect it and…" This was getting more awkward by the second. "Love it?"

No punching, Josh. No punching. "I. Don't. Love it. I fucking hate it, Matt! Don't you understand!?" He looked at me with those concerned puppy eyes of his again, but I ignored him. I was making my point. "It's horrible. I wish this had never happened. I wish Hayley had never come back! I wish that THING didn't exist! I fucking hate it."

* * *

Hayley's POV

The hardest part was getting used to that strange presence following me through each of my steps. No matter what I did, he—IT—was always there. INSIDE me. I felt so watched that I longed for privacy and I sometimes felt like looking down at my belly and going, 'STOP STARING AT ME!'

I didn't like it. But at the same time, it kept me from feeling that dreadful loneliness that had haunted me for a while after my misadventure with Jack, and for that I was grateful. I hadn't realised just how much that feeling was choking me before it was gone, but now I felt relieved. Because now, every time I felt lonely, I looked down, I smiled, and I told the little thing all that was on my mind.

Still, that didn't keep it from being a very, very bad thing. It would ruin my life—just like I would ruin ITS life. I wasn't ready. I was too young. I wanted to live, not raise a child! I felt guilty for every second it grew, knowing that it would either die soon or live a horrible existence.

And of course, the most pressing issue, the one that was now hanging by a thread above my head, was far worse than any of those: My mother didn't even know.

Yep. She had no idea.

Well, she probably did have an idea—because I wasn't exactly the stealth master—but I had a feeling she was very scared of that conclusion. She was probably trying to convince herself that it was impossible, but deep down…

Either way, I had to tell her one day. The sooner the better. About a month had passed since… that night… and about a week since I had found out. Every day, it became harder for me to keep my mouth shut and look into my mother's eyes knowing that I was lying to her just by staying silent.

And then I burst. All it took was a light knock on my door and my mom asking me, "Is everything ok, Hayley?"

First of all, why did she suddenly get the urge to ask me that when I had not shown one single sign of non-okayness all day? And second of all, NO I AM NOT OK.

So I told her. "No! Nothing is ok! I'm fucking pregnant!" I covered my mouth with my hands swiftly, but it was too late. The secret was out.

The door flew open and my mother stared at me with her mouth hanging open. Then, she blinked and an expression of rage twisted her features. "Did you just say the word 'fuck'!? Hayley, what is—" She stopped short and sighed deeply before rubbing her forehead. "You can't be pregnant. It just can't be true."

Well, last time I checked… "I'm sorry," I whispered, feeling my eyes water yet again. "I can't believe it either."

When my mom looked up again, her face had turned desperate and her eyes were wet as well. "Hayley, how could you?"

"Well, I didn't exactly do it on purpose!" I snapped. I immediately regretted it. She was right, it WAS my fault. I had been too reckless. I had never expected this to happen so I hadn't done anything to prevent it… Then again, neither had Josh. He was just as responsible as I was and this was his problem too… Or was it? He didn't really have to deal with it if he didn't want to. He could just leave me any day; he didn't even have to actually LEAVE anywhere since he was already so far away. All he had to do was decide that he didn't really care, and then…

Who knows, maybe he already had.

"Oh, baby…" My mom walked up to me and sat down on the bed next to where I had been sitting cross-legged, doing my homework. She stroked my hair and my wet cheek and asked softly, "Was it Jack? Is this why you broke up?"

I wasn't sure if I should nod or shake my head since no, it wasn't Jack, but yes, that WAS why we broke up. So instead I opened up my lazy mouth and explained. "It was Josh. When I was on tour… remember?" I had already told her what had happened then. I took her silence as a 'yes'. "I broke up with Jack afterwards because of it. He actually doesn't even know we went that far… but now I have to tell him. I never actually did it with Jack. My boyfriend. The only one who deserved that… And now he hates me. Josh probably does too. God, I hadn't seen him in three years! How could this happen…?" My voice faded in discouragement.

My mom's eyes widened in horror at how insanely messed up this was, and I truly couldn't blame her. She took a second to compose herself before asking, "Does Josh know?"

Due to the huge lump now forming in my throat, I decided not to trust my voice anymore and this time, I nodded.

"And what did he say…?" my mother continued.

Damn, now I would have to talk. "He…" I cleared my throat and tried to think up an answer to her question. "I'm not sure. He was angry, I think… and he kept blaming himself…" A sob ripped through my body as I thought about him again, about what he could do to me. "I'm s—so scared he'll l—leave me," I managed to articulate through the tears.

My mom wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tightly until I managed to calm down a little. "Have you talked to him lately?" she asked, still holding me.

"No," I muttered. "Not since I gave him the news."

She pulled back and looked at me with a sorry smile. "Maybe you should call him again," she proposed. "I'm sure he's willing to do whatever he can to help you. And so am I."

I couldn't help but smile at how sweet she was. I had been sure she would rip my head off, but instead she was so understanding and calm. At least on the outside.

"Thank you so much, mom," I said sincerely. "I'll call him. But…" I sighed. "I don't know what to do! Should I keep the baby?" It felt like a stupid question, as if the answer was obvious. But still, I didn't know what that obvious answer was.

My mother frowned and pursed her lips. I knew what she was thinking. She had always been a good Christian and abortion was an abominable thing to her. But now that her own daughter was in need, she hesitated.

"I suppose… I suppose it's your choice," she said finally. "And I will help you make that choice no matter what seems right to me." She looked down, eyes filled with guilt. I didn't say anything. After a few seconds, she looked up again and plunged her gaze into mine. "Tell me honestly Hayley: Right now, in this very moment, deep down in your heart, do you want this baby?"

This was the hardest question anyone had ever asked me. But somehow, unlike the other answerless question I had asked myself, this one seemed to answer itself. It was all very clear in my head suddenly. Because no matter what I thought was right, no matter what Josh or my mother thought was right, I knew exactly what I wanted.

And it was not a baby.

"No," I said firmly. "I hate it."


	23. Chapter 23

23

Hayley's POV

I still hadn't called Josh.

I know, I know, I was being stupid and cowardly and it was useless to try to hide anything from him because one way or another, he would find out eventually. Most likely from myself. But I just couldn't resolve myself to pick up the phone and tell him that I had every intention to… dispose of the thing. What would he think of that? Would he agree? Would he convince me not to do it? Would he even care? The only way to know would be to talk to him…

Come to think of it, why did he not call me himself!? Maybe he actually didn't care. Maybe he didn't want to deal with me anymore. Maybe I should just leave him alone.

And there I went, reaching once again the conclusion that it was better not to ever talk to Josh again.

Josh's POV

The doorbell made me bounce up from the bed in excitement. Matt and I hurled ourselves out of the room and to the entrance hall to answer the door before his mom did. We didn't want her to be the first to discover whatever was standing on the other side—for once in her life she'd let me sleep over at Matt's; we wouldn't wanna scare the shit out of her already.

Thankfully, when Matt opened the door—somehow, he'd been faster than me—we discovered a relatively normal curly-haired person with a wide and slightly creepy smile. Not a slimy alien or a basket with a fake baby in it—not even kidding, the basket thing had actually happened to us once. We freaked out until we realised it was April 1st.

Anyway, Matt opened the door, and half a second later a hand was grabbing his and shaking it thoroughly. "Hello! The name's Ian!" Before I knew it, he had shoved his was past Matt and was now shaking my own hand hard enough that I almost lost my balance. I had to take a second to understand what was happening to me. "How do you do?" Ian asked, bowing his head like a gentleman. He had let go of my hand and was now politely waiting for one of us to respond.

Matt cleared his throat uneasily. "Um, great," he said. "How about you…?"

"I think he's pretty happy," I observed before Ian could answer. "He practically ripped my arm off."

Ian frowned at my accusation. "Well, sorry, just tryin' to be friendly," he said in a deep and serious voice. I suddenly felt bad for being an asshole. Which was strange since I never felt bad for being an asshole.

"So… I'll show you around, Ian!" Matt proposed enthusiastically, breaking the silence. Pretty soon, they were both walking around the house while Matt blabbered on about his mom's terrible decorating skills. I stayed behind, feeling like shit.

I was tired and annoyed. I was worried as fuck about everything. I was just plain sick of living this monotonous life while somewhere far away, something so much better was waiting for me. If only I had the guts to call her.

The problem was that I had no idea what I would say to her. 'Hi, Hayles, just wondering how things were going with that pregnancy and all…' Perfect. Just perfect.

Giving up, I dragged my feet back towards Matt's room. "Hey, Josh!" he greeted when I passed him.

I swear, I had never seen Matt talk this much. He seemed really happy now. Good for him. I tried blocking out his voice while he continued to chatter restlessly. But just before I zoned out, something he said caught my ear. "Here we have a cheap painting of a disproportional swan which my mother considers… magnificent." I smiled as I imagined the face he would make after saying that.

But what had really drawn my attention was the word 'swan' and all the memories it brought back. That had been a hell of a night—the best night of my life…

Man, all that wrestling with a piece of paper! Hayley had fixed my horrible creation with a flip of her thumb. I remembered drawing the little eyes on each side of the swan's head and naming it Francis. Wow, how the hell had I come up with that!?

I held back a chuckle. Instead, it came out as a sob. Oh shit, not now. I leaned against Matt's door and hoped that it would stop before he and Ian came.

I needed to talk to her. Now.

Without thinking, I picked up my phone.

* * *

Hayley's POV

I jumped when my phone rang. Emily stopped talking mid-sentence and stared at me, her pretty eyes wide. "Oh my god, maybe it's him!" I wasn't sure if by 'him' she meant Josh or Jack. Well, either way, it was about time.

I reached into my purse with a shaky hand. This purse was too big for me. And ugly. But Emily had insisted that I buy it, and since she was now my only friend, I had accepted.

I truly missed Jeremy and Zac, and even Zac's brother—despite the fact that he was sometimes a pain in the neck. But the guys had decided to take a break from the band now that Jack was gone and I was being so reclusive. Jeremy had even threatened to leave the band permanently, and even though I knew he was just saying that out of anger, I was scared he might mean it.

So I had gotten myself a girlfriend, like most girls did. I had abandoned Emily when I'd left school to be home-schooled. Luckily, she had been more than happy to take me back, and in less than a day we were BFFs again. She knew the whole story—yes, she was aware of my… condition. But she didn't judge. She was the friendliest person I knew. Just like I remembered her. We were now taking a walk in the park after a long shopping spree. I might be a rock star, but I still loved shopping. I hadn't been this happy in a long time.

Too bad there was this phone call to ruin it.

"Hello?" I answered in a small voice. I had forgotten to check who was calling out of nervousness.

"Hayley?" Thankfully, I recognized the voice immediately.

"Hey, Jack!" Emily's smile widened with excitement. She started whispering to me what I should say, but I waved her away. "How are you?" I hoped for an honest answer.

"Fine, I guess," he muttered. That was all but honest. "Can we talk? I mean, face to face?" I nodded and pursed my lips. Emily stared at me with questions in her desperate eyes.

"Yes, Jack. We should." And I should probably tell you about a little something I'm carrying around. I felt a knot in my stomach as I realised that Jack didn't even know I wasn't a virgin anymore. Wow, that was the perfect thing to help our relationship…

I sighed. At least he would know. He had the right to. Just like Josh had the right to know about the abortion I was planning.

The only difference was that Josh would never know. Not until it was too late.

* * *

Josh's POV

The line was busy. Well, fuck. I put the phone down while my wild wave of courage splashed into droplets of despair.

Whatever impulse had driven me before, it was gone. I suddenly didn't feel so brave anymore. I wiped my stubborn eyes and hoped again that they wouldn't be red by the time Matt and Ian saw me.

That's when someone pushed on the door I was leaning on. Speak of the devil…

Since the door didn't open, they started knocking like crazy so I got out of the way before they punched a hole through it. The door immediately flew open and hit the wall while Matt came tumbling through the threshold. Ian was standing behind him, holding his sides laughing. Jeez, they sure were getting along great.

I felt a bit rejected all of a sudden. Here came another long afternoon of depression, except this time it would be in the company of two happy little ponies.

Oh, Hayles.


	24. Chapter 24

24

Josh's POV

Ian was more annoying than I'd thought. We'd talked about the band for about five minutes and spent the next three hours playing truth or dare. For some reason, Matt seemed genuinely happy to do whatever the ginger sheep wanted, but I just felt like digging myself a hole and spending the rest of the day in it.

And you know, when I said 'truth or dare', I meant actual girl's-night truth or dare with girly questions and popcorn. It's surprising that we weren't painting our nails yet.

Of course, Ian eventually asked the girlfriend question. "So, do you guys have girlfriends or what?" This was exactly what I was trying to avoid. Having to explain to some guy I barely knew my very complicated situation. Matt shot me a meaningful glance. Ian's smile disappeared and he eyed me pitifully. "Wrong time to ask that question?"

Yes. Very wrong.

All those pointless thoughts I was throwing around in my head in order to escape this hell were gone. They left a deep dark hole that was quickly filled with one thing. Hayley. Hayley and her… passenger.

"So… truth or dare?" Ian asked for the hundredth time in order to change the subject. For some reason, he seemed to be asking us way more than we asked anyone.

"Hey, wasn't it my turn!?" Matt protested.

"Yeah, but I thought we were starting over since—"

"Oh, shut the fuck up!" I interrupted angrily. Unable to take any of this anymore, I got up, shoved Ian out of the way and left the room and the house. I wanted to go home.

But halfway through the porch, I gave up. I was acting like a little kid with anger management problems. I sat down on the wooden stairs and placed my head between my knees.

The thing was destroying me. Even the distance couldn't keep it from grinding to pieces any bit of happiness in my life. Even if I wasn't the one it was living inside. Even if I didn't technically have to worry about it, I just couldn't… not worry! I was dying inside. And how long had it been since I knew? A week?

Man. What would I do when it started growing and changing Hayley? What would I do when it emerged into the world and started doing things!? How would I keep up with it? What was I even supposed to do!?

But then… I was aware that there was another possible ending to this horror story. Hayley could very well get rid of the thing before it did any damage. It was the logical solution. And somehow, my stomach knotted every time I considered the possibility. For some reason, that just felt WRONG, as if I was ready to face whatever shit may come from the existence of the thing, but I wasn't ready to just pulverise it. It was too easy. It was too unfair to the thing.

Just like every one of these thoughts was too unfair to Hayley. I shook my head and looked up quickly, which made me feel dizzy. At least it chased away those stupid thoughts. I had no right to judge whether it was right or wrong if Hayley chose to—

But then again, it was MY baby as much as it was hers.

Dammit Josh, stop overthinking. Maybe if I just looked at the clouds instead. So white and fluffy. They seemed so peaceful, floating through the sky carelessly without giving one flying fuck about what was happening under them. But clouds had one little flaw. Once they started gathering together and growing, they became dark and dangerous, almost angry. And them BAM, it rained and they vanished.

It was kind of like my relationship with Hayley. When we were apart we floated around happily, minding our own business, but as soon as we got together we stopped thinking straight and something bad happened. And now we were vanishing. We were turning to ghosts while that stupid rain took all the space and ate us from the inside…

Ugh. All the clouds now looked like babies to me. It was actually kind of scary.

I looked back at the ground just as footsteps came thumping behind me. "Josh! Can you please stop doing that running-away-in-anger thing?" Matt sighed and sat down beside me. I refrained myself from looking at him. "I mean, one day you'll get hit by a car or something and it'll be my fault!" I didn't move. He was being ridiculous. "Josh…"

Suddenly, a loud noise coming from the house made us both turn around sharply. It sounded like something breaking. Something expensive. "I think Ian just fell over your TV."

"Shit!" Matt quickly got up and ran back inside, a look of panic sweeping across his face. I followed limply but gladly, satisfied that Ian was finally in the Shit Seat instead of me. Let's see how HE handled pressure.

In the living room, Matt and I both discovered a very hilarious scene: Ian lying in the middle of a sea of broken pieces which were once a blue porcelain vase. A small table and a painting of a naked woman—her back to the camera, hold your horses—surrounded him and he had a sheepish apologetic look on his face. Sheepish like that sheep fur on his head, that fucking sheep-man.

I held back my laughter at the sight of Matt's horror-struck expression.

"Tripped over the carpet, heh," Ian explained as he slowly got up. "Hope this wasn't a precious Chinese vase or anything…"

"Actually," Matt said in a small hoarse voice, "It was my grandma's last gift to my mom before she died."

And that's when I burst out laughing.

* * *

Hayley's POV

I walked hastily towards the spot where Jack and I had planned to meet up. It was at the entrance of my old school, the one where he still went and that he used to tell me about when we were still talking.

I had managed to be late again. I don't know what it was with time and me, but let's just say it tended to annoy me a lot by flying by.

Jack was waiting for me, leaning against the handrail of the stairs that led to the entrance door. I was surprised to see his bodyguard friend Alex standing next to him, fists clenched, ready to punch my face in. Wow, how sweet.

"I thought we were supposed to be alone," I said coldly as I came closer to them.

Jack sighed and looked down. He looked worse than the last time I'd seen him. His cheekbones stood out in a terrifying way and the circles around his eyes were almost deep purple. I just wanted to hug the breath out of him until he became himself again, but I had to stay cool.

"I'm sorry, Hays…" Jack muttered soundlessly.

"I think that after what you did, he has every right to bend your fucking agreements," Alex barked at me. Jack looked even more miserable than before. Maybe Alex thought he was helping him, but to me it looked like he was just hurting him more.

An awkward silence sunk in. I felt like turning back and running away, but I knew that wouldn't solve anything. "Jack… can we please talk in private?"

He ignored me and began his own speech instead. "You know Hays, the only reason I even talked to you after Josh left was because he told me to. He told me to take care of you when he wouldn't." I nodded. Josh had already told me that. "It was almost as if it wasn't ME with you, but him," Jack continued in that same weak voice. "As if he was still with you through me… or some freaky shit like that. But I thought that wasn't true. I thought that, since he wasn't ACTUALLY with you, you'd manage to let go of him and go for what was right in front of you. Me." He sighed and shook his head slowly. "I guess I was wrong. And I fucked up Hays. I fucked up because I fell in love with you when all I was supposed to do was make sure you didn't get hit by a train or something."

I pursed my lips. I love you too, Jack, I really do. Why couldn't I just tell him? I knew why. Because it would just hurt him more in the end. "You didn't mess up, Jack," I said instead. "I did. I… betrayed you—"

"Damn right, you did," Alex muttered loud enough for me to hear. I felt the anger boiling up inside me just at the sight of his gorgeous arrogant face.

"But I'm sorry," I continued stubbornly. "I'm sorry because I can't go back now and make things right."

"Why not?" Jack asked, looking up at me with a flicker of hope shining in his eyes. "I forgive you, Hays. I understand what happened with Josh and I accept it." No, Jack. You don't understand anything. "As long as it doesn't happen again… I mean, your relationship is over, right? That was just a crazy accident. You were tired and love-sick…" He waited for me to nod and confirm his words. But I couldn't because he was totally wrong.

"I'm sorry, Jack…" As soon as I said that, Alex grunted and rolled his eyes so obviously I felt like slapping him. "Oh, will you stop it!?"

"No! You're gonna fuck him up again, aren't you?" Alex pointed an angry finger at my face while he shouted. "Why can't you just say 'Yes, Jack, I fucking love you because you deserve it, you perfect man' and get over with it!? But NO, instead you start with 'I'm sorry, Jack' and then you just fuck it up again! Why, Hayley? Why!?" He grabbed my shoulders as if to shake me and I squeezed my eyes shut in fear. But instead, he pulled back shakily and passed his hand through his hair, staring into nothing while the rage slowly left his eyes.

"Because…" I took a shuddering breath, holding back my tears. "Because I love Josh." Jack's expression already made me want to break down in sobs, but I knew I had to keep going or it would never come out. "And I didn't just make out with him. I slept with him. And I'm… I'm pregnant."

Both their heads snapped up at that. Alex stared at me with a new anger etched into the lines of his face while Jack looked perfectly numb, as if his face muscles were too tired to move anymore. The light that shined in them was gone, replaced by the shadow of a deep disappointment.

"So it's really over then, is it?" he whispered.

I gulped. I didn't want to cry in front of Jack's 'friend' so I bit my lip and held it back. "I'm sorry."

"Come on, let's go," Alex said, suddenly grabbing Jack's arm and pulling him in the other direction. Jack followed without conviction, letting himself be dragged like a puppet.

And once again, I felt lonely as ever. Sitting down on the dirty ground, I let my tears fall and looked down at the only one who could understand me. The very consequence of my stupidity, and the cause of so much more pain. "Hey, buddy."


	25. Chapter 25

25

Hayley's POV

I dialed the number with assurance, no longer terrified of what was on the other side of the phone line—or so I tried to convince myself. My mom sat behind me, watching my every move carefully, ready to face just about anything. But I wasn't planning on making a scene this time. I kept a hard expression on my face and repeated my speech in my head.

I pressed the handset against my ear and waited for the ringing to be interrupted. Hopefully, he would actually answer his own phone this time instead of asking his friend to do it for him.

"Hello?"

It was him. I sighed in relief. Then, just like I expected, a sudden wave of panic overwhelmed me. Tightening my grip on the phone and twirling the wire around my finger, I promised myself to stay calm and began, "Josh, it's me. I wanted to talk to you about the… baby." I swallowed back the bitter taste crawling up my throat and shot a panicked glance toward my mom who nodded encouragingly. I took a deep breath and got straight to the point. "I'm getting an abortion."

I felt the sickening guilt of betrayal weigh on me after saying this. Not towards Josh, but towards the thing in my belly, as if it could hear me and it knew what I was planning to do with it. I ignored it and waited for Josh's answer.

"Are you sure?" he asked in a small voice after a minute of silence.

"Yes," I said firmly. I had spent hours deliberating with my mom on whether I was ready to do this or not. In the end, we had reached the conclusion that I wasn't ready, but I was even less ready to have a baby. It just wasn't the right time. I was not changing my mind.

"Ok," he whispered so weakly I wondered if it was just my imagination. My mother took my hand and squeezed it just as Josh was hanging up without another word. I placed the handset back in its cradle and smiled weakly at her.

"I love you," she said with tears in her soft voice. "It'll be alright."

* * *

Josh's POV

Unfortunately, after Ian had broken Matt's mom's precious blue vase, she had not only banned him from her house, but she'd also banned him AND me from having any contact with Matt whatsoever—as if this had anything to do with me. Obviously, none of that had been my fault, but Matt's mom had spent the last few weeks just begging for an excuse to keep me away from him, and this was it.

Which is why, after Hayley called to tell me something I had been expecting for a while now, I had no one to go whine to.

But I wasn't exactly the type of guy who would give up in front of the first obstacle. I quickly escaped from my house like a ninja—ok, so I told my mom I was going for a walk—and ran like lightning all the way to Matt's. I got there without any trouble and just stood contemplating the house for a second.

Now came the hard part.

I wondered if I could just throw stuff at his window like I used to do with Hayley or if that would be too awkward. Before I could decide though, the front door opened and out came his dad, rubbing his mustache and frowning at the paper in his hands. I leaped behind the car in the driveway as fast as I could and landed on my hands. That hurt.

I spied the short man through the windows of the car until he returned inside with a pile of mail. Breathing out slowly, I got up and examined my hands. Bloody, of course. "Ouch."

But it didn't matter. I ran to the back of the house and spotted Matt's window. Since it was on the first floor I realised that I didn't really have to throw anything; I could just knock…

"What the fuck are you doing here, man?" Matt asked as soon as he opened the window. "Gosh, don't knock on my fucking window! I almost had a fucking heart attack!"

Wow, I had never heard Matt swear this much. "Calm down man!" I chuckled and tried patting his shoulder but he backed away.

"I'm perfectly calm, Josh! Do you know what my mom will do if she finds out you're here?"

"She'll kill you?" I guessed.

"YES! Exactly! So leave!"

Ow, that was rude. "But there's something I have to tell you! It's important!"

Matt rolled his eyes and tried closing the window in my face but I stopped him with my bloody hand. "Hayley's getting an abortion!" I yelled.

As soon as I said that, Matt froze and his eyes widened. He pushed the window open again and sighed. "Ok. Fine. You can come in." I smiled weakly as he helped me up through the window and into his room. "What the fuck happened to your hands?" he asked when he saw the pink lines filled with blood and dirt that covered my palms.

"Long story," I muttered. He stared at me expectantly, that familiar cunning smile growing on his lips. I gave up with a grunt and told him. "I fell on my hands trying to hide from your dad."

He burst out laughing and waved his pinky finger in front of my face. "I guess we're even now, eh?" I smiled as I remembered how he'd broken his finger trying to follow me at Warped. Ah, good times. "So, anyway," Matt began, leaning against the window I had just crossed, "Hayley's getting rid of it, huh?" I nodded slowly, biting my lip. "And are you happy about that?"

I have no idea, Matt.

"It's so strange because I hate the thing," I started slowly, "and I wish it had never existed. But now that it does… it feels wrong to just delete it." I made it sound like a computer file. "I don't know, maybe I'm just crazy."

My thoughts were a blur. I couldn't even understand my own feelings anymore. Why did I hate it so much when it actually hadn't done anything wrong and I was the one to blame, the guilty idiot? And if I hated it so much, why did I feel the need to protect it? Matt didn't say anything. I kind of appreciated that he didn't feel the need to fill up the silence with stupid encouragements.

"Do you think it would hurt her?" I asked in order to get my mind off those answerless questions.

"Like, physically?" Matt inquired. I nodded. He shrugged and tried holding back his smile. "Well Josh, I never got an abortion before. So, I suppose I'll go get pregnant now and I'll get back to you with that."

I punched his shoulder and tried to look angry. "Shut the hell up!" I knew I was smiling though, so he couldn't really take me seriously.

"Well… I could go ask Nicole about it," he said after a second.

"Nicole?" That sounded like a fifty-year-old fortune-teller with breast implants. Matt looked so uncomfortable all of a sudden that I wondered if I had accidentally said that out loud. His face went through about twenty shades of red before it settled for an Elmo-driving-a-fire-truck kind of colour. "Dude, are you alright!?" I tried controlling my laughter while I fanned his face with a notebook that was lying around.

"She's just a girl, ok!?" He shoved the notebook away and stared angrily at the ground.

"Uh oh, Matty's got a girlfriend…" I teased, laying my head of his shoulder romantically.

"Go away!" He jumped away from the wall and sat on his bed with his arm crossed like a little kid. Yup, that's my best friend right there.

"So… how long has this been going on?" I didn't want to be annoying but… Ah, who am I kidding? Of course I wanted to be annoying.

"We've been together for about two weeks, I guess," Matt finally muttered after pouting for a minute.

My jaw dropped. "Two weeks!? Two whole fucking weeks!? Why didn't you tell me earlier!?" To be honest, I felt a bit betrayed. I told him everything all the time and he didn't even have the nerve to tell me about his girlfriend?

"Well… you never really cared about this kind of stuff…" he said sadly.

That's when I realised how right he was. I was always so caught up in my own problems that I never took time to actually listen to Matt's. The only thing he ever talked to me about was music—which wasn't bad, but compared to all I told HIM…

It wasn't his fault that he didn't tell me about 'this kind of stuff,' it was mine. What kind of friend was I?

"I'm sorry I never took time to listen to you, Matt," I said sombrely.

"It's ok, dude!" He chuckled and shrugged it off as if it didn't matter, but it only made me feel more like a jerk.

An irresponsible jerk who was so good at fucking up everybody else's lives.

My baby was so unlucky to have me as a father. Either way, it didn't really matter anymore since that baby wouldn't survive for too long.

Argh, why did that thought make my stomach hurt and my knees weak? I didn't want Hayley to kill it. It was mine too and I had a right to stop her. I had to protect it. It was my purpose, my ONLY purpose. For once I actually had a goal, I was actually needed somewhere. It was all very clear to me suddenly.

I had a mission. I had to save our child. And I would not fail this time.

Code Red, agent Ramsay.


	26. Chapter 26

26

Josh's POV

Let me tell you a little story.

One day, I was peacefully mowing the lawn in front of my house, thinking up extravagant plans to rescue a slimy creature the size of a bean from its own mother. . There wasn't anyone else around—even on a hot sunny day like today. Or so I thought. But all of a sudden, someone honked me. Obviously, and despite the aggressive noise of the lawnmower that somewhat muffled the sound of the honk, I jumped about a thousand miles.

Turning off the lawnmower, I enjoyed the silence for a second before turning to the pathetic red-going-on-brown vehicle parked right in front of the driveway. I tried making out a face through the windshield, but all I could see was the reflection of the clear blue sky. Whoever was in there was either flashing me a big friendly smile or giving me the finger, but all I could do was shrug and make stupid faces. Finally, the door opened and out came my FAVOURITE person on the planet: Mr. Sheep-Man. I was surprised he had the mental capacity to drive without running into a stop sign.

"Hey, Josh!" he greeted happily, walking all over the beautiful cut-up grass I was suddenly very fond of.

I frowned. I was not in the mood to play Nice Guy. "How the fuck did you find my house?" I remembered clearly that we'd only given him Matt's address.

"Hey, don't be mad! Matt told me where you lived." First of all, it's 'your friend Matthew' to you, twirl-head. And second of all, why the fuck would Matt do that?!

I was suddenly very aware of my very short cargo pants—which I used to wear in elementary school—and my dad's very large t-shirt that I had randomly picked up somewhere and that was most likely unwashed, not to mention the pathetic fluffy pink slippers on my feet that my sister had passed me since I couldn't find mine... In other words, I might as well have been naked. I wanted to evaporate so that Ian wouldn't see me anymore.

"I'm not exactly having guests right now," I said as coolly as possible.

Ian's eyebrows went down in confusion. "But I thought the meeting was today..."

I lost my patience. "What fucking meeting?!"

Just then, a second car appeared around the corner and sped up before braking roughly right in front of us. This one was shiny and new, and apparently the driver was even newer. I swear I heard a bump when the car hit Ian's wreck of a vehicle during the perilous action that is parking.

Who the hell was this? Had Matt finally learned how to drive? That's when Matt walked out of the right side of the pretty car, smiling brightly at me like it was Christmas. Ok, so it wasn't him—unless he was being a badass by driving from the passenger seat. From the other side of the car—just to shatter my Matt-being-a-badass theory—came a tall blonde that looked like she's walked right out of a magazine. Her face mirrored Matt's and for a second I wondered if they were laughing at my choice of clothes.

"Hey, Josh!" Well, I was already sick of hearing that.

"What the fuck, man?" I mouthed before grabbing Matt's sleeve and pulling him away from the other intruders. "What is Ian doing here?" I asked in an angry whisper. "And who's the blonde? And where's Chubby Toby?"

Matt instantly put on his annoyed face—so adorable—when I called his scooter that. It was just too easy to piss him off.

"'The blonde'," he began, his fingers illustrating quotation marks on either side of his face, "is Nicole." He cleared his throat before adding, "My girlfriend." I smiled widely but he avoided my taunting expression, staring at something behind me. "That's her car," he said in case I hadn't already figured that out. "And Ian is here because I invited him."

"Wait, wait," I said quickly. "You invited him? At MY house?"

"Well, my mom wants him out of mine!" he replied defensively.

"Yeah, but it's MY house. My house, my rules, Matty." He rolled his eyes and started to walk away. "Hey, wait a second!" Ignoring me, he showed Ian and Nicole to the door and let them in. Inside MY fucking house.

I had no choice but to follow them. Closing the door behind me, I watched helplessly as they took a seat on the wide leather couch. Nicole sat straight with her hands placed lightly on her knees like a true lady. Man, this girl was hot. Matt had sure hit jackpot.

"So, where's the studio?" she asked in a high-pitched voice.

"Excuse me!?" I eyed her in confusion, apprehending what was coming next.

"Well, isn't that where you guys play?" she asked innocently.

Matt, what the hell did you tell her? "We don't play anywhere. We actually don't even PLAY," I informed her, shooting a bitter glance at Matt.

Nicole looked at him too, questioning with her eyes. A few heavy seconds passed and then Ian broke the silence. "Wait, what's this about?"

"I thought I came here to hear your band!" Nicole shouted, looking around for an answer.

"I didn't even know anyone was supposed to BE here," I shouted back. While part of me was highly frustrated, the other part was actually finding this pretty funny.

"Matt!" Nicole squeaked, waiting for an explanation.

Matt smiled innocently and, looking down, he said, "Ok, I lied. Nicky, I know I told you we were gonna play today, but the truth is… we don't. But since you're here, now we have to." His smile turned proud as he waited for someone to applaud his genius plan.

"So… I'm your motivation?" She looked disgusted at that idea.

I sighed loud enough for everyone to hear. "Matt, that really wasn't necessary. If you were that desperate to start this band, you could've just said so."

"But I've been saying so for months!" Well, he had a point.

"Hey, hey!" Ian interrupted. "Let's all just cool down and show this lovely lady what we got. Josh, why don't you show us that studio?" He grinned at me condescendingly and I looked away. Fucking peace-maker. Who the hell did he think he was, Jesus!?

My sister Sara chose that exact moment to frolic into the room joyfully. Before I could say anything to Ian, she stopped short and gasped at the sight of us. "Whoa, Josh, you sure are popular!" Pointing her finger, she pretended to count. "One, two... three people! You actually have as many as THREE friends?! What did you do, chance your haircut?"

"Shut up, Sara." I knew she was joking, but sometimes it kind of stung. "Let's go." I walked past Sara without a glance at her, straight to the tiny studio hidden in the deepest corner of our basement. It was relatively new, and not too useful, since dad obviously had another much bigger one downtown. But at least it gave him an excuse not to bring me there all the time—other than, 'Son, you're not ten years old anymore!' You just read that in a deep voice, didn't you?

So, we went into the tiny studio and got to work. It wasn't exactly the London Symphony Orchestra, but we did manage to play Happy Birthday and the first two lines of the national anthem. Nicole was a whole lot more supportive than I expected—I later learned from Matt that she was a cheerleader, which explained a lot. Surprisingly enough, I actually managed to have a little fun. Ian may have been a total asshole, but he was a hell of a good drummer. And Matt was creative as always.

Yes, life was good.

That is, until my stupid sister decided to disturb us again. I don't know what was wrong with her, but lately she'd stopped being my favourite sister in the world. She was just so direct, throwing insults around like there was no tomorrow.

"Hey, twat," she greeted, interrupting our awesome conversation about the health benefits of hamburgers.

"Hey, Sara," I said slowly, trying not to lose my cool.

"What's up?" What do you care? We all watched her in silence until she sighed and closed the door behind her wearily. "Listen, I'm sorry if I've been a little rough with you lately." Oh, so now she was doing this in front of the only three people I could call 'friends'? This was a fucking trap. "I've just been pretty stressed, you know? With college and all that… But I wanna make it up to you."

I pursed my lips, keeping a straight face. "How?"

"I don't know… however you want. I can help you find that girl of yours again." She giggled like there was something funny about that statement.

"Don't mention Hayley! Ever!" I roared at her, making everyone jump. Ouch, where did all the anger come from? I steadied myself and waited for her reaction.

"Sorry…" she said again. "What's the problem? Why don't you wanna talk about her?" Seriously Sara, is it that hard to figure out? "Josh?" I didn't want to answer that dumb question. I didn't want to talk about Hayley or her stupid baby or any of that.

"Maybe you should tell her," Matt suggested in a whisper. I felt like turning on my heels to face him and slap him. With my guitar.

"Tell me what?" Sara asked, getting suspicious. I felt Nicole and Ian's heavy stared on me but I kept my eyes on my sister.

"Hayley's…" No, I couldn't tell her. I couldn't tell all of them. I felt my cheeks getting hot while I searched for an escape from this horrible situation. But all I could think of was my utter panic. "She's…" I shot a desperate glance at Matt before remembering that this was all his fault.

He shrugged and turned to Sara. "The thing is, Josh doesn't really wanna talk about it." You don't say, genius. At least he didn't tell her.

"Talk about what?" Nicole asked angrily. "Jeez, if you're gonna start a top secret conversation, don't do it in front of people who have no idea what you're talking about!" She grabbed Matt's shoulder. "You! You can tell me what this is about, right?" She looked at him in such a romantic way that I already knew he would fall for it.

And he did. "Well, the truth is…" He sighed and looked at me for approval, but all I could do was stare back helplessly. "Hayley used to be Josh's girlfriend when he lived in the US, a few years ago." He pretended to talk only to Nicole, but everyone else was listening carefully to finally understand the full version of the story I so wished to keep to myself. "But then Josh moved back here and they were forced apart. But then, Hayley started a band and they did Warped Tour and thus, came here where she met Josh again. And then…" He cleared his throat uneasily. "Josh got her pregnant." There was a general wave of gasps as three accusing glares fell on me. I felt like throwing up. "A—And now," Matt stammered uneasily, "Hayley wants to get rid of it, but I'm not sure Josh is entirely ok with that…"

Awesome, wanna tell them about my drug problems too, while you're at it? Or maybe tell them my bank account number? I was never telling this guy my secrets EVER again.

I expected them to frown at me forever. To leave and abandon me all alone for all I was worth. To stay at least ten feet away from me at all times. The band project was obviously ruined, 'cause I didn't see how Ian would ever talk to me again. And Matt would probably leave me too, so he could stay with his girlfriend who now hated me and was sure I was some kind of rapist.

Or anyway, that's what I thought.

But instead, Sara suddenly went, "Oh, poor twat…" and Nicole got up from her chair purposefully.

"We're gonna help you save that baby!" she said with conviction, smiling at me. "Come on, who's with me!?" Ian nodded approvingly—probably at Nicole's physique—and Sara gave me a one-armed hug that I subtly escaped from as fast as I could.

"Hey, I have an idea!" she said with excitement. "Dad's going on a business trip to America in two days! Maybe you could convince him to take you!"

I snickered. "Yeah right, like he'd actually agree to take me somewhere he isn't even going so I can stop a girl from getting an abortion."

"Maybe you can sneak into his car when he's not looking," Ian proposed. He hadn't said anything in a while, and I sort of wished that hadn't changed.

"Hey, that's a great idea!" Nicole squealed. "Oh my God, let's plan this out! What else do you know, Sara?" The excitement with which flared the next conversation was disturbing. Even Matt seemed to have fun planning out my escape from this fake prison I was stuck in.

I didn't say much, but to be honest, this whole thing filled me with a hope I hadn't even had the courage to feel.

Operation Save-the-Baby was born.

* * *

Hayley's POV

I ignored Josh's phone calls until they became very rare and eventually ceased. It only took about two days.

I felt bad every time I watched my phone ring, like it was begging me to answer but I was too cruel to do it. In fact, everything I did made me feel cruel. When I put bread in the toaster, I felt like I was torturing it. When I took a shower, every drop of water that splashed onto the bathtub seemed to scream in pain. Everything from walking in my slippers to squeezing the tube of toothpaste made me feel horrible and terribly guilty. I felt like a murderer, so much that I had to stop myself from turning myself in to the police.

I suppose it was a symptom of abortion and all that was behind that word. But I had to fight it. I had to fight it because there was no other way.

Nothing could stop me.


	27. Chapter 27

27

Hayley's POV

Singing Paramore songs made me cry. I couldn't stand it. The band had fallen apart completely. Zac and his brother hated me, Jeremy had regretfully told me he was leaving and Jack… Well, Jack might as well have been dead.

But it didn't matter so much anymore.

I was pretty sure I had never been this sad before. I had never been so alone. Nightmare after nightmare drowned my thoughts into an inky sea of regret. My rationality told me that I had done the right thing, that there had been no other choice. Unfortunately, my rationality was nothing but an atrophied ghost now, fighting to take over again but standing no chance in front of the colossal wall of pain that surrounded my reason.

There was nothing I craved more than him. I wished he would throw pebbles at my window again, like he had done once upon a time. I wished I could see him standing there in my backyard, waving hello with that little smile of his that made me melt. I wished he would hold me in his arms, the only place I felt safe, and tell me that everything would be okay. I would have believed him.

But he was gone. Forever. There was nothing here for him. He had no reason not to forget me. Not anymore.

* * *

Josh's POV

The plan was simple. Sara had to distract dad while Matt and Ian got me into the trunk of his car—hopefully they'd manage to get my whole six feet two inches in there—and Nicole looked out for intruders so that our little scheme had no witnesses. It wasn't exactly a war strategy, but it sounded like a good idea. To me, anyway.

When the big day came though, I wasn't so sure anymore. First of all, my dad was taking the small car. The smallest car, the tiny little piece of scrap that miraculously hadn't blown up yet. Despite the fact that we had three cars and either of the other two would've been perfect for his needs, my dad insisted on using that thing under the pretense that it had been in his family for decades—you can imagine what it looked like.

So my chances of fitting in there without having to cut off my feet had dropped dramatically.

Second of all, it was raining. No need to explain how that was a bad thing. And lastly, since my dad was leaving at seven in the morning, we all had to get up early. I was surprised to see that everyone was at the rendez-vous and hadn't decided to bail on us.

"Anything for Operation Save-the-Baby!" had been Ian's answer after I'd told him about it. I wasn't sure if this guy actually cared about my personal life or if he was trying to get something outta me. He was probably really desperate about this whole band thing and wanted to get on my good side. As if.

At six forty-nine, we were all in place and ready for action. As soon as dad unlocked the car, Sara dragged him back to the house before giving him a rib-crushing hug and starting a long and complicated conversation to keep him busy. I knew I could count on her.

Nicole, who was hiding behind a tree, gave us a thumbs-up. Ian, Matt and I jumped out of the bushes like ninjas, sprinting to the car. The rain had us shivering in no time, but we wouldn't let that distract us. While Ian glanced nervously at my dad and Matt made eye-contact with Nicole, I opened the trunk. Jeez, I would never fit in there. Ever. Even if I was an elastic dwarf I wouldn't be able to get my whole body in there.

"Come on!" Ian urged.

"Wait!" Matt whispered harshly. He pointed Nicole who was waving her arms at us frantically. Panicking, I swept the surroundings with my eyes and finally saw what she was seeing. My mom was coming out of the house, reading the list she'd made of all the things dad had to bring on his trip. Dammit, Sara, you could've stopped her! Ian, Matt and I quickly hid behind the car right before my mom raised her eyes from her list to stare angrily at the dark sky.

"Do you have your passport!?" she yelled at dad as if the rain was noisy enough to muffle her voice. I couldn't hear his answer—apparently he didn't feel the need to yell—but I guessed it was an annoyed 'duh.' "Are you sure this car is big enough!?" my mom shouted. I felt like standing up and clapping. Thank you, mom, thank you. Unfortunately, dad's answer must've been the same as the first time, so I guesses we had to go back to the 'cut Josh's feet off' option.

"How long do we have to wait here? It's freezing!" Matt pointed out as if we hadn't noticed, holding his sides with shaky arms. I shot him a glance that was enough to shut him up again.

"Do you have your suitcase!?" came mom's voice again. I stopped breathing for a second. Shit. Nobody had thought of that! How the hell was I supposed to fit in a trunk the size of a crib with a suitcase in it?

Hearing footsteps getting closer, the three of us crawled to the front of the car, doing our best to hide from my dad, who was now hauling his suitcase across the lawn to the trunk, and my mom who was running back to the house. Stretching my neck to see the front door, I managed to throw Sara a dirty look. She shrugged apologetically and looked away.

"Why's this open?" I heard my dad mutter when he reached the car. Oops, we'd left the trunk open. Oh well, we had bigger problems ahead. Once dad returned to the house to get the last few items and Sara closed the door behind him, Ian, Matt and I jumped out from our hiding place and opened the trunk again to examine the situation. Well, unless I figured out a way to shrink myself, I don't know how I would fit in there.

"Would the backseat work?" Ian proposed.

"Risky," I said, "But worth a try." That said, we slammed the trunk closed and hurried to the door on the side of the car. Matt opened it for me—what a gentleman—and I lay down across the three seats, making myself as small as possible.

Matt made a face and Ian crossed his arms thoughtfully. "I dunno, Josh. You're too visible," he said matter-of-factly.

"Oh, sorry, my invisibility button's broken." He grunted but otherwise ignored my remark.

"How about if you moved over there," Matt said innocently, pointing the space between the backseat and the front seats—in other words, the floor.

"Oh, of course Matt. Right on the ground. Genius. How 'bout I just go UNDER the car while we're at it."

"You were ready to spend fifteen hours in a trunk," he said slowly, "but you're not gonna do it over there?" He had a point.

Before I could answer, Ian poked Matt's shoulder. "Um, Nicole's saying something," he told him. I stood up quickly and saw Nicole doing that wavy thing with her arms again. Uh-oh. Right then, Matt and Ian slammed the door, almost breaking my ankles in the process, and crouched under the window so I couldn't see them anymore. Glancing behind me through the window, I saw my dad walking back towards the car.

Realising it was my only escape, I slid between the seats, annoyed by the fact that I had to do what Matt wanted. A few seconds later, I heard the door open and saw my dad climbing into the driver's seat. I supposed Matt and Ian had managed to escape into the bushes before he saw them. The engine roared and sputtered—jeez, stupid old cars—and then we were moving.

He didn't even see me. We were on our way to the States and my dad didn't even know I was there. I was on my way to Hayley. The hardest part was over.

Holy shit, we did it.


	28. Chapter 28

28

Josh's POV

It only took me about twenty minutes to realise that this was the dumbest idea I'd ever agreed to. Hiding in my dad's car for fifteen hours—or even more, who knew?—just so I could make it into the United States—that is, if I got past the customs without being seen and sent to jail with the illegal immigrants—and then what? How would I get from California, or wherever my dad was going for his business trip, to where Hayley lived without a) starving, b) getting lost, c) getting lost AND starving, d) being killed by mom who, after realising I had vanished, would travel the entire world to find me and murder me slowly with her own hands?

In the end, I decided that the best thing to do was to emerge from my cold and wet hiding place—you know, the space between the backseat and front seats of a car, where people usually put their stinky feet—and reveal my presence to dad at a safe moment. And by "a safe moment" I mean "while he isn't driving" because dying in a car accident wasn't really on my bucket list.

So I waited, feeling a little more ridiculous each second. I almost fell asleep—something I had been unable to do the previous night due to my overexcitement—when all of a sudden the immobility of the car struck me. Sometime during my state of almost-sleep, we had stopped.

I sat up carefully, hiding behind the passenger seat to peak at my dad. Just as I expected, he wasn't there. Good. I checked the surroundings through the window to make sure he wouldn't spot me and stepped out of the car. We were in a gas station—no surprise there. Knowing him, I supposed dad was probably in the bathroom.

If I got back in the car and smiled brightly at him when he returned, would he have a heart attack? Maybe it was better if I waited for him right there, on my two feet—just reducing the creepiness to its minimum.

While I patiently stood there, I glanced at the licence plates of the passing cars thoughtfully. I don't know why, but that was always entertaining. For instance, did the dude pay a bonus for his three numbers to be 007 or it's just a coincidence? And that motto, "Beautiful British Columbia." I mean is that conceited or what? And cheesy too.

Wait a minute, we were still in Canada? Jeez, was my dad taking a detour through the North Pole? At this rate it would take forty years to reach Hayley. Maybe we weren't even that far from home yet…

Uh oh. What if we actually weren't that far from home and dad would decide to bring me back? That was NOT part of the plan. I was supposed to come out when we were already too far to turn ba—

"What the f… udge!?" Damn, there he was, dressed like a hobo as always—guess it was genetic. "Josh, what the h… What are you doing here!?" I had to appreciate the fact that he tried so hard not to swear around me. "Uhh, hellooo?" He waved his hand in front of my face and I blinked in surprise, trying my best to focus.

"Hey, dad." That is not what I call focus. "Ok, look, I was hiding in the car because I have to get into the United States in order to see Hayley—my girlfriend—but I was afraid you would refuse if I simply asked you…"

"Damn right, I would refuse!" he nearly yelled back before opening the passenger door and shoving me onto the seat. I have to admit, I had never seen my dad so angry before. "I'm taking you back home right now. And don't you EVER pull a stunt like that again or I swear I am dumping you on the side of the road!" His glare made me wanna melt and evaporate through the AC. I didn't really have the guts—or the breath—to say anything anymore so I stared out the windshield in shock, feeling the disappointment slowly creep in as I understood what was happening to me.

We were going back.

* * *

Hayley's POV

I knew this number. It was Jack. But why would Jack be calling me? What else would he have to tell me? Expecting with apprehension his frail, pained voice, I picked up my phone.

"Hello?" I said hesitantly.

"Hey! It's Jack! How's it going?" This was not the sad little voice I'd heard before. He actually sounded happy and excited. And he'd actually asked me how it was going as if I could tell him anything good without lying.

"Fine, I guess," I answered flatly. "What's up?"

"Um, Hays, something happened." Now he sounded nervous. "And it's really important but…"

"Yes?"

"Well, I mean, it's not THAT important but I just thought you should know."

"What!?" I squealed in frustration.

He grunted. "You know what? It doesn't really matter. I just wanted to thank you." I could hear the smile in his voice and it made me smile too. But I still hadn't found out what he wanted to tell me and it was already starting to drive me nuts.

"Jack, what did you want to tell me?"

"It's nothing, I told you!"

"It didn't sound like nothing." I was not giving up.

He sighed. "I'll tell you later, ok? I swear I will NOT forget. Besides, you'll probably find out on your own anyway…"

"Jack!" But he'd already hung up. Immediately, I started thinking about what it could be. Getting my find off the past events of my life sure felt great.

He seemed happy again—VERY happy—and he had thanked me, so that could only mean one thing, right?

…

He'd gotten himself a new girlfriend. He wasn't hurting over me anymore, and he was grateful that I'd let him go and allowed him to find this new girl who was better and smarter and more faithful than me… Made sense.

Still, I couldn't stop the huge knot from building up in my stomach at the thought that I'd lost him for good now. Whatever small chance there still was that he'd forgive me and return to me was totally gone. He didn't need me anymore. Not like I needed him.

And I could think of only one person I needed more than him. But his chance of coming back had never even existed.

* * *

Josh's POV

"Dad, I'm going to open this door and jump out."

He laughed. "Yeah, and then I'm gonna have to scrape you off the highway with a pocketknife."

After that I commenced a minute of moping with my arms crossed. I even considered forcing a few tears. Anything to convince him to turn back.

But it just wouldn't happen.

"Dad, please," I tried once again. "I HAVE to see her." I hadn't told him about the baby yet 'cause I was afraid it would have the opposite effect. After all, what I was trying to do here was very dumb, irresponsible and disrespectful to Hayley; my dad may be a reckless man, but he was still grown up enough to see that. So I kept begging uselessly, thinking up other ways to get what I wanted.

"Josh, I can't bring you to see her because you have to let her go," he explained, "It's just too complicated, this relationship of yours. She has a LIFE over there. I'm sorry to say this but she probably doesn't even... need you." Ouch. He was right. She didn't need me.

Nobody needed me. I leaned my head on the window in defeat, watching the licence plates again. But it wasn't any fun and I couldn't get my mind off his words. 'She has a LIFE over there. She doesn't need you.' No, she has Jack. She's happy with him.

Almost as if it was in sync with my mood, it started to pour like it had that morning. The rain fell just like my chances of ever smiling again. I didn't have to force the tears out anymore, I had to force them back in.

Suddenly, a story dad had once told me vaguely came back to me. It was about how him and mom had been pulled apart when they were young by mom moving to Alberta. Dad had then secretly stolen his parents' car to visit her and ask her to marry him. The resemblance with my own situation was pretty striking.

"What if your father had kept you from driving all the way to Calgary to see mom that day?" I asked before I could stop myself

His eyes flickered to me and stayed there for a second before focusing back on the road. "That's different," he said slowly. "It was a different city, not a different country."

"Cars are faster these days."

The look he gave me made it very clear that I'd better shut up. Well, at least I'd tried.

And then suddenly, he pulled over on the side on the road. I looked at him in confusion, a flicker of hope lighting up inside me. Dad sighed heavily and turned to me gravely. "How important is this to you, exactly?"

"Important enough that I would walk all the way there if I could," I answered in a small voice, thanking my brain for coming up with that.

Dad bit his lip and I did the same. We stood there for a second and then he muttered something that sounded like "Fine," and turned the car around before heading in the opposite direction. "But if your mother finds out I agreed to this, she is going to burn both of us alive."

I felt so happy in that moment I almost wanted to cry again—but dad wouldn't really approve so I settled for smiling as widely as I could. "Thank you so much, dad! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I gripped his arm and squeezed it but he shook me off awkwardly.

"Uh, don't mention it." He seemed disturbed by my sudden wave of joy, but I didn't care. We were on our way to Hayley for the second time that day, and this time I knew I would reach her. I would finally save our goddamn baby.


	29. Chapter 29

29

Hayley's POV

If I could describe the next day in one word, I would call it perfect. It was the best day of my life. Of course, it helped that the previous days had been hell and so this one felt, in contrast, incredible. But I have some good reasons to call it a perfect day.

It all started when my doorbell rang at eleven thirty-two in the morning. My mom was out shopping and I was drying my hair after a shower, so when I finally heard it, it must've been ringing for a while. That's why, as I was running down the stairs, I figured that whoever was there was desperate enough to wait for me without leaving, and immediately my mind flew to one person. Josh. Of course, I shook the thought out of my mind quickly, cursing my stupid impulsive subconscious.

When I opened the door, it was obviously not Josh I saw on the other side, but nevertheless, I was surprised.

"Hi, Hays!" Jack greeted with a smile I hadn't seen on him in a long time. He looked a whole lot better than he had last time I'd seen him; his face had lost its frightening gauntness and the circles around his eyes were barely visible anymore.

"Jack… Uh, hey!" I forced a grin, feeling inappropriate and dumb. After what I'd done to him, I didn't see how I still had the right to smile in front of him. But he didn't seem to mind. He practically waddled inside, pretending to examine the house a little before turning on his heels and knocking the breath out of me with a bear hug.

"I missed you, dwarfie," he said, ruffling my still-wet hair. I passed my hands over it quickly, holding back a giggle. That's when I noticed my very BEST friend standing right beside us, just a teensy bit too far as if he was just there to make sure everything was alright.

"Hey there, Hayley," he said when he noticed I was looking at him.

"Hello, Alex…" He smiled feebly but it looked more like a grimace. "So, you guys want a drink or something?" The best thing to say when in danger of awkward silences.

"Uh, Coke?" Alex said after a second.

"Can you make me a Shirley Temple?" Jack asked enthusiastically.

I rolled my eyes. "Will regular Sprite do?"

He faked a pouty face and accepted the glass I handed him reluctantly. Alex was obviously holding back his laughter. I pretended not to notice while I handed him his Coke and poured myself a glass as well.

"So what are you guys doing here?" I felt kind of rude to ask that, but I needed to know. I mean, last time we'd seen each other, it felt like a pretty definitive goodbye. I never thought we'd be having drinks at my house after that.

There was a general uneasiness in the air following my question. Finally, Jack began, "There's something I have to tell you. I was gonna tell you over the phone but then I thought you'd take it better if I showed you instead..."

"Showed me? So it's not a new girlfriend then?" He hadn't brought any girl with him, so my theory was failing.

Jack bit his lip. Alex stared at him intently, seeming to anticipate his next move with clenched fists. "Just tell her, dude," he muttered through his teeth.

Jack took a deep breath. Suddenly, a loud noise caught our attention and he turned what were to be his words into a long sigh. I ran to the door again and peaked outside. There was a very old brown vehicle parked in front of our driveway, and I understood that the noise had been a honk—a very ancient-sounding honk.

And then, someone stepped out of the car.

* * *

Josh's POV

The drive to Sheridan, Wyoming had been a peaceful one. I'd ended up telling dad everything even though I'd promised myself I wouldn't. It was ok though, he didn't seem TOO angry and he hadn't turned back. I guess playing the mom card had been a good idea on my part. I mean, what if Hayley was to be my wife and our child would discover the cure to cancer or become president? Couldn't take any chances.

Unfortunately, dad insisted on stopping for the night and I had agreed on the condition that we left extremely early the next morning—not that I had a choice or anything. So here we were the next morning, after another five hours in the rusty old car, watching Hayley's house in awe.

"So, uh, you gonna go ring the bell?" dad asked expectantly.

"You could honk," I proposed.

"Isn't that impolite?" He rested his head on his hand and his elbow on the steering wheel, looking tired and annoyed.

Just as I was about to shut up and do as he said, an irritating loud noise made us jump.

"Fuck!" I covered my mouth with my hand right after that escaped from it.

Dad frowned but let it go. Instead, he said, "I think your dream just came true."

In fact, the sound we'd heard was dad accidentally following my advice by honking with his elbow—well ACTUALLY, I must admit, that had been me controlling his mind with my radioactive superpowers.

A few seconds later, the door opened just a crack and a curtain of light brown hair fell from behind it. Her flawless face followed, twisted into an expression of confusion. I have to say, I had forgotten how unbelievably perfect she was.

I felt a nudge against my arm and saw my dad's amused smirk as he stared at me. "Well, what are you waiting for?"

So I stepped outside. As soon as she saw me, Hayley cupped her hands over her mouth and nose. She looked like she was going to cry. Crossing the distance between us in half a second, I wrapped my arms around her and held her tight, happy to feel her warm body against me again. I buried my face in her hair while she lifted herself on her toes to put her arms around my neck.

I had given myself one rule: no kissing. I had made enough of a mess already. No need to push it. At least let her get used to me and my stupid request and then we'll see…

Oh, yeah. The request. "Um, Hayles?" I pulled away from her just a little in order to look her in the eye. Those huge, innocent green eyes… Dammit man, pull yourself together. "Can I ask you something… I mean, ask something of you, uh…" I took a shuddering breath. "Please don't do it, Hayles. Don't kill it." My own pitifulness made me wince.

She stared at me with an unreadable expression for a second and then mouthed, "What?" She wasn't asking what I meant though, I could tell she understood. So then what was she asking?

Quickly, she pulled herself out of my embrace and shook her head energetically. "Josh… the baby…"

The baby what? "Yes?"

"I am so sorry, but it's already gone."

I felt as if the world had split in half and I was right in the middle of the gap. I had to steady myself by gripping the brick wall surrounding her house. "W—When?" I managed to choke out.

She scoffed. "Like, a week ago!"

"A WEEK?"

"Well, maybe less, I don't know!" She passed her hands through her bangs nervously while a tear rolled down her cheek. "I'm sorry, ok!? I should've told you!" She was shaking now, but I couldn't tell if it was because of the chilly wind or something else.

And then she broke down in sobs, muttering incomprehensible words among which half must have been 'sorry.' Feeling completely lost as to what I was supposed to do next, I pulled her close again and settled to repeating, "It's ok, it's ok…" until she calmed down.

"I just didn't know what to do anymore, Josh," she said after a few minutes. "I don't know if I made the right choice."

"You did." I knew she had, even if I had been ready to convince her not to do it. Even if I had been selfish enough for that. "You did," I repeated with a smile, hoping to see her own beautiful smile in return.

But instead, she closed her eyes and pressed her lips against mine. Well, there goes my 'no kissing' rule. I kissed her back gently while the world evaporated around us. Thoughts like 'baby' or 'Jack' were left to another dimension, this one being too full of Hayley and her soft lips…

Suddenly, I was drowning in desire and thoughts of that sweet night when all had been truly perfect. Every… single… thing… I felt the warmth spread through my whole being with a pressing urgency and I had to pull away before it drove me crazy.

Back to the real world, I noticed Hayley was now crushed between the wall and me and we were both panting like we hadn't breathed in ages. Then I realised that my dad was most likely still in the car and watching us, and I could feel myself reddening at that thought. Without looking back at him, I pulled Hayles back in her house with a wide smile and shut the door. Phew, we were safe now—

"Holy frick!"

I spun around abruptly to see whatever Hayley had seen. But it only made me more confused.

I recognised Jack but I had no idea who the other guy was. They were both standing there, frozen, an expression of panic carved into their features as their eyes stayed glued to Hayley's.

* * *

Hayley's POV

I had not seen this one coming.

After all I'd been through, it was hard to believe that there were still some things I would find disturbing. But there were.

For instance, the image of Jack and Alex holding each other while their lips moved in sync was pretty disturbing. The way their bodies seemed drawn to each other, the way Alex gripped Jack's hair, the way Jack pressed Alex against him like he used to do with me… My brain had captured every bit of that picture and saved it directly to my hard-drive. It would follow me to the grave.


	30. Epilogue

Epilogue

Josh's POV

Some things never change. For instance, Operation Save-the-Baby had failed like everything else I'd ever done. But it had gotten me to Hayley, and in the end that's all that really mattered. It wasn't an unborn baby that I had truly been trying to save; it was—brace yourselves, this will sound corny—our love. Yes, that special thing Hayley and I had that, for some reason, wouldn't go away no matter how hard we tried.

Luckily, we had managed to make peace and—here it comes again—our love had ceased to be a fucking nightmare and had become what it was supposed to be: a beautiful and serene emotion that would lighten up our sad eyes when life decided to throw bricks at us.

Unfortunately, I still had to go back home and face my mother—in the hope that she would be holding a gun and not a chainsaw. I explained to dad the situation and he'd taken it like everything else I'd told him, with a sorry expression and a faint nod. He had then called mom to tell her that I was alive and well, and decided that it would be ok with her—without actually asking her, that goes without saying—if I stayed at Hayley's for the few days he had to go to California for his business trip. Then, he could come back to pick me up and bring me home.

I was very happy with that plan.

Hayley and I had ages to talk about all our misadventures and I'd very romantically promised her that if anything bad happened again—as if that wasn't inevitable—we wouldn't have to talk about it later… we would face it together. She'd cried a little and hugged me, and kissed me, and… well, we had followed that road until it brought us to another perfect night—but this time we'd made sure nobody was getting pregnant.

Then came time to say goodbye again—more tears—but it was a happy goodbye. She promised she would call me every day and that we would see each other again soon. Of course, there was no way she could promise that but, deep down, I knew that one day the distance wouldn't pull us apart anymore.

Back home, after explaining to my fellow secret agents what had happened and even though it was technically a failure, I received a fair round of applause from them. Nicole even did a little dance—jeez, that girl was strange… but sweet—while Matt watched her with drool dripping down his chin.

Every day, I called Hayley or she called me and we would talk about this and that for endless minutes. I kept the last gift from her close to me at all times, like a guardian angel. It was the best gift I'd ever gotten: a small, pink paper swan folded to perfection, with tiny black eyes and heart-shaped feathers.

Her name was Francesca.

Hayley's POV

Jack and Alex left so fast that day that I didn't even have time to wave goodbye. Even though I had told Josh about it and he'd made me feel a whole lot better, I still felt guilty for acting so badly.

I just never thought Jack and Alex were… lovers. I had nothing against the notion of homosexuality but it was just such a shock. I would have never expected it…

But there it was. And come to think of it, it was a very good thing too. It had saved Jack from his depression by giving him another reason to be happy, someone who truly cared for him and would never do what I did. It had saved Jack's life.

I just needed to talk to him again. Surprisingly, he came to me before I went to him, knocking on my door the evening right after Josh left, like they'd had it all planned out.

"You think I'm a freak," was the first thing he said to me.

"Of course not!"

"Damn, Hays, it was written all over your face when you saw us! The only way to make it more obvious is if you were holding a sign that said 'Die fags'."

I sighed. He was getting it all wrong. "I don't think you're a freak, Jack, I was just… surprised, that's all."

"Kinda' like you're surprised when you see a cockroach in your bathtub, right?"

I bit my lip, looking for something to say. He was still standing on the porch and it was freezing outside, but I wasn't sure if it was right to invite him in right then. "Why are you here?" I asked as softly as possible.

He hesitated. "I just wanted to know if you were still able to talk to me, I guess. But now that that's done…"

"Hey, you wanna come in?" I asked just as he was about to turn around and leave.

"I'd rather not," he answered in a strangled voice.

I didn't want to insist. Instead, I said, "I swear to you—I SWEAR that I don't think you're a freak. I'm totally cool with it, honest."

"You think Alex is a dick though."

I couldn't help smiling. "Maybe just a little…"

A tiny smile curved his lips while an internal battle darkened his eyes. He seemed to be trying hard to believe me so I smiled wider to help him out. Finally, he sighed in defeat. "You really don't think I'm gross?" he whispered almost soundlessly.

"Did anyone say that to you?" If he was so uncertain about me, there must have been some other trigger.

He gulped. "Maybe."

I didn't know what to say to that. As only reply, I leaned onto his chest and wrapped my arms around his waist in a friendly manner. That didn't stop the simple gesture from bringing back a thousand memories of us—just us. I don't know if he felt it too, but I supposed it didn't matter anymore. "I think you're amazing, Jack. You'll always be my best friend, k? And I can be your best female friend."

He chuckled and hugged me back forcefully enough that I had to push him away in order to breathe. I faintly realised, in the back of my mind, that I wasn't cold anymore.

"I believe you, Hays."

Josh's POV

Matt and I were sitting around our yet-to-be-bassist's graduation picture, contemplating his good looks whilst enjoying a nice bowl of cereal. The good thing about not finishing high school was that I would never have to look like that on a picture—which brought me to look forward to Matt's graduation… lots of happy cereal time awaited.

Mike—the bassist—was Ian's friend and, judging by his face, he looked like a smart-ass, the kind of guy who knows everything and likes to talk about it.

But when Ian introduced us to him, I realised he was just another curly-haired goof who made a very fitting addition to our band of idiots. He a pretty talented guy, but most of all, when it came to helping Matt with his math homework, he was the man. This of course, was good for me since I didn't have to help Matt do something he was better at doing than me anymore.

Mike was the last piece of the puzzle. He completed the key that would open the door to my future. Yes, I actually had a future now. As a matter of fact, I could even say I was happy. Happy like I'd never been before. Like all those years of misery had finally paid off. I was happy.

Yes, some things never change. But some things do.

Hayley's POV

There was only one thing I still had to fix. That thing was called 'Paramore.'

Even though we were friends again, Jack had refused to come back to us because there was another band taking all of his time—one he'd formed with Alex and some friends from school. I didn't blame him for abandoning what he'd started with me, but I was still upset. I suppose we'd have to make do without him.

I called up Jeremy one day under the pretext that we needed to find a new guitarist for 'our band'—I made sure to emphasize the words. I acted as if everything was perfectly normal while he grumbled his way to making an arrangement with me. In the end we decided he would find the guy we needed and we could all meet up at my house the next day.

That day, I met Taylor. He was a humble and shy guy until you got to know him. That's when he became outgoing and hilarious. He was also very understanding, and by the beginning of the evening he knew all about my story and sympathised with me all the way. He's the one who convinced Jeremy to forgive me. Since Zac was sweet enough that he hadn't even been angry at me in the first place, and his brother Josh was angry at me all the time so it didn't matter anymore, we were all waiting on Jeremy to come back to his senses and then everything could go back to normal.

Around ten thirty, we were all friends again and the band was up and running.

About a week later, my dad called from California. I had really missed his voice, but the news he brought me made me even happier.

"Get ready," he said, "because you're going on tour!" I started squealing with joy at the thought of this new adventure. Especially that this time, as dad told me, it would be an actual Paramore tour. Yep, just us! Nothing big, of course, since we only had about a hundred fans here and there, but a whole new experience I was not going to miss. "And it gets even better," he continued happily, "You get to choose whatever supporting band you like. Anything! If your neighbors started a band, well you can invite them!"

It didn't take me long to figure out exactly which band I wanted to tour with us. I had only known the name for a day since it wasn't any older than that. But I had a feeling that name would last forever.

"Marianas Trench," I said softly.

"What?"

"I want them to tour with us!" I smiled, already imagining how amazing that would be. "That's ok, right?"

"Of course, honey. Like I said, any band you like."

"Even from a different country?"

He laughed his fatherly laugh I loved so much. "Even from a different country."

Instinctively, I slipped my hand into my back pocket and played with the little piece of crumpled paper that represented all the happiness in my life. A small fragment of endless memories, good times and bad times that had passed, and all those that were still to come. A precious little swan that went by the name of Francis.

The end.


End file.
